We're Different People Than When We Got Married but That's Okay


changing in marriageWhen my husband and I were engaged almost 12 years ago, we were just kids in our early 20's. We were madly in love with one another, but had no more a sense of "forever" than anyone does when they are barely out of their teenage years. We were kind of silly and frivolous and crazy.

It is 10 years later and we have had two children, bought sold property, made a major move together, moved up in our careers and generally become far more grown up than we were back then. Both of us have changed and matured and become cooler about some things and far LESS cool about others.

We are also much, much more bonded and closer than we have ever been. Our marriage is rock solid and even though we have grown, we have always made sure we did it together. So what's the big deal?

Somehow, it seems, this idea of "becoming different people" after marriage has become a warning sign of divorce. As if somehow growing and changing is a BAD thing and it must always be apart. I can't imagine knowing a person who is exactly the same at 35 as they were at 25, but so what? Part of the beauty of life is the way we evolve and grow over the years.

The point of marriage is not always to be on the same page or even to always adore one another. It is to respect each other enough to talk it out when you need to, try to grow together, and make an effort to talk about changes as they come so the relationship can accommodate them.

As a pregnant woman right now, my emotions and thoughts run the gamut and I am not being entirely myself. My incredibly patient and loving husband is there by my side even as I change. That's marriage. He's probably cursing that whole "for better or worse" part right about now. Muhahahah.

But I digress. The truth is, life is about shifting and opening our minds and allowing new thoughts to rise to the surface. It is about maturing and learning until we are 105. Marriage, meanwhile, is about adjusting to those changes and loving one another.

So when someone asks me if I am a different person than the one my husband married my answer is simple: Yes. And so is he. And I would not have it any other way.

Are you a different person than when you got married?





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early... earlybird11

Good insight. While. I loved him then and love him now. I wouldnt want him to remain the same 25 year old I married.. people grow

fleur... fleurdelys3110

I completely agree. I feel like this reasoning can also be used as a case in support of young (read: under 25) marriage. People poo-poo it by saying you don't know who you are at that point in your life; that you and your partner will change too much to still mesh and possibly outgrow each other. To that I say, isn't that the whole point of marriage? To grow and experience life and change together? Why does evolving as a person have to lead to inevitable incompatibility with your partner? It could, but it doesn't have to, you change from 21 to 31 just as you would from 45-55.

Can't believe I'm saying this, but this is excellent logic Sasha.

jalaz77 jalaz77

Yes but I look at it as if we changed together. Thankfully or I would still be a bar hopping waitress every weekend. ; ) everyone grows and changes, I feel bad for people that grow apart. We have learned so much from each other, gotten through some bumps, both went back to school together (that was effing fun), built a home together and are about to move out of state with 4 kids. If we make it through this move we can make it through anything! Ha!

Coles... Coles_mom

Divorce doesn't come about when you're both maturing and changing together. It comes about when you do them separately. I thought my marriage was rock solid, but as the years went by, our paths started detouring. I was growing up WAY faster than him. Because we were middle he, he literally started maturing backwards. Mid-life crisis, so to speak. I thought we were rock solid too. It happens to he best of us. :(

Coles... Coles_mom

*middle age

nonmember avatar Stephanie

I agree with this post but my problem is, I met the love of my life after a 10 yr break up. wehave been together for 11 yrs but as soon as we had our son, he changed so much..I had a daughter from my previous relationship n her dad died and my new love really took the role like nothing. but we had our son and he slowly quit doing things with my daughter n then they started to just hate each other. it really went down hill from there. Hard to grow with someone that doesn't know how to grow with you. I have talked to him about problems, he doesn't open up, he holds grudges now on everyone. never in a million years would I think he would've changed like this so much. We are now not together as a couple. sometimes there isn't room for growth is both parties don't want to blossom.

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