Ever since the first time I had sex, I've been afraid. Not of the sex, please. Just like any other woman with a healthy libido -- I enjoy the sex. What I don't enjoy is what can happen because of sex. Nope, not a commitment-phobe. I am, however, frightened of becoming pregnant.
The answer to your question is yes. At some point or another, I'm going to want a child. At that point, when hopefully I'm married, financially stable, and prepared -- that child will be my everything. But now? For the past 10 years? No. I'm just not ready. Nowhere close.
The fear, it's cautionary and a little irrational. Despite being on the pill for years and years now, I rarely have unprotected sex. In a three-year relationship that ended not all that long ago, I could count those risque encounters on one hand.
And you know what? I think it's safe to say that my fear drives every single man I ever date insane. Who am I kidding? It's driving me insane, too.
Sex is an intimate thing. It's a close thing. At the end of the day: It's a big deal. It's frustrating, knowing that for so many people without this fear, getting hot and heavy is spontaneous. It's fun. It can be done anywhere, anytime, without a care in the world. For me, though, I do care. Even if STDs were non-existent, I get anxiety every time my partner and I do the deed without that extra protection. To be really frank with you: Pull out or stop. It's not just any anxiety, either. This anxiety prevents me from continuing on in my day-to-day life.
However, I'm human. In the moment, it's easy to say "screw it" (and me) and let's just go for it instead of hopping over to the drug store. So what results? The next morning, I immediately regret it. I think, Is this the time a pregnancy test will come out positive? I wonder when my last period was. When my next one should be. I wonder if I should get Plan B. I get mad at myself. Eventually later that week, I may buy a pregnancy test.
Is it bad that I'm this way? Yes and no. I've been in a relationship where my overcautious attitude annoyed my partner too much (read: he didn't want to use protection all the time) and we went our separate ways. I understand. I'm sure that it's easier to be with a woman who is on a birth control pill that she trusts and doesn't freak out after a spontaneous sexcapade.
Still, I'd rather be too cautious. The right man and partner won't get angry with me about my mentality. I'd like to stick with the attitude that if my companion can't accept that I'm trying to do us both a favor, he and I don't need to have an intimate relationship in the first place.
Can you relate?
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