Is It Okay to Check Your Partner's Phone & Emails to Make Sure He's Not Cheating On You?

Say What!? 53

cat checking emailCheating used to be so cloak and dagger. I mean, you'd have to go hunting for receipts or check bank statements to see if your significant other was stepping out on you. Now, though, thanks to the influx of social media sites and smartphones, you barely have to turn around to see what your partner's been up to.

So should you? Should you check in to make sure your partner is being faithful?

My vote is no.

With the availability of information at our fingertips, it can be tempting to see what our partner is doing in his or her off-time. He could be chatting with an ex, or chatting up someone he met on Facebook. He could be exchanging naughty pictures! You just don't know.

Until you do. And when you do know, you can't unknow that sort of thing.

I'm not suggesting that we turn a blind eye to our partners, pretending that the possibility of infidelity doesn't exist. Far from it. I'm merely suggesting that there are other, better ways to determine whether your partner is being faithful.

Namely, by asking him or her. Based upon his or her reaction, you should be able to tell one way or another if something is up.

I'd rather be accused of being "crazy" than accused of invading my partner's privacy. I think even now, in the age of the Internet, people deserve their privacy. If he's talking about me to another woman? Maybe he needs to vent to a female ear. If he's talking about a hot chick to a buddy via Facebook? He's being human.

And frankly, I don't need to know about it. Planting seeds of doubt is hard to turn back from.

If, by all means, your partner acts cagey when questioned about cheating, ask for proof. But ask for it -- don't go seeking it out. Because what you might find could be the answer ... but more likely, you'll just find out that your partner is human.

And if he should catch you snooping through his or her private emails, calls, texts, and Facebook messages? Well, that's a hard one to get over.

I say let sleeping emails sleep and do your communicating with your partner, not with a computer.

What about you? Do you check your partner's email or Facebook?


Image via NathaniaJohnson/Flickr

cheating, commitment, exes


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miche... micheledo

We don't snoop. But then we also don't kee pthings hidden. It's just how we are. My husband even tells me when he is clearing the history on the computer. "Um, ok." Sometimes he checks my messages for me and sometimes I use 'his' e mail account. We can look anytime and I don't think either of us does. But just in case, if there are special e-mails at Christmas or birthday time, we make a point of saying, 'don't use my e-mail!!'

LadyM... LadyMinni

If you don't trust a person, do not be with that person. End of story. My man and I would never snoop through each other's phones or email. He has no facebook and he doesn't care about mine. We're so straight with each other that if he ever cheated on me, I'm pretty sure he'd come tell me. And if I ever cheated on him, the guilt would eat me alive until I told him. But neither of us will cheat. Trust is a wonderful thing <3

mommy... mommyof5cutties

Recovering from a bump in our marriage we are both open to looking. I know he's checked mine many times without telling me and I've only looked once in a whole year... only recently that is.

Valerie Metzger

Call me crazy but, my husband and I know all eachothers passwords, and we don't care or feel weird about it. I don't check up on him, and I'm positive he doesn't check up on me either. It's more of a "hey, while you're on the computer/have my phone in your purse can you see if so and so texted/emailed/facebooked me back?"  We just don't really care. I think we both know that we are not the type of people to cheat anyway. If he ever gets THAT unhappy in our marriage, he will leave me long before he ever cheats.

nonmember avatar Marie

I had to deal with this with my stepdaughter not too long ago and explain to her that ALL relationships are built on trust, and if you don't trust your partner, why stay? Why put yourself through the panic and pain and doubt. I vote NO, if you are really THAT curious seriously ask, 9 times out of 10 if there is nothing there to hide they are more than willing to share that information with you. BUT remember when you ask you are telling them there is no trust!

elder... elderlywoman

If you ever feel like you have the need to snoop, then you should. Trust is a very important thing - and so is intuition. I would make those passwords and accounts readily available to my husband if he requested them and would expect him to do the same. I wouldn't snoop if I felt I had no reason to. If I did feel like something was up - I would snoop. I snooped on my ex because I felt he was being distrustful -- my hunch was right. Found texts, pics, FB snooping and nipping that relationship in the bud, I saved myself from an even nastier situation with him. I'm not a distrustful person (or at least I wasn't before him - time will tell, now). If you have the relationship with your husband that "all things are open" and there's no reason not to trust, them - good for you. Trust in your partner doesn't only mean that you don't need their password because you know they're not up to no good but could also be perceived as giving each other full access to your cyber-world with no fear of judgment or criticism from them.

Coles... Coles_mom

I'm somewhat in this situation. I've never been a snooper. Not once have a had a desire to. Lately, my intuition has been telling me something is very wrong, but it's all so "smoke-and-mirrors", so I can't put a finger on it. My husband has changed all of his passwords, including putting a code lock on his iPhone. I happened to be paying attention one day when he typed it in and I caught the code. I still haven't used it though and probably won't. The author is exactly can't unknow things. I keep feeling like my entire world is set to crumble, but as long as I don't know, maybe I can hold on a bit longer.

kissa... kissandtell

I agree with elderlywoman. Is snooping a bad thing to do in a relationship? Yes, but sometimes what you find is so much worse.

Nycti... Nyctimene

I don't believe in snooping and if you get to the point in which you feel the need to snoop then I think the relationship is already over -- regardless of what you find -- because the trust (which is so integral to enjoying a relationship) is clearly gone. 

elder... elderlywoman

Nyctimene -- is that true, though, really? The "if you get to the point in which you feel the need to snoop, the relationship is over?"...are things ever that black and white? I'm not attacking - but imagine this scenario -- you have a hunch and you start snooping - checking up on messages, emails of your significant other and find...nothing. At that point - it might be a great turning point for you to look inside yourself and see what is going on that would make you think that...self-esteem? Non-communication? Feeling overwhelmed? You get my drift....the snooping is not good - but that mistrust is coming from somewhere - whether you are manifesting it or he is -- and the need to "snoop" might be a big indicator that your relationship (or you) needs some help to grow stronger - not that it's over. I'm just playing devil's advocate, BTW. :)

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