Sex Confession: Wife Fears Having Sex & Husband Isn't Helping

Say What!? 17

"Sex Confessions" is a series featuring your naughtiest bedroom secrets and fantasies. Some will sound familiar, others may give you ideas, some will turn you on, and some are dark and twisted. You might want to sit down for this.

There are lots of things we fear. Things we should be afraid of and things we shouldn't -- we know the difference. But Tara*, a 30-something married mom of four kids under 6 has a huge fear that really affecting her marriage, specifically her sex life. She has four kids under 6 -- a 1-year-old, 3-year-old twins, and a 5-year-old. I think you can guess what she's afraid of ... having sex and getting pregnant again. I'm kind of amazed her and her husband even have the time to try to have sex, but they do. Yet whenever those times come around, Tara has been saying no and her husband isn't happy. I'll let her explain.

Jake* and I have been married for 8 years and we have four kids. We got right down to making babies soon after our wedding and all has been wonderful and lovely and happiness and roses but I'm done. Womb is closed. But Jake isn't ready to make anything permanent because he thinks we may change our minds and want to have another baby in the next few years. I'm done! I told him. DONE. But who knows, I may change my mind in a few years and want another baby though I really, truly highly doubt that. I love our family the way it is. I have a hard enough time balancing everything as it is now, but it gets done, we all get it done together, and all is great.

Because I know Jake still wants to have more kids and because I know I'm not into that I'm afraid to have sex with him. What if I get pregnant? I'm not on any kind of birth control because it makes me nutty. Even still, I was on birth control when I got pregnant with babies 2 and 3. Jake doesn't put on a condom when we have sex so the fear of possibly getting pregnant overrides my desire to have sex. Jake doesn't get it. He thinks if we do get pregnant we should just be happy about it and see it as a blessing. Which I would, but I'm not ready to have another baby -- I don't want 5 kids under 7. So because I really don't trust the situation I choose to say no to sex.

He doesn't get it. He gets upset with me. I don't want him to be upset with me. But I'm scared. It seems like all he has to do is breathe in my direction and I get pregnant so I'm thinking we should cool it for a little bit. Or figure something else out -- a birth control that is better or a more drastic measure of me getting my tubes tied. The problem is Jake isn't into that because of wanting more kids. 

I just don't know what to do. I want to stay connected, sexually, and I want to keep communication going well between us. But we aren't seeing eye to eye here.

What do you think Tara should do? Have you ever felt like she does?

Image via Nicolas Raymond/Flickr

sex confession, marriage


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work4... work4mickey

I get where she's coming from. Hormonal bc makes me nutty too. If she doesn't want another child it is unfair of her husband to expect her to take the risk since she will bear all the physical consequences, and is most likely responsible for most child rearing responsibilities. She could try the copper t iud, or a diaphram. But this apears to be a phobia strong enough that it's affecting her sex life and, more importantly, her relationship with her husband.

If this is that serious, maybe they should seek counseling, and decide what is important. I think their relationship is more important than "maybe" they might want another child at some unspecified point in the future.

youth... youthfulsoul

I second the diaphragm option. She's in control that way and no hormonal side effects.

Liane... Lianetherider

Yeah, they need to get into counseling, ASAP. He's pressuring her into having another child and is not respecting her wishes in the area of sex. His behavior sounds so far past acceptable that it's not even funny. He "doesn't put on a condom"- bully for him, sounds like it's IUD and/or diaphragm time. If he truly cannot contemplate using birth control of any kind, and can't respec the bodily autonomy of his wife, then she needs to seriously re-evaluate where their marriage is headed. I think more kids is the least of their issues.

KDRush KDRush

Lianetherider, my mind hadnt gone in that direction. But I concur. Very wise thought process.

Counseling should definitely be in their near future, not more children. Her husband is not respecting what she wants and not only is he being selfish and unfair to her, he also seems somewhat boorish.

Michael Weldon

He wants fun-he gets a snip job.  They are reversable in many cases.  That would be my suggestion.

jamam... jamamama00

I understand not wanting birth control because it affects me negatively, too. I can also understand him not wanting to make anything permanent just yet. Taking a few years to make sure seems fair. However, him not repecting her wishes to not have another anytime soon is not acceptable. If I were her, I would tell him "no" until he wraps it up. If he objected, he could go get snipped. His lack of concern about everything his wife's body hss been through is alarming as well.

nonmember avatar katrina

I am in the same position, just different facts ... we have 4 boys ages 12,11,7, & 6 ... we have one baby girl who is 5 months old. I just had sex with my husband for the first time last week. Although birth control does make me crazy as well, I have found the Mire a to literally be the only option that does not mess with my hormones in a bad way. Also, Para guard is extremely effective and contains ZERO hormones !

Mapfumo Antoniah

what if she uses female condoms, coz its so tricky , these so called men, when they need sex its something useful to them. i think its wise to use female condoms so that your husband wont find a mistress or go on finding sexual workers out there. its just an opinion.

nonmember avatar BostonBob

Jake needs to grow up and put on a condom. Some serious issues there if he can't take responsibility.

Meanwhile Tara should be talking to her OB/GYN to find out why her BC failed twice!

My wife is using the Mirena IUD with no issues since she got it a year ago.

mrspease mrspease

It's easy for him to say he wants more kids. He's not the one carrying the baby for 9 months and he's not the one who has to go through labor. He sounds like a bully. I agree with the ones who say they need counseling and fast.

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