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My Fiance & I Are Keeping Our Other Relationships a Secret

by Maressa Brown on December 21, 2012 at 5:09 PM

man and woman talkingOne of the biggest no-nos when you're dating someone new is dwelling on the past. That can mean asking too many questions about your new flame's previous relationships or talking at too much length (or at all) about your own. But if you're lucky, and you start building a relationship with that someone, there's bound to come a point at which you share more information about your romantic histories. Maybe even some of the most nitty-gritty details and darkest, deepest emotions come to the surface until there's no page unturned.

But while some couples know everything there is to know about one another's entire love life timeline, that's not the case for my fiance and me. And I prefer it that way.

That's right. Despite being together for six years, we never sat down and talked about ghosts of boyfriends/girlfriends past. I've mentioned exes briefly, in passing, in reference to this or that, and reported that back in college, I coincidentally seriously dated someone my fiance grew up with. He's hinted at hookups that happened on vacations. But nitty-gritty details? Deepest, darkest emotions? Nope. No thanks. No interest. I'll pass.

There's bound to be more anxiety and self-consciousness surrounding your S.O.'s past earlier on in your relationship, and that's definitely true for me. Back around the time we had only been together for several months, a year, even two, I definitely did NOT want to know. But as time has went on, I got more confident about our relationship and, as a result, a bit bolder, feeling like whatever happened before me was so long ago. And after all, I was the one he'd been with for six years. I was the only one his family ever mentioned -- or had ever met for that matter. So I thought, Hmm, what's the harm?

But then ... what's the point? Isn't the whole idea of beginning a new relationship that you're moving forward together? You're in love and grateful to be with someone who's a better fit than all the rest? What's the benefit in bringing up anything that came before that?

Granted, now that my boyfriend has become my fiance, I know I could swallow talk of the past better than in those earlier, more insecure days. But at the same time, it's because we're getting married that there's no reason to dig up the past. So, whether I've got more emotional strength for it now or not, I still don't want to know. No, scratch that, I don't need to.

How much do you know about your S.O.'s past? Are you satisfied knowing what you do (or don't)?


Filed Under: love, dating, commitment

Comments

10
  • tuffy...
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    tuffymama

    December 21, 2012 at 5:21 PM
    DH and I know ENOUGH, and that's good for our relationship.
  • Terri...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Terri Rose

    December 21, 2012 at 5:44 PM

    As long as you're not avoiding delving into the past because you're in denial or you don't want to lose the fantasy of who you perceive your partner to be, I think it's fine to make a conscious decision not to discuss past relationships. I'm single and have been for four years but if I were to enter into a relationship with someone, I would not discuss the past because any conversation about past boyfriends would be boring to me. As long as a partner is treating me right and happy, I see no reason to ask him about his past either.


  • Samantha
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Samantha

    December 21, 2012 at 6:09 PM
    Im one of those people who isnt ashamed of any of my past, good or bad, because it made me the person i am today. Im a single mother of an amazing 2 yr old little girl, i work hard, im responsible, wise for my age, and fairly mature. I dont party often, i dont do drugs, and i do my best to do everything the right way. Because i made so many mistakes in the past, ive learned how to be the adult i am today. I share everything with my partner, and one day i shared too much. It was about past sexual partners. Well apparently my guy didnt like it & decided i was suddenly not the person i was a the day before, minutes before i shared. I was angry & offended by his reaction, and i regret bothering to be honest with him. It took him months to stop bringing it up, and even still it bothers him. Everything about my past does. Not just my sexual partners. The partying. The drinking. The drugs. The fights. My choices in friends & boyfriends. My niave views on love. I was a stupid teenager, no shit, of course i made
  • Samantha
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Samantha

    December 21, 2012 at 6:14 PM
    Mistakes. Bad relationship choices. Illegal activities. Tolerated much more from people. Fucking duh. I was a child. I didnt know my babys father (my friend & roomate) would rape me after a night of heavy drinking. I didnt know i would get my heart broken over and over again. I didnt know my bf at 17 would end up beating me even though he was sweet up until i moved in. I didnt know these things, but now i do. Because i made those mistakes. I learned those lessons. Im a BETTER person for those experiences. Not a worse one. I decided if we break up & i ever date another man, i wont tell him a damn thing about my past. Its none of their fucking business. If they love who you ARE then it doesnt matter who you WERE.
  • kjbug...
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    kjbugsmom1517

    December 21, 2012 at 8:27 PM
    We dont dwell on the past even now. Been married going on 8 years. Whats the point? It wouldnt do anything but cause friction and doubts. We talk in passing but we rarely get into details.
  • kathryn
    -- Nonmember comment from

    kathryn

    December 21, 2012 at 9:30 PM
    we had a don't ask don't tell policy cuz that seemed to be the popular theme.. don't bring the past into the present. Your past does define you and makes you who you are. Been married 8 years and in a drunken argument my husbands decides to tell me that his first marriage ended because he cheated. I don't know why after so long he decided to tell me and what I'm supposed to do with this information. It's been bugging me for weeks now. So maybe not all details of every past relationship should be brought up, but you should know why significant relationships ended? btw, i would consider my husband the most loyal family guy I know, this came as a HUGE shock to me. The thought of him cheating on me would have never ever otherwise crossed my mind, and now I can't not think about it.
  • sally
    -- Nonmember comment from

    sally

    December 22, 2012 at 12:42 AM
    We've talked briefly about past lovers only when brought up. My fiance was widowed only weeks after his first marriage and while that was years ago I know it will always hurt him to think of her so at times we talk about it. Other than that we have never even discussed our number of sexual partners. We don't feel its important or helpful to our relationship.
  • the4m...
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    the4mutts

    December 22, 2012 at 10:38 AM
    Hey, I won't say the author is wrong, even though I disagree for me personally, whateverfloats her boat. But I will say that I once married a "past is in the past" kind of guy. My xh, *who I an excellent father & man, just a shitty husband lol* used to just be vague, and not answer if I asked him things abou the military, his friends, whatever. Even little things that were just to start a conversation.
    Well, I've found that if someone can compartmentalize past & present, like they aren't linked at all, then they can also compartmentalize home & work. Playtime & hometime. Decide which they like best, and not feel a BIT of guilt for choosing work because the get attention from 20 women there. And no guilt for going out after work, with coworkers including a chick that gives you attention, and telling your wife that you're working late.
    Come to find out, through a mutual friend, he never had a relationship before me, because he was a habitual partier that liked making out with random girls at bars... for 5 years! If I would have known, no way I would have married a man that drank so much, or was such an attention whore.

    Men that keep secrets aren't for me. I understand not spilling everything on the first date, but keeping it a secret does not fly with me. Someone that won't disclose their past, won't make it t my future.
  • fleur...
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    fleurdelys3110

    December 22, 2012 at 12:40 PM
    I have no secrets to keep since I've only ever been with my current boyfriend
  • tuffy...
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    tuffymama

    December 22, 2012 at 7:06 PM
    Good for you, Samantha!
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