Is It Okay to Check Your Partner's Phone & Emails to Make Sure He's Not Cheating On You?

Say What!? 53

cat checking emailCheating used to be so cloak and dagger. I mean, you'd have to go hunting for receipts or check bank statements to see if your significant other was stepping out on you. Now, though, thanks to the influx of social media sites and smartphones, you barely have to turn around to see what your partner's been up to.

So should you? Should you check in to make sure your partner is being faithful?

My vote is no.

With the availability of information at our fingertips, it can be tempting to see what our partner is doing in his or her off-time. He could be chatting with an ex, or chatting up someone he met on Facebook. He could be exchanging naughty pictures! You just don't know.

Until you do. And when you do know, you can't unknow that sort of thing.

I'm not suggesting that we turn a blind eye to our partners, pretending that the possibility of infidelity doesn't exist. Far from it. I'm merely suggesting that there are other, better ways to determine whether your partner is being faithful.

Namely, by asking him or her. Based upon his or her reaction, you should be able to tell one way or another if something is up.

I'd rather be accused of being "crazy" than accused of invading my partner's privacy. I think even now, in the age of the Internet, people deserve their privacy. If he's talking about me to another woman? Maybe he needs to vent to a female ear. If he's talking about a hot chick to a buddy via Facebook? He's being human.

And frankly, I don't need to know about it. Planting seeds of doubt is hard to turn back from.

If, by all means, your partner acts cagey when questioned about cheating, ask for proof. But ask for it -- don't go seeking it out. Because what you might find could be the answer ... but more likely, you'll just find out that your partner is human.

And if he should catch you snooping through his or her private emails, calls, texts, and Facebook messages? Well, that's a hard one to get over.

I say let sleeping emails sleep and do your communicating with your partner, not with a computer.

What about you? Do you check your partner's email or Facebook?


Image via NathaniaJohnson/Flickr

cheating, commitment, exes


To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

Blues... Blueshark77

He leaves his facebook logged on and I know his email password, but I've never checked to see what's going on. If he was up to something I wouldn't have such easy access. A lot of the time when he gets a text message he asks me to read it to him if he's driving or otherwise occupied. My phone doesn't have a lock on it so he could easily see my texts, calls, emails, etc. He's never given me a reason to doubt him and I don't have any sneaking suspicions. 

I feel bad for the ladies who have been cheated on. It would make trusting someone again very hard. I have to say though I've known more ladies who cheat than men. I have about equal numbers of male and female friends, and it just seems like the females would be harder to trust.

nonmember avatar K

My boyfriend and I have never had the need to snoop.
I don't have any secrets from him, and if he does from me I don't know- nor do I care. Anything that would be detrimental to our relationship is brought up right away.
I have my passwords saved on his computer. I don't know any of his, but I don't worry/have any reason to. If someone feels the need to snoop without telling their s/o what they're doing, then they may want to reconsider their relationship. There's a difference between going through someones things without their knowledge and checking things with their permission.

DieMy... DieMyDarling

Amen. So sick of hearing sob stories from friends who do this. If you go looking for something you will find it! And it's often not what u think!

mamal... mamalusbear

My husband and I don't hide anything from each other....we share email accounts and facebook pages.  We have nothing to hide.

Dduck... Dduck12345

I did-found out about his girlfriend -now he is my ex.

Mommi... MommietoJB

Its fine to think that you live in a perfect world. But sometimes you have to snoop to find out the truth. Not every man is so forthcoming with his philandering. I had 100 percent trust with my husband and I never once saw a red flag, until the day he told me he was leaving me for someone else.

Eleanor Watkins

well i have my husbands' passwords n he has mine. i dont feel its snooping if he knows i do it and vice versa. so therefore i see no problem with " snooping".

Shrew2u Shrew2u

@Coles_mom, behavior changes like that (changing passwords and especially locking the phone) need to be addressed.  Not by snooping, by having a frank conversation about his behavior.  I understand why you wouldn't want to bring it up, but that feeling you have in your gut is meaningful.  You could probably point out a few other behaviors that concern you, if you sat down and thought about it.

As for the article, I'm in no position to answer.  My husband has me write work/private emails, fiddle with his iPhone, get on his Facebook and post things, log into his financial accounts and made transactions, etc.  I sent him a spreadsheet with every email/financial account I have with usernames and passwords (in case I die and he needs quick access), and he can check my email through my unlocked iPad when I'm not home. There are no secrets in our house.

emalnar emalnar

My husband and I have never had anything to hide. Until this year. And it wasn't so much about hiding anything. A guy at work started chatting me up and eventually got my cell phone number and then eventually sent me a picture of his naked butt. I deleted it, and stopped communicating with him, since that was a line I was not going to cross. But even deleting it, it somehow stayed on my email somewhere. Well aparently my husband did look through my emails and found it.! Talk about an unpleasant bump in the road. Well we worked through it and I finally got him to believe me that nothing was happening. I started telling him everything I did and everyone I texted. Then, about 6 months later I got a weird suspicion to check his phone. And he had signed up for a cheating website! Well I confronted him immediately. He told me it was just curiousity because he had been feeling neglected lately (a 2 yr old and I'm preggers, I was tired alot). But just opening up and talking about the dumb things that happened this year with emails, made our relationship open up way more and now we are in the best place we have been since we first got married. Being open is very important, but I don't see the harm in checking their phones or emails every once in a while if you feel there is a need.

nonmember avatar jane

After my husband and I married, I made a vow not to check. I wish I had. After having our first baby, he started cheating with a friends wife. It went on for over a year and just recently ended after her husband caught them. I wish now I had been snooping, because I think I might have been more willing to let him stay if it had only gone on a short time, or never progressed from texting flirting to sex, but it was almost a year and a half, and a lot of sex, lying, deceiving. I can't forgive that depth of betrayal. It's probably for the best for me now anyway, he's obviously a jerk, but I wish I had known sooner.

21-30 of 53 comments First 12345 Last