When I was getting divorced, one of the biggest tasks, after agreeing on a custody arrangement for the kids, was dividing up all of our material things. The car, the house, the pots and pans.
There was a lot of back and forth with our attorneys as we figured out what stayed with me and what was to go with my ex-husband.
It wasn’t pleasant and it wasn't easy -- but then again, divorce is never easy -- but we accomplished it without having to go to court.
What wasn’t decided in the attorneys’ offices? Which friends would remain with me and which ones would go with him. Figuring that out was simpler than I initially thought it would be. Especially once I came to terms with the fact that we couldn't all remain friends.
Here's how it went:
The friends I had before we got married, like my high school bestie and my college roommates, remained mine. Which makes sense. They're the ones who got excited for me when I got engaged, stood by me at my wedding, and then supported me through my separation and divorce.
And his friends before the marriage were still his friends. And his alone. They had no interest in me and my life once my first husband and I separated. I don't blame them.
It started to get kind of tricky with the friends we met during our marriage. Most of them went to me and I felt kind of bad about that. But I fostered most of those relationships with the wives in those couples.
There were a few wives of my ex-husband's friends whom I tried to stay in touch with, but the friendships were never quite the same. Which was a loss for me because they were some pretty spectacular women.
Then there were a few couples who chose not to be friends with either of us. These were the people who were probably scared by our divorce. Because to an outsider, everything about my marriage seemed great. Maybe they thought that if it could happen to us then it could happen to them.
I never felt angry or let down by those who did not come over to my "side." Just sad that those relationships ended. But I understood. And I've been on the other side of it since then, having to pick which person of a divorcing couple I was going to remain friends with. Because divorce is too divisive for you both to keep all of them.
Have you had to choose sides when a couple you were friends with got divorced?
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