New Device to Improve Your Performance in Bed Is Most Ridiculous Invention Ever (VIDEO)

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There are just some people that want to make sex as hard work as possible. I don't even want to be faced with a spreadsheet in my job, let alone if I'm spread between the sheets. So who would use this new app, Spreadsheets, which monitors "how good you are in bed," is beyond mystifying. Actually, it's not. It's probably those same type-A people who ran Wall Street into the ground. Anyway, the app threatens promises to "monitor your performance in bed to provide statistical and historical feedback" and tracks lovers' "movement and audio levels through the accelerometer and microphone to provide statistical and visual analysis of their performance in bed." What?! WHY?!!

The app will keep track of your "volume," "speed of movements," and how long you "lasted." It also turns sex into a "game" by tracking your "achievements." OMG, why not just read a calculus book while you're giving someone a blowjob?

Why must everything be turned into a video game? Users can compare and contrast their bedroom performance -- and presumably couples can sit around on Sunday mornings and oogle their sex graphs and natter about that time they had three orgasms during their Saturday night romp and set the volume record last month -- and gee, why can't we be louder next time?!


I don't know about you, but this would make me awfully self-conscious. This app seems more about putting on a performance rather than being intimate with your partner and enjoying yourself. Quiet sex can be awesome. So can sex without orgasms. So can sex where your "movements" aren't that of a jack rabbit on steroids. In fact, that would probably just about guarantee a bad time.

Here's a thought, everyone. Put away the computer. Turn off the cell phone. Concentrate on yourself and your partner. Save the spreadsheets for the boardroom not the bedroom. Stats do not belong in the sack(s).

Would you want your sexual performance monitored?



Image via Spreadsheets. Data. In Bed./YouTube



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nonmember avatar erica

How dumb. I'd be so turned off if I found out someone I'm sleeping with was using an app to try to improve our sex life instead of talking to me about what I like or don't like. "statistical and historical data" doesn't necessarily apply to me. Doesn't porn already put enough stupid, unrealistic ideas of what real sex is like in peoples heads? We don't need one more thing that tells us humping at warp speed and screaming so loud it wakes people up across town is what makes you "good" in bed. all you need is honest communication to start improving your skills in bed.

nonmember avatar Chelsea R.

This is a prime example of the quantified self movement. This app seems to be attempt to aid us with a tool to bring some excitement or some humor to the bedroom, the app isnt actually about the stats its an aid that allows the users determine how they will spreadsheets. Be adventurous...

work4... work4mickey

Wow, there really is an app for everything nowadays. Personally, I don't want my sex life quantified. Is sex now a sport and the best players traded to better teams. Jeez

nonmember avatar YaleMom

I found the video tasteful and funny so I dug deeper and bought the app. It can be juvenile at times, but I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy a good laugh or two... I haven't asked my husband yet...

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