My 30 Dating Dealbreakers Mean I'll Be Single Forever

One great thing about getting older is that I know what I want and don't want in a relationship. After you've had a few serious relationships, and a few non-serious ones, and they haven't worked out, you do tend to end up with an intractable set of dealbreakers. After all, you've been there, done that, and don't want to be there or do that ever again. The problem is that the older you get, the longer the dealbreaker list becomes. Until you've run out of every person on the planet.

My actual list of dealbreakers -- containing issues both large and small -- is so exhaustive these days that the chances of my meeting a man who doesn't have a least one or two of these dealbreakers is virtually nil. But hope springs eternal.

Here are 30 absolute dealbreakers:

1. He stares at his cellphone screen while we're together.

2. He drinks too much. I can't define "too much" but I'll know it when I see it.

3. He smokes.

4. He doesn't exercise -- ever.

5. He's really into watching sports -- especially anything having to do with wrestling, football, or race car driving.

6. He likes to stay out late. A lot.

7. He can't hold down a job.

8. He's a trust fund baby who has never had to have a job.

9. He's got money issues, is always broke, or in major debt. He gambles.

10. He smokes pot or does any kind of drug.

11. He has a history of cheating.

12. He is SO gone after he lies to me for the second time. He'll get ONE warning.

13. He watches a lot of porn.

14. He's shady about introducing me to his friends or family.

15. He's wishy-washy on commitment.

16. He has to run decisions by his mom.

17. He hates his job and complains about it all the time.

18. He loves his job and is dedicated to it 24/7.

19. He broke up with a serious girlfriend within the past three months.

20. He seems even the tiniest bit gay.

21. He's got anger issues.

22. He's obsessed with status and money and cares about things like bottle service, brand names, and who was seen with whom.

23. He stares hungrily at other women while we're together.

24. He lives more than an hour away.

25. He doesn't get my jokes.

26. He watches crappy TV.

27. He's racist or homophobic or misogynist.

28. He's over 30 and still trying to "find" himself.

29. He's allergic to animals.

30. He's got depression or other mental health issues.

I know, I KNOW. I have just excluded every single male in the country. And the sad thing is, there's probably more. But I don't want to keep you all night.

On the other hand, I don't care if he's tall, what he wears (as long as he doesn't stink), or how much money he makes so long as he can support himself. Nor do I care if he's bald or balding. Or even if he has a small dick! I mean, I wouldn't care much anyway. Yes, I'm willing to date a bald, short, lower middle class dude with a small package -- as long as he doesn't do any of the above. Doesn't that count for something?!

What are your dealbreakers?


Image via David N. Cooper/Flickr

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