Does Having Sex on the First Date Mean Your Relationship Is Doomed?

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Should you have sex on the first date? It's a question many women ask themselves. Guys don't ask it. They're too busy trying to get it. But women do. And not necessarily because we don't want sex. If we're hot for a dude, we probably want sex as much as he does. But women have to worry about how they're being perceived. What the guy will think. It's like that old song "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" only these days we want to know if a guy will even text us the morning after. See, guys have an issue with sex. They want it. They try so hard to get it. But some of them don't really want it. Because once they get it, they abscond. Disappear. And if we like a guy, we want him to stick around. So that leaves us with the eternal dilemma: To put out or not to put out? That is the question.

The topic is hot right now thanks to the book It’s Okay to Sleep With Him on the First Date by Andrea Syrtash and Jeff Wilser. A New York magazine writer took a poll of some women who gave it up on the first date and how it worked out. Predictably, a lot of guys disappeared if the girl's panties came off. You can only imagine they spend the entire date desperately trying to get into the chick's pants. And once they did, they lost interest, or freaked out, or ran crying to mommy. Or something.

Nina slept with a guy she really liked on the first date. A few days later, he had a party, invited all of her friends -- and not her. They slept together a few times after that, but things were never as good as the first date. Says Nina:

All the effort came from me. I had set the precedent that I was doing the chasing, and think I just made myself too available (physically, socially, et cetera). Looking back, I'm convinced I made it too easy for him.

Beth slept with a hot Aussie dude who began making out with her during the movie they went to see. He made an excuse to come up to her apartment, and they hit the sack. And how'd that go for her? She says:

He didn't call after that. I was sure he would. We had such great conversation and chemistry. I think the inappropriate fooling around ruined it -- I mean, I practically blew him in my building’s hallway. I guess, for him, the mystery was gone. I was no longer a sophisticated New York woman, but a slutty drunk lush.

But other women who put out early had the opposite reaction.

Victoria is one of the women who ended up marrying or being engaged to her one night stand. She says:

The fatal mistake was choosing to still spend the night together, 'to just sleep,' arms entwined. After a few minutes of restless non-sleep, we shared our first kiss and decided to throw all promises to the wind. I really had never had amazing sex like that before -- it was a combo of passion, love, and skill ... Next month marks four years. We are engaged and more in love than ever.

The lesson? It all seems to depend on the guy. And since guys won't tell you, "Hey, if we have sex tonight I'm going to fall off the face of the planet," it's up to women to decide what to do.

If you definitely don't care about seeing the guy again, but still want to have sex for whatever reason, then go for it. But if there's any chance you do want to see him, then don't. Because a guy who would stick around will whether you sleep with him or not. And a guy with sexual issues -- or a Madonna/whore complex -- will get freaked out. He'd prefer you tease him out for a few dates or weeks or even months. 

Best bet? Wait.

So, guys, next time you're wondering why a woman won't sleep with you right away, here's your answer: Look in the mirror. It's not us women playing games -- it's you.

Have you ever had sex on the first date? How'd it go?


Image via Crazytales562/Flickr

dating, sex


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Caera Caera

I would never have sex with someone I couldn't sincerely say "I love you" to, and get the same heart-felt response back.

I don't know when that changed...when sex came before, love and love became the after-thought that sex had to work up to, but I hate that it's like that. It's a serious detriment to society that it is.

nonmember avatar Mamarazzi

I had sex with my husband on our first date. We've been together for 11 1/2 years and married for 7 1/2

youth... youthfulsoul

I also gave it up on the first date and have been married to that man for 4 years, together for 7. 

nonmember avatar Lizzie Borden

I slept with my guy on the first date, we've been together for two years now and are starting a family together. It all depends on the guy and your chemistry together, not whether you sleep with him or not. But I still advise waiting, it's better to wait and see. My guy and i just happened to have a lot of chemistry from the moment we met, and maybe some vodka too ;)

cleig... cleigh717

Another one didn't bite the dust! We r on our third yr anniversary.

nonmember avatar katrina

To be honest, I don't think my husband and I would be together now if I wouldn't have slept with him on our first date. He had a lot of girls trying to get his attention and I wanted to stand out. We are still together 2 yrs later and just welcomed our daughter in March :)

JessL... JessLogansMommy

My husband was supposed to be a one night stand.  I was just out of a relationship and was not looking to start anything, but i felt guilty because i knew he really liked me so i gave him my number in the morning.  That was over 13 years ago! 

curly... curlygirl31

Sorry, when me and my husband started going out he had to work and earn it. We knew each other for a month but only had been dating for 17 days. He probably would have dropped my ass like that if i slept with him on our first date

morgi... morgiefae

TECHNICALLY.... I did sleep with my now finace on our first date. but we actaully had been friends for over 10 years... and we have now been together for about 4.5 years. 

nonmember avatar Lindsey

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

My personal feeling is any guy that's going to judge me for sleeping with him is not somebody who deserves to stay in my life anyway. I'm married to a man that I slept with *before* we even started dating and that worked out just fine. He's an enlightened human being who respects women.

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