There are just some people that want to make sex as hard work as possible. I don't even want to be faced with a spreadsheet in my job, let alone if I'm spread between the sheets. So who would use this new app, Spreadsheets, which monitors "how good you are in bed," is beyond mystifying. Actually, it's not. It's probably those same type-A people who ran Wall Street into the ground. Anyway, the app threatens promises to "monitor your performance in bed to provide statistical and historical feedback" and tracks lovers' "movement and audio levels through the accelerometer and microphone to provide statistical and visual analysis of their performance in bed." What?! WHY?!!
The app will keep track of your "volume," "speed of movements," and how long you "lasted." It also turns sex into a "game" by tracking your "achievements." OMG, why not just read a calculus book while you're giving someone a blowjob?
Why must everything be turned into a video game? Users can compare and contrast their bedroom performance -- and presumably couples can sit around on Sunday mornings and oogle their sex graphs and natter about that time they had three orgasms during their Saturday night romp and set the volume record last month -- and gee, why can't we be louder next time?!
I don't know about you, but this would make me awfully self-conscious. This app seems more about putting on a performance rather than being intimate with your partner and enjoying yourself. Quiet sex can be awesome. So can sex without orgasms. So can sex where your "movements" aren't that of a jack rabbit on steroids. In fact, that would probably just about guarantee a bad time.
Here's a thought, everyone. Put away the computer. Turn off the cell phone. Concentrate on yourself and your partner. Save the spreadsheets for the boardroom not the bedroom. Stats do not belong in the sack(s).
Would you want your sexual performance monitored?
Image via Spreadsheets. Data. In Bed./YouTube