It was girls’ night out and my feet were screaming from the inside of a pair of time limit stilettos. I plunked down on an ottoman to comfort my pinky toe and wait for my friends to trickle in so we could indulge in some artsy fartsy music and poetry. In the meantime, I busied myself observing a couple sitting at a table a few feet away. She was lurched over a plate of pasta and he? He was sleeping. Head lolled back, mouth swung wide open, body tilted to the side sleeping.
How the heck does that even happen? I mean, I’m far from anybody’s dating authority, but when your companion goes night night right there in the middle of the evening, I’m pretty sure that’s a sign that things have gone south. So, too, are these varying and random acts of complete boredom, disregard, or rudeness that spell certain doom for the date and, almost definitely, any chance of a second one.
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1. He bumps into someone he knows, really whoops it up in side conversation, and never even bothers to introduce you.
2. If you completely blank on the guy's name or, perhaps even worse, refer to him by the wrong name, you’re done. “Jason” and “Jeffrey” are surprisingly not one in the same.
3. He orders the messiest thing on the menu. At this point, he's clearly done trying to impress you. Honey BBQ wings make that pretty clear.
4. If Candy Crush or Angry Birds makes an appearance during the course of your time together, get your car keys. It’s a wrap.
5. You feel exhausted like you’ve been on three back-to-back job interviews before the waiter even tops off your iced tea.
6. He looks at the street lights, the Dunkin Donuts sign, the homeless man peeing on the sidewalk, anywhere but at you. Consistently and purposely.
7. You find yourself wondering what your couch and sweatpants are doing.
8. He bulldozes ahead through every entrance and lets each door slam on you.
9. You get into an argument. It is not playful banter. It is indeed an argument.
10. You make eye contact with another woman and send her a telepathic message for help. She senses your agony but looks at you like: "what can I do?"
11. He asks you how you feel about abortion and the death penalty and then proceeds to pummel you with little condescending jabs until you lie about wanting to get back to the very job you despise. (OK, maybe this was just me.)
12. He asks you about your favorite football team, and when you mention that you’re not a fan of his, he decides you’re no longer worth his time and leaves you hanging. (OK, this happened to me, too.)
13. Every two sentences are swallowed up by a five-minute chasm of awkward, cough-and-stifled-misery-filled silence.
14. Your best friend texts you with news that he just updated his Facebook status to grump about being on the date from the seventh ring of hell.
15. He offers up an exit strategy before you even get a chance to get your coat off. You’ve never even heard of hamster sitting.
16. He goo-goo eyes other chicks, including your waitress, and doesn’t even attempt to downplay it.
17. You can’t believe you’re giving up reruns of Law & Order SVU to be there and are certain that Elliot Stabler is a much better human being than the one you’re sitting across from.
18. You get to your respective automobiles and no one even thinks about mentioning a second date. Or kissing. Or hugging. It’s like good and bye.