5 Things People Need to Stop Saying to Second Wives Right Now

Rant 14

second marriageFor many second wives or first wives who come after their spouse had kids with a former sex partner, the reality of partnering with a man with children only comes after they've had their own children. Once the reality of $1,000 or $700 or $2,000 in child support sets in, they are upset. 

But don't expect for them to get any sympathy. Oh no. Not here. Second wives and women who marry after children are born are excoriated online and by almost everyone. "You asked for it when you married him, honey," they might say. As if we can control who we fall in love with.

The reality is, second wives get a bum rap and these kinds of comments don't make it any better. In that vein, here are 5 things not to say to second wives:

  1. Do you hate your stepkids? -- We aren't living in a Disney movie, people. A woman can marry a man with children and love his children just as much as you love your own. Really. It doesn't take biology to love a kid and families are complicated even when they are related by blood.
  2. Child support is what you get for marrying him -- This may very well be true. But it doesn't mean it can't suck. Or that it has to be easy and accepted. For many second wives, child support is a big burden, one that sometimes feels unfair and like too much money to part with. The reality is, family courts are often more generous with first wives than second families. I know a family where the man gives a third of his salary to one child while his other four kids with his actual wife split the other two-thirds. Sorry, that's not fair. We can feel bad for her. It doesn't mean we don't also think kids need to be supported.
  3. How is that baby mama drama? -- It's not always all that dramatic. Sometimes there are just kids from a previous marriage or relationship and everyone is happy and calm and settled in their lives. Hard to believe, but very true. In fact, this normalcy and comfort may be more normal than drama and strife. Shocking!
  4. He can't ever love you like his first wife -- If he is a widower, this is said a lot. To this I say: No two loves are alike. Right? I mean he may not love you just like someone else, but that's OK. He still can love you a whole lot. And also: Who the hell says this?
  5. The kids always come first -- That is true. Kind of. But the reality is, kids grow up. Marriages should last forever. A good father can balance both. He shouldn't make a woman FEEL like she is coming second. If he is, there is a problem. Even more, if you are the friend of a second wife, she already FEELS like second best. So why make her feel worse?

Are you as second wife? What do people say to you that is rude?


Image via Tony Alter/Flickr



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Misty... Misty.Dawn

Im not the second wife yet (currently engaged) & he wasnt married to his ex, but had kids with him. The thing that irritated me the most is how his sister feels the need to CONSTANTLY bring up stuff they did. "oh, yall are going here for this or that? yeah..him & her went there too" every once in a while wouldnt be a big deal. But when its all the time. Ugh! its like saying "you & him might do it, but he did it with her first"...as far as child support, i get that all the time "you knew that when you got with him" yeah but it still sucks!

Misty... Misty.Dawn

*had kids with HER lol

bills... billsfan1104

The second wife has to ACCEPT child support.

redK8... redK8blueSt8

Paying child support sucks nothing in comparison to only getting to visit your dad every other weekend, or watching him raise kids and be full time daddy to his new wifes kids.

hello... hellokd87

My situation is like Misty Dawn's, they weren't married. There's no drama here but I can relate to feeling 2nd. Like the article (and bible AND blended families books) says, marriage is FOREVER. Or at least we plan it to be. Kids grow up, move out and get their own lives. It's not to say they need to put their relationship with their kids on the back burner, but maybe invest in the relationship with your current spouse a little better. Put HER (me, us) first every once in a while. Or make up for it when you "can't". (Sorry, it felt like a venting to my fiancee that he'll never read!! Lol)

nonmember avatar blh

Its completely ridiculous to complain about child support UNLESS there is something seriously unfair about it. Its just tacky. My ex had a kid with someone else and it sucked there was constantly drama. I very much hope I'm never in that situation again.

nonmember avatar emmie

Misty Dawn- im in the same boat as you. My mom is always reminding me that I chose this lifestyle when i married my husband. However my husband is supposed to have visitations with his kids and his ex won't let him even though half his paycheck hoes to child support. It was a really messy break up. He hasnt seen his kids in 10 years.

nonmember avatar Dua

I m a second wife n my life is hell my husband left me just 7 days aftr the marriage n went to hs first wife it feels so bad almost 6 yrs n i m all alone till nw he never came bck my parents dnt want me bck n ths ugly cruel bull shit society makes my life more n more hell calling me a bitch:'(

Vegeta Vegeta

My actual mom/fathers first wife sucks but my dad's new wife is awesome and so are her kids from 2 previous husbands. It is a Disney story with us. My whole family loves her.

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