Crazy Bride Demands Weight, Diet, Hair & Tattoo Approval of Her Bridesmaids

Say What!? 53

Remember the officially worst email that a bride could possibly send to her bridesmaids? How they had to let her know their plans for the next seven months? How they had to be prepared to cough up money for no less than three parties in three different states and not utter one complainy sigh about it? Wellzzzzz, let's just say that bride is suddenly looking rather low-maintenance. Because, yes, folks, another bride on steroids has taken her title of Worst Bride Emailer. Her email(s) is more condescending, more demanding, and most importantly, much, much longer. Check them out.

More from The Stir: This Is Officially the Worst Email a Bride Could Ever Send to Her Bridesmaids

The emails are too long to render here in their entirety; however, you will quickly get the scary gist of them. They start out:

Welcome to my bridal party. I thought today would be a great day to start this chain, as it is officially six months until my wedding day.

I just wanted to go over some ground rules.

"Ground rules." Ruh-roh.

1. Weigh-ins will begin in 3 weeks. I for one would really like some time after Thanksgiving to make my body forget about what it consumed, so I thought I would give you guys some cushion room.

2. No-one can be skinnier than the bride. That means Kelly and Lizzie will be on a protein weight gainer diet exclusively until May. I will have the nutritionist call you to discuss diet plans.

Anyone still reading needs their head examined. BUT WAIT. This is a JOKE, right? Surely this bride is poking fun of all of those zilla brides who send hopped up on marital fumes emails to their pals? Surely. SHE MUST BE. Soooo ... okay, I'll read a bit more.

3. Bed times leading up to the wedding will be strictly enforced. I absolutely cannot have you all have saggy, baggy eyes. I am sure you all understand.

4. Swimwear attire: I would like everyone to wear matching bikinis that have rhinestones on the tushie spelling out "maids," which brings me to my next point.

5. All bikinis leading up to the wedding must be strapless bandeaus. I cannot have terrible tan lines in strapless dresses.

6. Sunscreen: We need to make sure you ladies look lovely and radiant and not red and reptile like. Pack accordingly.

7. Speeches: We all know what happened at Taylor's wedding. So if you plan to make a toast, please submit it for approval and revision, no later than 4 weeks prior to the wedding.

8. Hair cuts: If you plan on chopping off your locks, please submit your proposed new look prior to any actions (this applies to coloring as well).

9. Attendance: is strongly requested at all events but I will make some exceptions on a case by case basis.

10. Ink: Consider this a moratorium on future tattoos until June 5th. Those of you with visible artwork will be privately contacted with (temporary) removal instructions.

The bride-to-be signs off "just kidding," but then adds the telltale "well, sorta," which lets you know that, well, WTF, she is kidding but NOT REALLY KIDDING.

Even if, at this point, you swallow the idea that this is all one elaborate prank, the bride-to-be sent out no less than five more excruciatingly long and demanding "joke" emails -- calling her bridesmaids "workout bees" and signing it "Queen Bee." The "joke" (??!!) suggestions include that the bridesmaids all send photos of themselves in their dresses -- and be sure to wear Spanx.

I guess it's not entirely surprising that at least one bridesmaid dropped out mid-email chain.

WTF brides. You are getting married. You didn't discover the cure for cancer. Or even smelly feet. Getting married is something that even the most repulsive people on the planet often manage to do.

Being a bridesmaid costs money. Time. Energy. And, frankly, most bridesmaids would rather just stay home, cook, and catch up on sleep. You are not honoring your bridesmaids by asking them to be in your wedding party. They are honoring YOU by agreeing to it.

So if this bride meant all of this as an elaborate joke, the truth is, the joke is on her.

Any wedding party horror stories you'd like to share?

 

Image via TosdadoPhoto.com/Flickr

weddings

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nonmember avatar Shawn

This has to be a joke right!?! Surely there can't really be a person this god awful and self involved. But then - I have never watched any of the bridezilla shows so maybe I just don't realize how truly dreadful some people can be. If this actually happened, there is not a chance in h*ll I would still be a member of that wedding party!

Kings... KingsleysMommy

This bitch is nuckin' futs!!!!!

Todd Vrancic

Yeah, I'm sure if I were a woman and got this e-mail after being asked to be a bridesmaid, my response would be "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!"

nonmember avatar Kim blincoe

When my brother married his wife she arranged for me to see a client of hers so that I could get contacts for the wedding so that my glasses wouldn't ruin the pictures. That was the first if three weddings that year and the only one that I needed to drink at in order to make it through the day

No9Dream No9Dream

No wonder I have never been a bridesmaid.


 

Jen McBride

LMAO.. I had one bridemaid at my wedding, all I asked her to do was get a blue dress. I didn't care what the style was, it just had to be a shade of blue. My gods, I thought I was demanding by asking that. Oh, that and I made my Dad wear a tie LOL!!!

BGarcel BGarcel

Im afraid this does happen. I always refuse to be their bridesmaid if they ask their bridesmaid to do things like this. I understand some things like perhaps not having your hair colored a crazy color or getting a dress that covers up tattoos when the pictures are taken and the wedding day comes. But when they ask you to get fat, or smile very little, or tell you that you are only allowed to dance a couple times and when you do to not 'show up the bride' because your job is basically to be the background of the bride... I flat out tell them I refuse. I lost 2 friendships so far sad to say.

Carol Frazer

I'm so glad I'm the Pianist-Vocalist at weddings.  

MrsEr... MrsErdos2011

I got told I was demanding because I wanted my bridesmaids in yellow substrates between fingertip and knee length and black flips flops and the groomsmen in green polos, khaki pants and black or brown shoes. I got a little upset when my sil showed up in a white dress with with a little yellow on it and had to wear my husband's yellow and blue shirt.

MrsEr... MrsErdos2011

Sundresses not substrates

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