Recently I had that conversation you never ever want to have with someone you really, really care about. You know, the one where you talk about how you go on with your lives separately now that you're broken up. In the dim light of a small coffee shop over a lukewarm macchiato, I looked into his eyes. My chest hurt. I knew what I had to say, but I didn't want to say it ... at all.
"I'm going to have to defriend you on Facebook. At least for now. I can't know."
It's sad, isn't it? That these are the things you have to discuss with someone when you're going your separate ways? But it was true. I didn't want to click the "unfriend" button because I wanted nothing to do with him. I needed to click it because I still care, and I just can't handle it.
In our ridiculously plugged-in society, breakups feel harder. If I was to stay friends with him, I'd see the photos and status check-ins of him out with his friends. It was hard enough to see photos of him and other girls (all friends, of course) when I wasn't around when we were together. Apart? I would become a mental case.
I thought of the future. I’m sure when holidays come around and he goes on vacation, I’d be there sitting behind the dim glow of my 4-year-old MacBook late at night clicking through the pictures of his adventures. I'd sit there and wonder which woman smiling among the crowd is the one that goes back with him. Maybe it's no one. Maybe he'll still have me in the back of his mind. But I knew in that small coffee shop, sitting there, I couldn't handle those possibilities. I couldn't do that to myself.
... I didn’t do it right away. He asked when I would and all I could say was "when I can't handle it anymore." And well, that happened. Three days later, when photos went up of a night out. It was all just too much.
I could never hate him. Heck, I still love him and always will. I've learned so much about myself from this relationship that I'm thankful that he's come into my life, truly. In order to move on, though, and for us both to grow as individuals -- I don’t need to see all of that stuff in my face. If that makes me a "bad person"? Well, then that's a title I'll just have to accept.
Have you ever had to defriend an ex on Facebook? Was it hard?
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