Is It Okay to Check Your Partner's Phone & Emails to Make Sure He's Not Cheating On You?

Say What!? 53

cat checking emailCheating used to be so cloak and dagger. I mean, you'd have to go hunting for receipts or check bank statements to see if your significant other was stepping out on you. Now, though, thanks to the influx of social media sites and smartphones, you barely have to turn around to see what your partner's been up to.

So should you? Should you check in to make sure your partner is being faithful?

My vote is no.

With the availability of information at our fingertips, it can be tempting to see what our partner is doing in his or her off-time. He could be chatting with an ex, or chatting up someone he met on Facebook. He could be exchanging naughty pictures! You just don't know.

Until you do. And when you do know, you can't unknow that sort of thing.

I'm not suggesting that we turn a blind eye to our partners, pretending that the possibility of infidelity doesn't exist. Far from it. I'm merely suggesting that there are other, better ways to determine whether your partner is being faithful.

Namely, by asking him or her. Based upon his or her reaction, you should be able to tell one way or another if something is up.

I'd rather be accused of being "crazy" than accused of invading my partner's privacy. I think even now, in the age of the Internet, people deserve their privacy. If he's talking about me to another woman? Maybe he needs to vent to a female ear. If he's talking about a hot chick to a buddy via Facebook? He's being human.

And frankly, I don't need to know about it. Planting seeds of doubt is hard to turn back from.

If, by all means, your partner acts cagey when questioned about cheating, ask for proof. But ask for it -- don't go seeking it out. Because what you might find could be the answer ... but more likely, you'll just find out that your partner is human.

And if he should catch you snooping through his or her private emails, calls, texts, and Facebook messages? Well, that's a hard one to get over.

I say let sleeping emails sleep and do your communicating with your partner, not with a computer.

What about you? Do you check your partner's email or Facebook?


Image via NathaniaJohnson/Flickr

cheating, commitment, exes


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nonmember avatar k

Ladies, no matter what he or anyone else says or does, ALWAYS ALWAYS trust yourself and your intuition first and foremost. You have it for a reason, go with your gut.

nonmember avatar NoWay

My husband and I have no secrets. We have open access to everything ... phones, emails, facebook, etc. I have no reason to suspect he is cheating and vice versa.

Manda... MandaJo111

I have all of my husband's log in info and he has mine.  We have the capability of checking up on each other, but we don't really do that.  I go into his accounts occaisonally or he into mine because we have asked the other one to do something or check for an email or something similar, but neither of us actively looks for anything in their or on our phones either.  We trust each other completely.  A relationship has to be built on trust, but I have no issues if he felt the need to check up on me, I have nothing to hide.  

nonmember avatar hello

My feelings are this: you are married... two become one. I have every right to check his accounts and he has every right to check mine. No secrets. Trust is major, but when your intitition says something isn't quite right, check on it. (My husband was emotionally abused, stole from by his family, and grew up in "keep the family secrets" way which is not easy to break from...not all snooping is on cheating.) @Cole's mom: First off, talk to him but if he's being shady and if he has an iPhone and you have a iPad, try syncing them so you can see his calls and messages.

starl... starlighthippie

I never did. Until he DID cheat on me. Now I do.

nonmember avatar LT

I did it! and only because he wouldn't stop talking about these 2 woman. I thought everything was fine. We were recently engaged, he gets a new job and BAM. All I hear is about this or that person, I ask whats going on and he gets all defensive (RED FLAG) I check his phone and find texts, he admits to it and the next day his phone is locked. Well didn't take long to figure out the code and go figure there was fb messages, emails, pictures BLEH that was the end of that. I thought I could trust him. Thank God I went with my gut feeling or else I would be looking stupid.

DebaLa DebaLa

Go with your gut, as others said: it's there for a reason. I don't know why people have a problem with this. If spouses gave each other the same transparency and committment to a code of conduct that they give to their employers, there would be more trust, respect and intimacy.

nonmember avatar dug

Sadly, yes. I read through my wife's phone, as I had a "feeling". Sure enough, I read the words I expected, but was dreading: "BOS night in the works, Friday I will seduce you"

I'm glad I finally knew the truth. It caused major damage to our relationship, but on a personal level, it made me realize I wasn't a jealous fool over nothing.

nonmember avatar Confused21

I snooped in my boyfriend of 2.5 years bc he started hiding it from me, sleeping with it under his pillow and not letting it out if his sight even though he has a passcode. I found out his passcode and and snooped. What I found was he had been texting and going out on dates with other women. I travel for my job so I see him for a week about every 2 weeks. I confronted him he said he never cheated and that they were friends. He denied having a girlfriend in the texts to them. Needless to say i broke up with him. I csn not be in a relationship with someone who is a liar and a cheat ( even if not sexually, a date is cheating if you have a bf/gf in my book.) He now he wants to get me back and wants to earn my trust. I've thought about this. I do love him he says he loves me with all his being. So, I went to his house and we've been getting along just fine. Well, I asked to see his phone and he flipped out. Telling me I had no reason to continue looking at it. I said well, you must have more to hide from me. He said no and he opened it and scrolled through the texts but didn't open any and refused to let me touch it. He's hiding something I can feel it. I don't understand if this were me, I'd give him passwords to everything, my phone all if it if that's what it would take to earn his trust. Especially if I was the one who messed up and loved him and wanted him back.

Should I even bother with going down this road again?? Should I just be done?!?

nonmember avatar serrina

I snooped and looked into my boyfriends laptop when i realized he didnt log out,i thought that he might be chatting with some girls and the ex,i found out that he did inbox her in April,but he did't express his feelings or anything.Later in the evening he came to my house and i asked him,he lied and denied it,he said that they last chat in November/December,whereby,we were still dating each other,i called him liar and i confessed that i saw it on fb,guess what???he overreacted and turned tables,he got mad and said that he wasnt sure it was in April that they chatted last,he threatened to leave me for snooping on his inbox messages and said that i dont trust him,we argued and i told him without even thinking,that he should go back to her,i said that out of anger,he got mad and said we're done.I busted into tears and begged him not to leave me.After a while he cooled down and we talked about it,but he warned that if i snoop or if i suspect him again,he will break up with me for good,i felt bad,as if am having the last chance,what if i screw up and i love him much?Am so confused and caught up in love

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