Man’s Hilariously Crazy Dating Profile Makes It Clear Why He’s Not Married Yet

Rant 14

Having ridiculously unrealistic expectations while dating is probably one of the main things that keeps a lot of people from finding love. And it's not strictly the province of women. One 41-year-old New York man on OK Cupid might be wondering why he hasn't managed to find the woman of his dreams yet -- and this is very possibly because she doesn't exist.

The man, who goes by the handle "longdarkhandsome," describes what he's looking for in a woman -- and it's so outrageously out of whack with reality that he easily dispenses with 99.99999% of the female population. To wit:

His ideal woman must work out 6 days a week. She must like to "browse at Barneys and Bergdorf." She should like Shakespeare. She should look like Jessica Biel or Evangeline Lilly. Oh, and she should have a waist so tiny that she makes Barbie look like a truckdriver. Says longdarkhandsome:

You have a twenty-three to twenty-five inch waist. This is my definition of "slender". Please, have a photo as clear as the ones in my "my type" album. Thank you. Everybody has a mirror and a camera.

His "my type" album contains lots of photos of Jessica Biel. Here's the thing: Not even Jessica Biel has a 23-inch waist. Hers is supposedly 25 inches, but it's common practice to whittle a few inches off the waist and add a few to the bust when you're an actress. The tiniest waisted woman in the world has a 15-inch waist.

I can just barely fit in jeans with a 24-inch waist, and I'm one of the smallest women I know. Anyway, it's never a good idea to demand that your real life partners fit some kind of celebrity ideal.

The guy has some other interesting "quirks" to his profile, too. He goes into excruciating detail about his finances -- including his supposed trust fund -- and claims he has a penis "girth" of over five inches. He also blames his short stature on the fact that his mother didn't breast feed him. Sheesh, dude, get over it.

But since he claims he wants to send two children to "private school in TriBeca" he should really think a little about what might make him compatible with another human being besides waistline. Would any woman want to bear the children of a man this obsessed with waist measurement? Is he aware this will likely change after his "lucky" lady bears his offspring?

And, no, apparently this profile isn't a joke, though it would be a huge relief if it were. This man emailed a friend of mine (despite not knowing her waist size, though I'm sure he would have required proof of that before their first date) and when my friend wrote back congratulating him on his "hilarious profile," he was sorely offended.

What do you think of expectations in dating?


Image via Daniela Vladirmirova/Flickr



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nonmember avatar Sureyoudo

Riiiiight. 5in girth.

nonmember avatar meh

making fun of people online is cyber-bullying. this should not be posted as an "article."

Sanveann Sanveann

Cyberbullying is defined in legal glossaries as

  • actions that use information and communication technologies to support deliberate, repeated, and hostile behavior by an individual or group, that is intended to harm another or others.

  • use of communication technologies for the intention of harming another person

  • use of internet service and mobile technologies such as web pages and discussion groups as well as instant messaging or SMS text messaging with the intention of harming another person.

Sanveann Sanveann

(I wouldn't say that anything in this article qualifies as "harming." It's not bullying to point out someone's massively unrealistic ideals, either.)

nonmember avatar kaerae

Sounds like a textbook cases of SGS: Short Guy Syndrome. I'm sure he'll find exactly what he's looking for...

jhslove jhslove

This can't be serious, right? My husband and I both just got a good laugh at's got to be a joke. If not, I feel sorry for this guy. He's gonna be alone for a long, loooooooong time.

ItsJu... ItsJustLunchDC

You find this quite often with people dating through dating sites and services. Men want to "order up" a woman as through there are woman creation meachines in the back office. Most people are unrealistic. I believe it comes from watching too much media over exposing a select number fo women. Those women do actually exist in NY. The reality is that, this guy will not have too many women to choose from as women's #1 top priority is finding a Tall man. This is just as shallow on the women's side, but it's always requested. 

Kelli Alves

Wow, really? What kind of naive DORK would think that a profile like the one described is serious, most especially on OK Cupid? On my profile I wrote that I have a parasitic twin and I preferred a man who can levitate objects with mere thought. It's called being facetious. Look it up and while you're at it, GROW UP!

While I've always known there were goofballs out there who don't understand written humor and take those things literally, it never occurred to me that those who write for a living were among them.

nonmember avatar Ben

Is 5" girth that big of a deal? I'm over 5.5 - but I'm not putting it in my online profile.

Mike Cornelison

My profile says, "BBW Friendly."

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