The Husband’s Guide to Life in 5 Easy Steps
My husband is really an awesome, incredibly intelligent man. Most of the time I find him fascinating, hilarious, and tons of fun. But when it comes to other things ... sometimes I just don't get what the man is thinking.
Like losing things. He loses things all the time (though he will claim otherwise), and once they are lost, he is seemingly incapable of that whole "retracing his steps" trick that helps women.
"I will find it when I am not looking," he tells me. Then he promptly forgets it's even lost. Nine times out of 10, I end up looking and finding it. Smart man, eh? Oh yeah. These dudes. They play all clueless but they are actually pretty smart. Here I am, jumping through all these hoops, finding HIS lost Boston Red Sox hat while he sits back and waits for it to be found. Pure genius. Here are a few other husband tricks I have uncovered over the years:
1.) Husband's Guide to Making Dinner:
• Step 1: Consider calling take-out. Opt to cook instead.
• Step 2: If take-out is closed, find a box of rice.
• Step 3: Set oven on high since everything can be cooked on high, right?
• Step 4: Burn rice.
• Step 5: Call take-out.
2.) Husband's Guide to Laundry:
• Step 1: Take all the clothing in the baskets and stuff it into laundry machine.
• Step 2: Keep stuffing. The harder packed, the better.
• Step 3: Throw in some powdered detergent, put it on cold, and walk away.
• Step 4: Forget all about it. Remember three days later when you run out of underwear.
• Step 5: Throw in dryer and forget mildew stains and packed detergent that was too stuffed to dissolve. Wonder why your clothing does not smell any better.
3.) Husband's Guide to Losing Things:
• Step 1: Announce it's gone. Hope your wife looks.
• Step 2: Look in one place. Declare it a lost cause.
• Step 3: Forget all about it.
• Step 4: "I hope the cleaning people find it on Wednesday."
• Step 5: Wife gets fed up. Finds it in second place she looks (behind couch) after 3 minutes.
4.) Husband's Guide to Finding Food:
• Step 1: Open fridge.
• Step 2: Look for 0.3 seconds.
• Step 3: "Honey, do we have sour cream?"
• Step 4: Still don't find sour cream.
• Step 5: "Honey, what shelf is it on?"
5.) Husband's Guide to Making the Bed:
• Step 1: Develop a philosophy declaring making beds pointless.
• Step 2: Announce this to everyone you meet, include things like, "You are just going to get back into it!"
• Step 3: Hold fast to this philosophy even in the face of ever mounting wifely pressure to do otherwise.
• Step 4: Halfheartedly pull the covers up and say: "There honey! Bed's made! OK?"
• Step 5: Never have to make the bed again.
Does your spouse do any of these things?