Ah, this is what I love about New York. You can get anything you want. Sushi at 3 a.m. A subway ride at any time of the day or night. A sex guru to come over to your place, watch you have sex, and give you pointers. Spittake! Yeah, ladies, there's a real life "sex guru" who makes his living instructing couples how to spice up their sex lives -- and he does it live and in the sack. Well, he's not in the sack with you (he refuses to go that far), but he's like rightthere. Watching. Observing. Being all, "Hey, move your finger a little to the left, wouldya? There ya go." If he can't get to you, he'll do it over Skype.
He's a real life Christian Grey because he claims he's a sex expert. He knows evvvvverything about what to do in the sack. And how'd he learn? Through a much older sex instructor, but of course.
Our real life Christian Gray, whose name is Eric Amaranth, has counseled hundreds of couples all over the world in the art of getting off. And business has been booming (and moaning and sighing) since the publication of Fifty Shades of Grey. Eric told UK's The Sun:
Women are wanting more than just a spanking now. But men aren’t sure they want to do those sort of things with the woman they love. They don’t know how to be kinky.
But Eric, thankfully, can teach them. He learned all of his tricks from sex guru Betty Dodson, starting when she was 69 and he was 22. And you give Demi Moore crap!
Believe it or not, Eric has a girlfriend, whom he met at work. No details are provided, but this made me wonder if he met her while counseling her sex sessions with her boyfriend. Since Eric also says he counsels single people, I'm hoping that's the way it went down (so to speak) because the other way is just too much like a bad romantic comedy.
Eric says the key to his sexual prowess is being able to do three or four things at the same time. He brags:
It’s all in the co-ordination. For a woman it’s like having a threesome or foursome with just one guy.
Yowsa! Well, considering how many guys are in desperate need of sex lessons, sex lessons probably aren't bad idea. (Yeah, yeah, I'm sure women need it too.) Some of Eric's tips:
Men should use deep voices. (I know, right? When they use a high-pitched girly voice in the bedroom, it's a total vaj shutter.)
Breasts are not footballs. (Sing it, brother!)
Don't use too much saliva when you kiss. (Ew.)
Adds Eric: "Women often feel short-changed. They either don’t get an orgasm or it isn’t as good as it could be. I teach both men and women how to get better."
Sounds good. I mean, if you can deal with a strange dude staring at you when you have sex. Wonder if he takes notes?
Would you use a sex counselor?
Image via Kainr/Flickr
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Going for walks outside