Sex Confession: Husband Avoids Intimacy By Buying Wife 'Toys'

Say What!? 9

sex toys"Sex Confessions" is a series featuring your naughtiest bedroom secrets and fantasies. Some will sound familiar, others may give you ideas, some will turn you on, and some are dark and twisted. You might want to sit down for this.

Some men aren't into sex toys. Some men are. Those that are tend to like them because it's sort of like having a threesome without the complications. Sort of. Some women really get off by using sex toys -- why not make sure the woman is satisfied? But Lana's* husband Will* buys her sex toys because he doesn't want to have sex with her. She's not happy. Let's let her explain ....

I've been married to Will for 11 years. We have three kids. A house. A dog. Busy schedules. Will works a lot. He's tired a lot. I get that. I'm tired a lot too running three kids around to all the places they need to go. But I also need to connect with my husband. Not a vibrator. Will, however, thinks that should be enough for me. I feel like he buys me sex toys to use on myself as a substitute for him. He feels it's kind of his Get Out of Sex Free card. But I don't want sex toys. I want my husband.

It all started last year when I told Will I wanted to have more sex. We were only getting it on about once a month and I wanted more. Will told me he did, too, and he made an effort as did I to make more private time so we can be intimate. Soon after that he started buying sex toys every couple of months. I was excited at first, thinking we could use them together and we did quite a few times. But then the sex stopped. The buying of the sex toys did not.

He told me he thought having those toys would help me get the sex that I wanted without him having to participate ... because he's too tired most of the time. And that just made me sad. I was having fun using the sex toys with him, and I do like using sex toys alone, but I don't like the thought that my husband bought me sex toys to avoid having sex with me. Because that's essentially what happened. I spoke to him about it and he felt terrible but still doesn't understand why I can't just be happy with the sex life we do have and use one of the vibrators when he's not in the mood and I am.

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? That's how I feel here. I'm wondering if I'm alone in questioning why he thinks this is okay.

What do you think? Should Will step up and have more sex with Lana? What do you think of him buying the sex toys as a replacement for him?

 

*Names have been changed.

Image via joaquinuy/Flickr

sex confession, marriage, sex toys

9 Comments

To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

1love... 1lovelylady

My husband was like that, and he refused to use (or let me use) sex toys. It was later confirmed that he is diabetic, but he still refused to do anything to help our sex lives. He still says he loves me, but for my own sanity and well-being, I left him.

tuffy... tuffymama

He needs a physical or the wife needs to hire a private investigator.

nonmember avatar FarmersWife

He needs to speak to a Dr. He could have a very serious medical condition. That is simply not normal for a man and should be a major red flag. I know my husband doesn't give a rats ass about tired or anything else when I'm willing. I'd be worried about him.

Hello07 Hello07

A lot of people ge tired and to busy for sex, men and women. When you work 10-12 hours day then drive home, eat, shower, try to spend a minute with the kids and then finally sit down to relax for a few minutes before sleep it WOULD be hard to get in the mood for sex man or women.

nonmember avatar sabrIna

Don't confuse sex wIth Intamacy. Is he stIll takIng tIme to talk and cuddle? Is he neglectIng you, or just sex? If he's neglectIng you, then you have an Issue. If It's just the sex, then makesure he see's a doctor. he could have low testosterone, blood flow Issues, ect. If he's not neglectIng you, please don't try and make hIm feel guIlty about the lack of sex. If he's havIng performance Issues, he may be embarrased and wIthdrawIng from the Issue. Let hIm know you are concerned about hIs health only. If that Is the problem, and he starts takIng care of It, more frequent sex wIll naturally follow.



however, If he Is neglectIng you and/or cheatIng, that's a completely dIfferent sItuatIon.

nonmember avatar Jen

I was in a situation with a man like this and it ended. Soon after, he was having vigorous sex with a 21-year-old.

Susan Delly

Sounds like she wants intimacy as much as sex.  On the nights he's tired and not in the mood, how about cuddling with a glass of wine?  It could lead to more.  


Another factor is (aside from possible medical problems/stres/exhaustion), unfortunately... is the husband still attracted to the wife?  Men are more visual than women and it's possible that they need to work on the attraction dept together.  

Susan Delly

Sounds like she wants intimacy as much as sex.  On the nights he's tired and not in the mood, how about cuddling with a glass of wine?  It could lead to more.  


Another factor is (aside from possible medical problems/stres/exhaustion), unfortunately... is the husband still attracted to the wife?  Men are more visual than women and it's possible that they need to work on the attraction dept together.  

Cel7777 Cel7777

I don't necessarily think there has to be something wrong with him...although stereotypically men are ready for sex at the drop of the hat--and many really are--that's not the case for all men. Some men just have a moderate or low sex drive. Some men (and women) internalize stress, and he could genuinely be exhausted. I would wonder about how his sex drive has been over the course of your relationship, and if it has changed? If he went from being a supa freak who wants sex all the time to only wanting it once a month, then yeah...something is probably wrong. Perhaps a medical condition, emotional issues, or infidelity. But if he's always had a low sex drive, it may simply be the way he is.


I would try things to ease his load and stress level if possible. Perhaps the wife could get a job (if she doesn't have one already) so he doesn't have to work so much? Leave the kids with grandma and grandpa for a weekend and just lounge around, sleep, eat and have sex? Book a night in a nice hotel and take some time just to be together? As other posters have suggested, utilize other forms of intimacy like cuddling on the couch and watching a movie together...give him a back rub....there are many possibilites.

1-9 of 9 comments
F