I Finally Stopped Text-Stalking My Ex

TextingIt’s been two weeks. Two long, psycho behavior-less weeks since I last texted my ex. Hooray for small victories and for easing up off of crazy.

It was sparked, exactly two weeks and one day ago, by a revelation. I’d been sitting on my sofa, cellphone in hand, about to fire one off to him for the 1,000th or 100,000th time (only Verizon knows the exact figure) and randomly express my undying love in what probably would’ve been the text message equivalent of a Keith Sweat song. I am impulsive, and paired with unlimited texting and rambling thoughts, I am downright dangerous sometimes.

It’s a steep, slick slope into pathetic, and I was about to aim right at it and launch. I didn’t know what I was going to say exactly, but whatever it was was going to put me under love’s stiletto boot heel. For the 1,000th or 100,000th time.

Divine intervention tiptoes in at the most fateful moments, thank God, and I paused because words surprisingly failed me, which, for a writer and self-aware motormouth, is a miracle in and of itself. Drawing that blank is how I ended up on the balcony and when I slid the glass door open to walk back inside, I had a new perspective. “Wouldn’t it be nice,” rational Janelle said to emotional Janelle, “to get these messages instead of being the one to send them?”

When you find yourself always playing the part of event planner and never, ever the invited guest, when you’re the one initiating conversations that wouldn’t have been had if you weren’t the one who started them, you’re in a relationship with yourself. The other person is just there for decoration.

I’d have a mouthful of advice for one of my girlfriends if she was habitually on the heels of a dude who treated her like an option, not a necessity. But damn all that. Love had punked that better judgment into a cowering corner somewhere.

Sometimes women, in our eternal optimism and see-the-best-in-people-ness, give 150 percent all into relationships that aren’t worth the time or the energy we invest simply because we can envision how things could be if this would be like this and that would be like that. We gotta learn the hard way that you can’t make something be what it was never capable of.

It’s not easy to publicly admit, especially as a super girl-power flexing womanist, even one who shares all kinds of personal business, that you’ve been strung out on a dude who’s ever-so-nonchalant about you. I suspect I’m not the first and, unless Apple finally markets the technology to walk up and zap a guy into acting right and falling in line, I probably won’t be the last. (But seriously ... that invention? Now, please. I’ll even front some of the funding.)

But I felt compelled to share on behalf of girls with big hearts and bad experiences. So this is my official manifesto to myself to let it go. If I put it out there, I have to stick to it.

Back away from the texts, Janelle. And stay far, far away.

When do you know you’re out of control with post-breakup contact with your ex?

Image via Vox Efx/Flickr

breakups, dating, exes, love


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bills... billsfan1104

It will 6 days today since I texted or talked to my ex. He is in Canada right now with his girls, but I am leaving him alone. It takes a lot of me to not text him and share a picture or something. So, like you, I will let go, and love me. Love me and take care of myself!! You don't need that guy Janelle. He is not worth anymore.

1Step 1Step

I have to say, this kind of stalking behavior - the endless emailing & texting to an EX -  is what makes men run for the hills.  I don't know if it's my "generation" or not, but the awful needy "can't let go" attitude of this author is awful.  And she calls herself "a super girl-power flexing woman"??  Uh, no.  You are not.  You have no pride in yourself.   A Super girl-power flexing woman would be secure in her choice, and herself, and not so self involved and unable to accept reality.  She would MOVE ON with her life. Find someone else willing and able to be what they need and let the EX go on his merry way.   Unmolested, with no unwanted scary over-texting day after day after day.    I am very glad you have been able to be strong finally - keep it up. 

pupuk... pupukeawahine

Hey--are you perfect?  It' takes a strong, fairly self-aware person to admit their faults.

nonmember avatar mel

We are all strong people its about being aware that we are and using it. Don't worry about all the people who want to nit pick at your ''flaws'' ... we all come into this world looking to take on challenges and I think your doing just fine. Love it. Keep going and keep loving yourself.

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Cel7777 Cel7777

I seriously never do stuff like this and I've never been dumped. Ever. I'm not trying to knock you--we all have our vices and flaws--but reign that shit in. Permanently.

nonmember avatar MP

You go girl! I also have just dumped a man I was with for nearly 5 years. The reasons were EXACTLY what you wrote here - I did all the planning of everything we ever did together. I even felt I was dragging him along to His friends’ events! And he always complained! Maybe he was just really, really lazy or depressed. But whatever it was, it was Not MY fault. Being the constant planner, as you say, is emotionally exhausting and actually physically draining. When I decided to break it off, I took a whole week and didn't contact him at all in any way. And he never contacted me either. This just confirmed my feelings and confirmed my decision. So as you can see, we have come to the same conclusions at the same time and I only wish we had both gotten to this understanding sooner! But thank you so much for writing this post!!! I understand completely the hurt you have been experiencing and I fully sympathize with you. I highly recommend the cold-turkey approach to this situation; no longer contacting the ex in any way, shape or form. I feel this has been immensely helpful for me and my emotional recovery. I am also keeping busy with fun things so that I do not spend Any time thinking about my ex or what might have been. Because as you said, it never would have been! You are a very brave woman and I know you will find someone Worthy who will Love and Appreciate you, just as I am sure I will eventually too. I wish you the best and will continue reading your thoughtful writing.

Vanessa Shascha Monsalve

I know how your feeling our two year anniversy of knowing each other was on Feb 28th that was the last time we were together. There was no fight, no drama. Just a request to order him a jersey on eBay, and the money to pay for it and buy something for myself. Then after two weeks of zero contact and none of my texts being responded, I watched mob wives and I decided to copy Karens move of showing up a unannounced, After getting dressed up in my best outfit and stilettos I show up to his apartment on a snowy Monday night. I literarly called him for half an hour, then I start knocking on the door, his roommate answers. I give him the jersey, then my now ex calls me that he was not home and he didn't hear his phone. So I basically wasted an hour on my life on someone who decided to push me away. I a now doing much better, but I still have his number in my phone. I hope to delete it soon and never copy what I watch on mob wives

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nonmember avatar TRACEY


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