If Marriage Is So 'Hard', You Might Be Doing It Wrong

marriage hardMarriage is so many things at so many different times. It can be hilarious, wild, sexy, frustrating, boring, exciting, and productive and then suddenly turn on its head and be 15 other things all at once. But the one thing almost everyone tells brides-to-be and women in general is that marriage is "hard." I am not sure I would agree, though.

I guess it really depends on your definition of "hard." It can be challenging, but many good things are. Sometimes compromise can be a bummer and you would really rather do your own thing. Sometimes sharing the remote is depressing when you would rather watch your own show, but I would never say that marriage itself is "hard."

My husband and I recently chatted about this and I asked him this same question. Did he think our marriage was hard? His answer: Not really. When two people vow to spend forever together, there are bumps, sure. And some days are harder than others. But overall? Being with my husband is a joy. I wouldn't describe it as "hard."

It always seems like such a negative thing to say. Oh marriage is HARD. Challenging might be a better word. Because running a marathon is challenging, but incredibly worthy. Raising kids is challenging, but the most loving thing you can do. Most of life is challenging, but that's part of what makes it so incredible.

Challenges are part of the joy of life. But when I think of hard, I think of tasks I hate. Writing late at night is hard and I hate it. Dealing with my dog's poop on the floor is "hard" and it makes me insane. Getting up at 5 a.m. is "hard" and no fun.

Saying it's hard somehow implies that it isn't worth it or that there are many parts of it that are bad. I disagree. Why would anyone stay in a marriage that feels like drudgery and makes you unhappy?

So stop saying it's "hard," people. Say it's challenging. Say it's interesting. Say it's rarely boring. Even say it keeps you on your toes. All of those things are so much better and they sound it, too.

Look, you aren't toiling in the fields. You are building a life with a person you love and cherish, whose body you find attractive and whose face you wake up next to every day. You are forging new ground with your BFF and having a slumber party every night. Does that sound "hard" to you?

Would you say marriage is "hard"?


Image via Wagner T. Cassimiro "Aranha"/Flickr



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mamav... mamavaness

i'm not going to lie, I'm guilty of saying marriage is hard. I like 'challenging' though or rarely boring lol.

LostS... LostSoul88

Of coarse marriage is hard, what helps marriage last is workign at it. 

nonmember avatar blue

How funny, my husband and I were just talking about this last week. He has a coworker that is always talking about how hard marriage is. I have been married 8 years, and I can honestly say...I would not call one day of it "hard." We have gone through layoffs and financial stress, but our marriage has never been challenging. (Not to say that it's boring. It's not!!) I don't know why so many marriages are "hard," I just know mine has not been. I do think many, many people marry someone they probably shouldn't have. Conflicting personalities will always make a relationship hard. We have stopped at one child, because we like the amount of peace we have. I do think adding another would make it harder. I'm not saying our marriage will never be hard, I'm just saying we haven't walked that road until this point. We are both willing to do everything we can to hold on, should we ever encounter hard times.

lulou lulou

I just volunteered in my sons math class.  Multiplication for the first time for a lot of them. For some kids, they had a good background, were prepped in it before, knew how to do it.  Others just could simply figure it out.  I worked with one kid on groups, arrays, all kinds of tricks, they knew how to do it, but chose not to as soon as I walked away - and even asked if it was time to go home.  Some were just plain baffled.

redK8... redK8blueSt8

I hate hearing people say that marriage is hard. It's not. What's hard is putting your spouses needs above yours when you don't feel like it. What's hard is not being selfish. What's hard is setting aside your narcissistic independent tendencies and putting the "we" before the "me".

Alison Van De Hei

I've always distinguished between "hard" and "work". I don't think marriage is hard, but I do think it takes work. And by work, I don't mean fighting. I mean making the effort everyday to act in a loving way towards your partner, to make the effort to communicate and understand where the other person is coming from, to work at improving your marriage every day that passes. When it's with the right person marriage is easy. It's easy to be in love with your best friend. It takes work to keep the marriage healthy, but that work isn't "hard"

sssdnm sssdnm

I wouldn't say hard....bur its definitely work!

Katie Lawless

This is such a great article! While relationships have their "bumps in the road", the positives of being with your mate should always outweigh the negative. Even the best relationships have their struggles and require work. I feel very lucky to say that my boyfriend and I have a great relationship together. He truly is my best friend and even on our "off" days, I still want to be with him and he still wants to be with me. You put work into a relationship, but the relationship itself should not feel like a chore.

nonmember avatar AZmom1982

Actually, when I try to come up with one word to describe the last 10 years of my marriage, the word is definitely "HARD". I'm pretty surprised that most of these comments disagree with that. Maybe my marriage has been a lot harder than theirs, but I doubt it. I have spent countless nights crying myself to sleep because my husband doesn't show me affection. I have had to lie to him about things like going to lunch with my mom or buying groceries to avoid a huge argument. I have seriously considered ending my marriage more often than not. We are both "normal" people from similar backgrounds and we love each other. My husband is a good man and a great father, but marriage is definitely HARD.

Sydney Hammen Fuchs

If it's hard, you're doing it wrong.
Or right, heh. ;-)

I just wrote this on my own page. " Your love should never diminish you. They should only allow you to thrive, not wither."

I think that sums it up. Marriage is tough is what I say. Dealing with another human being is generally tough. There's tons of idiosyncncroices to work out, opinions,feelings..it all gets mashed into one organism and you just get through however you can.

marriage takes work and people are lazy and work by definition is hard. Hence the "marriage is hard" concept.

Work, patience, consistency, exploration, adaption,communication and honesty. That's what makes a marriage work, but a marriage should never feel like a dreaded task.

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