'Nice Guy' Stalkers May Not Threaten You But They Just Won't Go Away

Rant 12

When you think of a stalker, you think of someone who won't leave you alone -- but who is also scary, threatening, and even mentally disturbed. But there are other kinds of stalkers. Stalking is about someone trying to control their victim -- and people use different methods to try and control. One of those methods can be "niceness." It can be manipulative, boundary-busting, and incredibly hurtful, but it's maybe harder to understand than the typical stalking. But, yes, there is such a thing as the "Nice Stalker." Let me explain.

My friend ended a relationship with a man about a year ago. Actually, he was the one who ended it. He decided he wanted to date another woman. So he told my friend he couldn't see her anymore. My friend was devastated, but said she understood.

There was just one thing she asked him to do: To please not contact her anymore. Although they were friends as well as lovers, she needed time and space to heal, and felt their usual all-day emails and text messages wouldn't allow for that. He said he understood.

But he didn't.

Soon enough, the text messages began coming. How was she doing? He hoped she was okay. He hoped he hadn't hurt her too badly. He was sorry for what he did. Hey, they could still be friends.

My friend said she understood and asked him again to give her space to heal and to stop communicating. Maybe they could be friends in the future but not NOW and could he please leave her alone for awhile.

He couldn't.

Each day, several times a day would come the text messages. Always concerned for her welfare. Always wanting to be friends. Sometimes going as far as to suggest they get together for lunch or drinks. Occasionally, the messages slipped into light flirtation. He's always reminding her what a "nice guy" he is. (Never mind that he dumped her and won't leave her alone.)

My friend was baffled. WHY was this man who didn't want to be with her continually contacting her? Since ignoring him wasn't working, she blocked his text messages. Then he began emailing. So she blocked him there. Then he began sending messages through Facebook, even though they weren't friends.

Each time he contacts her, my friend is thrown into a new tizzy of conflicting emotions. If he doesn't want to be with her, why is he always saying such nice things to her? And why can't he leave her be if he has a new girlfriend?

The answer is: Because he wants to control her. He may not want a relationship with her -- but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to stop manipulating her. This is more than just a minor annoyance -- this man is going out of his way to make sure my friend never gets the distance she needs to heal her heart. He's doing that on purpose.

At this point, she's blocked him from everything she can think of, and he hasn't shown up on her doorstep. He hasn't threatened her. He hasn't gotten angry with her. Which is good.

But make no mistake -- this is a man who wants to keep hurting a woman he's already hurt. And that makes him not nice.

Have you ever had a "nice stalker"?


Image via Jhaymesisviphotography/Flickr

breakups, exes, love


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Cathinka Norløff-Mathisen

I took me almost two months to make my ex (hwo dumped me) to stop contacting me. I really didn't need to hear his "I'm unsure what I want and I still like/love you, but breaking up was the right thing" on a daily basis.

nonmember avatar jamie

Dealing with this right now. My trouble is its with my soon to be ex husband who i have a childwith so i can't exactly blick him :( maybe the divorce papers will convince him

TugBo... TugBoatMama

My husband and I were in the middle of a divorce a few years ago. We did reconcile and we are still married today, but I remember how he would not leave me alone for even a second of the day while the divorce was happening. He wasn't trying to fight with me or threaten me, but he was sending endless text messages and fb messages begging me to get together so we can talk and "hang out". If I was out by myself doing something he wanted to know where I was, what I was doing and if I was with anyone.

the4m... the4mutts

Yep, it about control either way. And in my case with an ex, it was also about trying to keep me on the backburner to be used for sex. He tried on the few occasions I was stupid enough to hang out with him. Luckilly I didnt give in, and I caught on quickly.

I would rather have a violent stalker than a nice one. At least I can shoot a violent one with good reason.

nonmember avatar Joey

Broke off with BF after 5 months.
I broke it off. Too nice, but not really. Too needy.
I had ZERO contact. Nothing.
To date I have oh.. over 960 texts in 3 months from my ex-texter
I sent one text about a restraining order, and one more saying "What part of No Contact Don't you Understand?" That was it. But the beat goes on.. 9 to 12 texts a day, to the day. I have his phone number on mute. I could change numbers, but no.. that would send the message "ah ah I can control you!"
Also I like to keep my enemies who "Love Me" close.
Stats say it could go on for a year, but meh, so what! it's just words and they're on mute.
Life goes on "ignore"

Todd Vrancic

Whether it's "How are you doing, I want to make sure you're okay" or "You cannot date anyone else at all," it's still all about controlling the woman.  Some men (and some women, too, just to be fair) CANNOT take no for an answer unless you back it with a club (figuratively speaking).

nonmember avatar Rikki

Yes, I have had a "nice" stalker. He promised to be a friend and we chatted constantly for 2 months about ordinary things. We had gone to the same high school and grew up in the same community, but I never knew him until we met online and soon after, at a high school get together. He offered an ear during a difficult divorce, and gave me advice on how to deal with my ex. The messages soon turned romantic. Although I kept stressing that we were only friends, he wanted more. When I finally cut him off, he immediately started threatening me....said he would ruin my reputation.....knowing my standing at work and in the church community. He literally turned on me overnight when it became apparent that I was not going to pursue a romantic relationship with him.

Nerhé Snave

A lot of men don't have anybody they can talk about their feelings with - no support system at all. They have buddies galore, but no shoulder to cry on. Its possible he just missed your friendship and the validation of your attraction without necessarily wanting to be in a relationship with you. I'm Bi and its weird to me that men I've been in relationships with have become good friends and women have completely cut me off. If he valued his connection with you but had determined that a romantic relationship was not viable, why should he not try to keep in contact and keep the friendship going?

nonmember avatar Cindy

Only after confronting someone about their conflicting behavior regarding an extremely similar situation did they bluntly admit they were orchestrating the entire span of events in an attempt to control and manipulate me for their own selfish benefit. My only advice to anyone currently going through something like this is to be strong. The first time you say you need your space, let that be your last. Immediately block this person and do not let them take advantage of you any further. If I could go back in time I would have made sure I took the appropriate measures, instead of letting myself be harassed to the point of mental exhaustion. After a final confrontation, I never heard from them again and it took a long time to heal.
Do not make excuses for neither them or yourself. Go with your gut. Put your needs first. Do not let someone make their own personal issues something that grips and controls your mental well being. <3

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