Sex Confession: Wife Is Fed Up With Husband Never Initiating


saying no"Sex Confessions" is a series featuring your naughtiest bedroom secrets and fantasies. Some will sound familiar, others may give you ideas, some will turn you on, and some are dark and twisted. You might want to sit down for this.

Lisa* is a stay-at-home mom of two kids. She's in her 30s, as is her husband Frank*, and they have what she calls a "terrible" sex life. It's terrible because her husband doesn't initiate sex as much as she would like him to. She says he never does. It's always her trying to get his attention and she's tired of it. She wants to feel wanted. And his lack of romance is making her upset. Lisa will explain ....

I know my body isn't as sexy as it once was before I had two kids. I know I'm not as perfectly manicured as when I was in my 20s. But I look good. I cook awesome meals. I think I give great blowjobs. Yet my husband doesn't ever seem to want to have sex with me. And it's starting to make me feel terrible. As terrible as our sex life has become.

Of course there was a time we had sex all the time. Way back when. Kids and work and house stuff and life got in the way and it became not as frequent. I get that. But I don't get why Frank doesn't ever try to have sex with me. I am the only one initiating and that bothers me. I want to be wanted! Just once I'd love him to grab me and kiss me and take me in the bathroom for a quickie. Or even roll over in the middle of the night and take me from behind. Anything! Please! I'm dying for a kiss, a grab, a feel, an anything from my husband to give me the signal that he's still into me.

When I initiate, we do have sex. But it's tiring and upsetting to be the only one trying here. I feel desperate and unattractive. I don't think it's too much to ask and when I have asked him why he doesn't initiate he claims he didn't realize he didn't. So I did a little experiment and I withheld initiating sex for days. Days became weeks. And I got more and more sad each day. Nothing. No passionate kiss. No butt grab. No naughty sex talk. When I do initiate and we do have sex, it's fine. It's good sex. But I'm tired of it. I want him to initiate!

What do you think Lisa should do to get her husband to initiate more? Have you experienced this problem as well?


Image via Marc Falardeau/Flickr

marriage, sex confession, sex drive


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nonmember avatar dave

It's all about timing. I'm in the same boat. My wife want's nothing to do with me sexually on account of kids and life getting in the way. Well 10 years down the road she will be singing the same song you are. Divorce him or put up with it like we have/had to when life got in the way.

nonmember avatar MelB

You've got prob one of two problems. Either he is cheating and is getting it somewhere else or he's just not into you anymore. When someone is sexually attracted to you, they'll initiate. If you are lacking intimacy in other areas of your life, it might be time to take those into consideration. Most people don't feel sexually close to their partner when they don't feel the connection they need in other aspects of their marriage/relationship.

jorji... jorjiegirl

Have you ever wondered if he has low testosterone levels? Someone I know was having the same issue went to the dr with her husband explained, had him tested and come to find out his levels were so low they gave him meds, it's easy to jump to conclusions of oh he's cheating, he's not into you etc....but what if there is a medical reason? It's at least worth checking into gl...

Cynthia Parten

Okay, don't listen to MelB. She doesn't know what she is talking about. It's not necessarily cheating. Jorjiegirl has a point. My husband got to a point where he hardly wanted sex. When he went to his physical, they found he had low testosterone levels. They gave him some medicine and it has helped a LOT. It isn't perfect and honestly my husband can get a little lazy about initating. You should also talk to him. I talked to my husband about how it made me feel that he never initiated. He makes a lot more effort now. Just talk to him. 

stace... stacey541

Have you turned him down when he initiated in the past? My husband won't try based on that. He wants me to let him know when Im in the mood....

Willa... Willa-wonders

Straight up ask him. Why. Have him look you in the eye. If he skirts the issue, you got to sit him down and be brutally honest. Tell him how his actions are making you feel. Communication so important.

nonmember avatar Kimber

I went through the exact same thing. I tried for years to get him to want me. I begged, I cried, I asked him to see a doctor and/or go to counseling. Finally I had to admit that it wasn't going to change if he didn't want to change it. I moved on with my life and have unfortunately been single ever since (3 years). He has been with a new woman for the last 2+ years. Go figure.

nonmember avatar myopinon10

People saying he isn't attracted to you or getting it from someone else are dead wrong.

Some men are considerate and think they are "bothering you." Or they think you should only have sex when the woman wants to. (example: my husband )

Or like other members said it could be low testosterone.

It could be that he works really hard and is tired and doesn't feel like it. Especially working long hours, having a long commute or working out in the weather.

nonmember avatar BostonBob

I think MYOPINION10 has it right, I know I've been there.

If a man initiates (or tries to) for years and gets nothing, it is only natural that he'd switch to just waiting until the woman initites.

I've stopped "bothering" my wife too and now I wait for her to want it. Gets a bit depressing to be turned down night after night (and morning after morning). Even if once a month she says "yes".

If you expect him to say "yes" every time you initiate, it's only fair for him to expect the same too.

WifeLies WifeLies

Dear Lisa ~ I've been dealing with the 'non-initiating' issue for eighteen years. I know how much it hurts to feel unwanted. My husbands testosterone levels are fine (he has them checked yearly) and he isn't cheating. He's a wonderful father, an amazing lover, and we have a fun and enjoyable relationship.  

For years I begged, pleaded, cried and insisted that he was either gay or had some hidden kink that he wasn't telling me about. But the truth is that he just doesn't like to initiate. The fact that the rest of relationship is good makes it that much more frustrating. (Here's a good summary of that.) We're working on it. It's not easy. I wish you all the best.  Personally, I wished it HAD been low testosterone, it's an easy fix.  

Yours Truly, Jackie Devine @

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