Sex Confession: I Don't Know How to Be Monogamous

Say What!? 15

wedding ring hand"Sex Confessions" is a series featuring your naughtiest bedroom secrets and fantasies. Some will sound familiar, others may give you ideas, some will turn you on, and some are dark and twisted. You might want to sit down for this.

For many people, getting married means you are committed to one person forevermore (generally) and that usually means your body is off-limits to others. But for 35-year-old, mom of two, Susan* that isn't exactly the case. To fully understand the fact that Susan doesn't know how to be monogamous, we must also understand that she never was. She and her husband Frank* had an open relationship before they got married. They were together, but allowed the other to be with other people. It worked for them though they had a no questions asked policy. They didn't decide to be monogamous until they learned Susan was pregnant and they got married. Now she's missing those open relationship days. I'll let Susan explain. 

When Frank and I first got together, we were seeing other people. Then we became serious with each other -- we fell in love -- but we decided together to still see other people if the urge was there. It wasn't like there was constantly another person -- for me at least. One year I had only kissed two other people besides Frank. These dalliances aren't always sexual. But there have been times that they were. This was the lifestyle we had and both agreed to. We didn't tell the other the details, but I felt I knew whenever Frank had a fling. It was never an issue between us. Then I got pregnant.

We decided to get married and marriage for us meant monogamy. We at least wanted to give it a try and we did for five years. Now I want to go back to our former life, but I don't think Frank wants to. In the years we've been monogamous, he's said on many occasions how he loves it, how he feels even closer to me. I felt closer to him too but I thought it was because we had children.

I feel like our sex life was better when the "doors were open" -- when we gave each other permission to be with others. Now I feel that stuck feeling and I hate it because I know it's so stereotypical but it's just that we were used to a certain way of being and we made some changes due to the circumstances but now I feel we are ready to go back to how it was. Monogamy just isn't working for me. I just fear even mentioning it will devastate him and ruin us. And that's not what I want at all. But I'm unhappy as we are.

What do you think of Susan's confession? Do you think she should talk to Frank? Do you think it's possible to be in an open relationship when you are married with kids?


*Names have been changed.

Image via Caitlinator/Flickr

commitment, sex confession, marriage


To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

jkm89 jkm89

Talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. You're going to end up seeing someone behind his back if you don't say something now.

Truel... Truelove77

Always be open with your partner no matter how dumb or uninteresting you might think it is....lying or not telling your partner things is not good.

Pinkmani Pinkmani

Maybe she shouldn't have gotten married! She needs to tell her husband her thoughts and see a marriage counselor. 

mande... manderspanders

I think she needs to grow up. If marriage is *that* important to you and your husband is a good one, then don't create problems where there are none.

nonmember avatar jennie

SEE A LICENSED MARRIAGE THERAPIST!!!! They can really help each party understand themselves, each other, and decide which steps would be appropriate.
To me, it sounds like 'Frank' already knows how "Susan" feels, but is trying to avoid the issue. get help now!

jalaz77 jalaz77

They should of never gotten married. She should never make a commitment.

nonmember avatar Kidsfirst

Now that there are kids in the picture, she needs to make a good example for her kids. I won't get into my personal opinions about open relationships, but I think she owes it to her kids and the father of her kids to be honest and upfront about her feelings. Those kids cannot thrive well in a family that lies to each other. It's also not fair to the father. I guess I don't have a lot of empathy for her, but i've had some really rough patches with my husband who is the father of my two beautiful girls, and I made it work and am still working on it.

Happy... Happydad73

So now you want to change the rules in the middle of the game. You agreed to a life with your partner and just him, but now you have 'buyers remorse'. You need to see a marriage counselor soon or you risk losing everything for a little som em som em on the side. If you can'tbe faithful you need to let him go so he can find someone who will.

work4... work4mickey

I don't think you should go back to an open relationship, but you should admit to him that you miss it. The reason I don't think you should go back is the kids. You seemed to know when your husband had a fling. Kids will pick up on whatever signs eighther of you give off and they will know something is up. That's why you closed the relationship in the first place. I don't think there is anything morally "wrong" with an open relationship, but it is a minefield and it is really easy to screw things up. Most people aren't as clever or careful as they think they are. Also, some people will claim they are comfortable with it, to make their partner happy, but in reality they aren't. Monogamy just simpler and the rules are clearer.

1-10 of 15 comments 12 Last