Dating can be nerve-wracking. It's probably so nerve-wracking because you've heard dating horror stories like the ones I'm about to tell you. When you're first getting to know someone, there comes a time when you just know whether or not you want to see him again. If it's a definite no, the moment you know is usually pretty dramatic. Which makes for great storytelling, if not a great date. Here are 30 true-life telltale moments when women knew they would never date that man again.
- He started flirting with some other woman over my shoulder and excused himself to go to the bathroom ... and introduced himself to her on the way. And then he was shocked when I didn't want to go home with him later?
- I didn't have cash to pay for half the date, so he said, "I'll walk you to the ATM machine." Which he did. And then watched me take out every dollar I owed him.
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- When he fell asleep on the first date.
- When he said he was a Republican? When he said his nipples sometimes lactate? When he blasted Blue Oyster Cult in the car?
- He texted "I miss you!" when I went to the bathroom. It was our first date.
- When he wore a huge industrial phone-company-style phone strapped to the side of his body. He didn’t take it off all night, and he wasn’t a Verizon employee or anything. I kept wondering if it would ring. It didn’t.
- When I saw him waving at me from the bar and I didn't quite recognize him, as he was a good 12 inches shorter than expected. So I cautiously asked, "Dave?" and he snapped, "What do you think I'm waving at you for?!"
- When he told me he'd had three heart attacks. He was 30.
- When he mused on our third date whether he should get back with his ex-girlfriend.
- When he told me he was married. I said, "What are you on a dating site for then?!" He replied, "See? This is why I need to lie more."
- When at the end of the date, I said, "It was so nice meeting you -- I had a really good time!" and he responded, "Yeah, right!" before walking off in a huff.
- We discussed what our kids were doing for the summer. He mentioned his 10-year-old son was in Chicago for the summer.
"Oh, visiting family?" I asked.
"He's in camp?"
"No. He's at Ronald McDonald House and then sometimes at Children's Hospital."
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I had no idea your son was ill!" I said, wondering what this guy was doing in the Bay Area on a Match.com date when his kid was dying of cancer in the Midwest.
"He's not ill. He's a dwarf and we're having him stretched this summer."
- When he told me he leaves his Border Collie alone for 12-hour stretches in his studio apartment and said, "It's okay, he can hold it."
- When he tried to strangle me when I said I didn't want to marry him. (Long story.)
- When we had amazing sex all over his living room and then he got up and went to bed. Shutting the door leaving me in the living room. I slept in the guest room. Awkward.
- When he used the N-word.
- When he wore dark sunglasses throughout the entire date, was far from the height he said he was, talked about himself the entire time without even noticing when I tried to enter the "conversation," made fun of and was condescending about my profession, hunched over his plate gobbling and slurping up the unhealthiest, greasiest item on the menu, then proclaimed that he thought we were very compatible and graced me with an invitation to a golfing vacation with him (he could barely get up from the table and should have had a cane for walking).
- He showed up at my house slap-assed drunk and scared the crap out of me from a deep sleep by banging on my bedroom windows after the bars closed at 2:30 a.m. He had the audacity to insist on a booty call.
- When he told me he had kids -- months after our first date.
- When he told me he wants two kids. He's 47.
- When I asked him what he'd been up to, and he said he'd been in jail for assault.
- Blew me off to play squash.
- When it turned out his "sports marketing" job that he'd listed on his online profile meant he -- wait for it -- sold peanuts at one of the local baseball stadiums.
- When he told me my boobs were too small for a serious relationship, but asked if I wanted to have a "fun, casual thing."
- When he referred to his ex-wife as "that f**king bitch."
- When he got drunk ... and then drove me home.
- When he leaned over me to hit on my friend.
- When he had eight vodkas in two hours.
- When he broke my thumb "playing around."
- He spent half the dinner talking about aliens.
When did you know you'd never see him again?
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