My eyes, my eyes! You guys. For scientific purposes only, I watched Farrah Abraham's sex video just now, and as soon as I file this post, I'm washing out my eyeballs and maybe having a nice, stiff drink. Did I say stiff?!? NOOOO!
It's going to be a long time before I recover from this spectacle. But I watched it for you, dear readers. We know you're wondering what actually goes down (oh geez) in this show -- but you reeeeeeally don't want to have to actually sit down and watch in order to find out. Never fear! We've got Farrah Superstar Backdoor Teen Mom by the numbers right here. Now about that drink ...
1 - Bottles of lubricant
10 - Fake orgasms
1 - Real (or really well performed) orgasms
3 - Number of orgasms Farrah actually counted
0 - Fat rolls she has even in the craziest positions
1 - Wardrobe changes
0 - Scripts used in the making of this film
2 - Fake breasts
14 - Bottom slaps
0 - Condoms used
0 - Pubic hairs
10 - Sex positions
6 - James Deen speed variations
1 - Questionable secretions
5 - "Ouch" faces
11 - Horse whinnies
15 - Dolphin twitters
20 - "Oh baby"s
4 - "I love you"s
2 - "My ass is shy"
37 - Times James Deen says "yesssss"
3 - Walks up/down spiral staircase
1 - Non-sexual squeals
10 - Times Farrah rolls her eyes with feigned ecstasy
20 - Comments about the size of James Deen’s manhood
11 - Times I checked my windows, afraid the neighbors would hear Farrah noises
4 - Blatant insults to Farrah’s intelligence ("do you know how buttons work?")
1 - Number of times she agrees ("I forgot my brain when I came here to hang out with you")
6.5 - Minutes before anyone actually starts, well, you know
10 - Points we give Farrah for flexibility
8 - Seriously un-hygienic sex acts
All of them - Lingerie sets James tells Farrah he wants to see on her
1 - Lingerie sets Farrah actually ever puts on
200 - Ego boosts for Farrah
40 - Minutes the sex went on too long
20 - Times I said aloud, "My God, her poor mother!"
20 - Times I said aloud, "My God, her poor daughter!"
8 - Times I had to hide my eyes
8 - Times I had to laugh
5 - Creative sex tips I picked up
4 - Times I was afraid Farrah's bobble head was about to get shaken off her body
8 - Times I yelled, "Nooooo!"
10 - Times I asked, "Why’d she have to go THERE?"
6 - Times James handles Farrah like a raw chicken
15 - Extremely regrettable camera angles
11 - Times I was actually kind of more bored than horrified
28 - Minutes before Farrah starts looking a little tired and annoyed
25 - Mintues James Deen remains hard without climaxing
10 - Times I checked the clock to see how much longer this thing was going to go on
More from The Stir: Farrah Abraham’s Sex Tape Co-Star Reveals Truth About Her 'Pregnancy'
What household chore would you rather do than watch Farrah Abraham's sex video?
Image via Vivid Enteratinment