For guys, there are three pivotal moments in any relationship. Moments that aren't just huge milestones, but ones that fill us with absolute terror.
One of course, is marriage. I'm not talking about the wedding itself or the "till death do us part" thing. I mean the proposing. See, even if we've talked about it for years, and absolutely know you're going to say, "yes," there's still that eensy teensy chance we could be rejected that gets our foreheads sweating like mad. Yeah, we're weird like that.
The second scariest moment would be the first time a guy tells his girl he loves her. Those three simple words completely turn any relationship on its side. Nothing will ever be the same again. It might be good, it might be bad. But it'll never be the same again.
The third scariest moment, however, is the biggest. It's the one guys absolutely fear the most.
Girls know guys are pigs. Guys know that girls know this. And yet, when we first meet, we always try to put on our best manners, say the right things and refrain from any rude bodily sounds.
At some point, though, something has to give. Whether it's in a crowded movie theater, cuddling on the couch, or at a special romantic dinner for two, at some point, every guy does it. He lets his guard down and lets slip the end of the innocence.
He lets one rip. He toots. Cracks a rat. Breaks wind. Cuts the cheese. In other words, he farts.
Yes, sirree, a guy's entire life flashes before his eyes (as the smell wafts past his nose), the very first time he passes gas in front of his girlfriend. The next 10 seconds are easily the longest in his entire life. And why not, your girlfriend's reaction can be anything!
Thousands of scenarios and questions race through our mind in those agonizing and embarrassing 10 seconds.
Will she be disgusted or offended? Will she scream, "That's soooo gross!" and storm out? Or maybe she'll laugh her ass off. Heck, she might even say, "Thank God! I've been holding this in all night," and let one rip herself. Okay, maybe not that last one.
Every couple is different, as is every reaction. Most scenarios will likely include some giggling, reddening of the face and quickly moving the conversation on. And slowly, ever so slowly, a guy will continue to "unwind" in front of his girl until his gas passing borders on harassment.
But before that initial moment, us guys do our best to hold everything in. And let me tell ya, it's painful! Guys bodies are made up of 70% water and 146% gas. If we don't let that gas out at regular intervals, our insides may very well burst out of our chests like a baby alien with a mad-on for Sigourney Weaver.
Curious why we run to the bathroom so much during dinner? Or when we have to go "check something in the car" when we're supposed to be spending time together? Yeah, there's nothing going on. We just need to release the pressure inside our balloon of a stomach.
And ladies, if we look like we're in pain trying to answer a deep question of yours, it has nothing to do with avoiding commitment. If you think we're suddenly growing distant in the middle of a date, trust me, it's not you.
We're just trying to make sure everything works out alright in the end.
Do you remember your husband's first toot?
Photo via dylan Snow/Flickr