As you might be able to read from my past "Staying Married With Kids" columns, I'm really trying quite hard to fix my past wrongs and work on moving forward in my marriage, not just for the sake of my kids' happiness, but my own as well.
But I have to be honest and say that my husband isn't pulling his weight, which wouldn't be such a huge issue if he was apologetic or even warm toward me.
That's not the case, however, and so I'm sitting here wondering how long you keep trying before you give up hope.
Let me be clear: Neither one of us is perfect and we've made our fair share of mistakes. But I'm really doing what I can to make things work, which for me means no crazy fights in front of the kids, talking about what's bothering me without attacking him, and doing my best to be thankful for everything he does.
I'm not going to lie. It's exhausting to have to think about this all the time, especially when you don't feel like you're really getting very much in return.
But I'm really dedicated to making positive change. Or, at least I was.
And while there's no real major fights and we both sort of just do our thing and everything is copacetic, it's not necessarily better or happier. It's just not what it was before.
And then just last night, he did something that showed he really hasn't changed his ways. Nothing that might be seen as a deal breaker for most people, but in our relationship it absolutely is, because it's something that he keeps doing over and over again, something I've told him he just can't do because it dramatically affects my already stressful daily existence as a sometimes solo full-time working parent of four kids.
The worst part is that instead of understanding why it's a problem, he has no idea why it would be such a problem. So I end up looking like a lunatic or, in this case, a really mean parent, for putting my foot down.
Well trust me. I've let a lot of stuff slide. I've compromised more than I wish I had. But at what point do you get to say, "If this happens, I'm done"?
I'm coming to learn that the straw that breaks the camel's back isn't necessarily the biggest or the worst. It's the one that keeps coming back time and after time with no realization of its potential damage.
What are the deal breakers in your relationship?
Image via xikita/Flickr
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Comments 22
Talking with a woman I really admire this past year, we were discussing a mutual friend's failed relationship. Moral of the story or relationship was nothing our friend ever did was ever good enough to make his girlfriend happy. She had a lot of insecurities, and he had to continuously "prove" his love to her. It went on for two years, and the relationship went up in a fiery blaze. After talking about this relationship, my friend who has been married for 20 something years and has two kids says "Dating and marriage should be easy otherwise what's the point." She is so right. I believe if you are having problems you need to work on them, but when problems become habits and everyday occurences, you need to re-evaluate your situation.
Statistics show that children do better when parents stay together - happy or not. Have you tried marriage counseling? Sometimes it takes an outside party to help. Splitting a family in two is very hard on the children and the wallet. Hold on as long as you can.
Abmz72, what terrible advice you were given, "marriage should be easy otherwise what's the point". Making a lifelong partnership between two individuals is absolutely hard work. Are you naturally always selfless? No. No one is. We each grow, mature, and learn at different rates. Walking away from marriage because its hard right now is denying yourself and your spouse the joy that comes from getting through that hardship together not to mention the deepening of your love and marital bond. It also denies your children the stable home environment you owe to them. I know how hard it can be to struggle to overcome a single issue that for one partner is a very important thing while being seemingly irrelevant to the other. The hurt, frustration, and resent that can result from such circumstances can be alleviated even if your spouse hasn't changed. You control your emotions, they do not control you.
And to the author: how on earth did you have FOUR children with this man who has apparently never helped you out? Yikes. Best of luck to you.
Ditto, Sarah, Mara, and Jennifer.
Here's a thought...if you want your marriage to have a chance of working out, stop complaining publicly about your husband. I doubt he appreciates it. Here's hoping you're at least writing under a pseudonym.