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The Husband’s Guide to Life in 5 Easy Steps

by Sasha Brown-Worsham on February 8, 2013 at 2:20 PM

bed making husbandMy husband is really an awesome, incredibly intelligent man. Most of the time I find him fascinating, hilarious, and tons of fun. But when it comes to other things ... sometimes I just don't get what the man is thinking.

Like losing things. He loses things all the time (though he will claim otherwise), and once they are lost, he is seemingly incapable of that whole "retracing his steps" trick that helps women.

"I will find it when I am not looking," he tells me. Then he promptly forgets it's even lost. Nine times out of 10, I end up looking and finding it. Smart man, eh? Oh yeah. These dudes. They play all clueless but they are actually pretty smart. Here I am, jumping through all these hoops, finding HIS lost Boston Red Sox hat while he sits back and waits for it to be found. Pure genius. Here are a few other husband tricks I have uncovered over the years:

1.) Husband's Guide to Making Dinner:

• Step 1: Consider calling take-out. Opt to cook instead.

• Step 2: If take-out is closed, find a box of rice.

• Step 3: Set oven on high since everything can be cooked on high, right?

• Step 4: Burn rice.

• Step 5: Call take-out.

2.) Husband's Guide to Laundry:

• Step 1: Take all the clothing in the baskets and stuff it into laundry machine.

• Step 2: Keep stuffing. The harder packed, the better.

• Step 3: Throw in some powdered detergent, put it on cold, and walk away.

• Step 4: Forget all about it. Remember three days later when you run out of underwear.

• Step 5: Throw in dryer and forget mildew stains and packed detergent that was too stuffed to dissolve. Wonder why your clothing does not smell any better.

3.) Husband's Guide to Losing Things:

• Step 1: Announce it's gone. Hope your wife looks.

• Step 2: Look in one place. Declare it a lost cause.

• Step 3: Forget all about it.

• Step 4: "I hope the cleaning people find it on Wednesday."

• Step 5: Wife gets fed up. Finds it in second place she looks (behind couch) after 3 minutes.

4.) Husband's Guide to Finding Food:

• Step 1: Open fridge.

• Step 2: Look for 0.3 seconds.

• Step 3: "Honey, do we have sour cream?"

• Step 4: Still don't find sour cream.

• Step 5: "Honey, what shelf is it on?"

5.) Husband's Guide to Making the Bed:

• Step 1: Develop a philosophy declaring making beds pointless.

• Step 2: Announce this to everyone you meet, include things like, "You are just going to get back into it!"

• Step 3: Hold fast to this philosophy even in the face of ever mounting wifely pressure to do otherwise.

• Step 4: Halfheartedly pull the covers up and say: "There honey! Bed's made! OK?"

• Step 5: Never have to make the bed again.

Does your spouse do any of these things?


Comments

10
  • sylph...
    --

    sylph_ironlight

    February 8, 2013 at 2:37 PM

    The making dinner one is definitely my husband. He can't even cook eggs because he burns them, then complains that something is wrong with the pan and that we need a new one.


  • the4m...
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    the4mutts

    February 8, 2013 at 2:38 PM
    No. Not even close. Everyone has their silly quirks, but laziness and stupidity arent funny, cute, or tolerated in our house.
    The biggest quirk my s/o has is constantly losing his book & bookmark, and whatever cup he's drinking out of. But he gets up and finds them... even if he has to find them 10 times a day, he still does it himself.
  • Doomy234
    --

    Doomy234

    February 8, 2013 at 2:52 PM
    Ugh always with the losing crap with my husband. If its not within eyeshot it doesnt get found unless I find it.
  • mande...
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    manderspanders

    February 8, 2013 at 3:00 PM
    This fits the ex hub to a tee! My husband doesn't cool (i'm lucky he cam turn the oven on for me) so he just skips right to "call take out"...but everything else, he's pretty good about.
  • handy...
    --

    handy0318

    February 8, 2013 at 3:05 PM

    My husband is pretty great about cooking, laundry and housework.  However, I have to admit, I've never met a man that can look for something that's lost.  My husband doesn't, my son doesn't, my brother, b-i-l's, nephews, grandpa's, uncles...  My dad was ex-Navy, so he was a real "everything in it's place" kind of guy, but if something wound up missing...walk into a room it might be in...stare for a few seconds..."I can't find it."  Must have something to do with Y chromosomes.


  • Miche...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Michele L James

    February 8, 2013 at 3:30 PM

    The losing things is all me. Making the bed is me, too. The making dinner thing is my hubby for sure!


  • Blues...
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    Blueshark77

    February 8, 2013 at 5:37 PM

    Him: Where's your electric drill? Me: You used it last, I don't know.

    Him: Found it. Where's the charger? Me: I don't know, you used it last.

    Him: Found it (finished project that only took 18 months of nagging and finally a threat that I would do it)

    Week later...Him: Where's the drill? Me: You serious?


  • Kimbyann
    --

    Kimbyann

    February 8, 2013 at 10:07 PM
    Lol @blueshark.
    My dh is the same way. He comes in the house and takes off his work outfit somewhere and when its time for work, He has no idea and has me look
  • Gabby...
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    Gabbysmom715

    February 9, 2013 at 2:23 AM
    Every thing but the making the bed is hubby. He has tried for 4 years to get me to make the bed but i refuse. Its pointless and a waste of time.
  • melmcl
    -- Nonmember comment from

    melmcl

    February 13, 2013 at 1:54 PM
    We just had the sour cream discussion last week. 3 times I said it's on the top shelf to the left. It has a bright red lid! He couldn't find it. (yes, it was right where I said it was)
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