Is It Okay to Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?

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While you’re getting intimate with your husband or partner, do you fantasize about somebody else?

Maybe you’re trying to get those pesky little to-do lists out of your head. Maybe you’re trying to keep yourself awake after yet another 16-hour day.

Or maybe you’re just a little bored. After all, it isn’t easy to keep things spicy after you’ve been together for a while, and what better way to get yourself through a sexual rut than to think about Ian Somerhalder kissing and caressing you?

Do you consider that cheating?

I don't think so. I think that a little fantasy, even when you’re in the middle of sex with your partner, is healthy. Sometimes you just need a little added oomph. And if thinking about someone else helps turn you on, go for it.

Especially if the fantasizing is only an occasional occurrence

The frequency would be the defining factor for me. If you need to think about, let's say, Channing Tatum every time you're with your in-the-flesh partner, it may be time to start thinking about why. If you're constantly comparing your partner to some imaginary person, you're going to get into some trouble in your relationship.

I know that, in the past, when I was in a relationship that was rocky, I turned to fantasies more frequently. It was a way to stave off intimacy with the person I was in bed with, yet still have that sexual experience I wanted.

These days, now that I'm happily married, I am more likely to fantasize about somebody other than my husband when I'm alone. It just feels right to invite someone else in to my virtual bed when he isn't occupying our real bed.

And I'm okay if my husband does the same. As long as the majority of the time we're together, we're focused on each other.

Would you care if your partner fantasized about another woman while you two were being intimate?


Image via Dyanna Hyde/Flickr

sex, turn-ons, marriage


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nonmember avatar blue

I think cheating, is when you are thinking about someone else, and WANTING to be with someone else. I've never thought about someone else during sex, but that doesn't mean it won't ever happen. The fact is, I don't want to be with someone else. No matter what's going on in my head, I still only want to be with my spouse. I think it's a problem when you have to think of someone else, or when you wish it were someone else.

SaphireH SaphireH

I do fantasize during sex but its of my husband when he was 50lbs lighter, i love him but its become hard to be attracted to him now a days with the weight gain so i just remember how he looked 50lbs ago. Hes still the same man just heavier

nonmember avatar Love


nonmember avatar Randi

You commenters are ridiculous. Fantasizing about someone else during sex is not cheating, unless you would truly rather be with the person you are fantasizing about. There is nothing wrong with adding a little spice to your inner world that makes your outer world a little spicier. And by the way, Jennifer, what is wrong with the picture of the lower legs above? They look like someone photo shopped them, or blew them up with helium. Weird.

kckcm2 kckcm2

I don't consider it cheating if it's like an actress or super model or some unknown person. The line I draw is if it's someone you know. There was another time where it pissed me off that I told my husband I was ready to get randy, he said there wasn't time before work then I caught him having special alone time with his favorite porn ten min later. We talked about that and it hasn't happened again.

nonmember avatar mel

Think it depends on how you view it. I am someone who wants to be present and enjoy my husband as it is happening. I use to think it was no big deal, but I've changed my mind. I think we have evolved beyond animals and have the ability to become more aware and enlightened. I also think when you strive to keep your mind focused on your partner and their love, you can achieve a deeper connection spiritually, mentally, physically. But I don't think that's for everyone or is the only right way. Just the way for me. :)

nonmember avatar Meredith

I run scenes through my head, from porn or made up fantasys. Not necessarily focusing on the PEOPLE, but the situation. it helps me focus

xreds... xredstarsx

Hell my df tells me to think about others. I wouldn't do it all the time but occasionally its nice.

ash-m... ash-mattnk

cheating no.....but would you tell your partner your thinking/fantisizing about someone else during sex? At least i wouldn't my man takes care of all the right places for me ;) no need to fantasize here!

nonmember avatar Jenna

I don't see what the problem is. I'm sure my ex fantasized about other women while he was doing me and I didn't really care. I did the same thing. As long as you don't mention it to your spouse, if it stays in your head, it should be fine. But when a spouse says, especially if in a mean way to hurt the other person "Hey, I think about angolina Jolie while I fuck you because she's got a better looking body and face!" ...than you have issue's.

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