Help! My Husband Doesn't Like Sex and I Do!

Say What!? 35

Typically, men are seen as having a high libido, stopping at nothing to get some, and a lot of times, it's actually true. Many men I know are often ready to get down and dirty at a moment's notice.

But what happens when the tables turn? What happens when your husband or partner doesn't like sex ... and you do? How do you handle this crushing blow?

The first thing to remember, ladies, is that no one comes in a one-size-fits-all package, no matter how nifty it would be. Part of this is what makes us who we are. Having a low libido doesn't make you a freak, just like having a high sex drive doesn't. It's only a problem when both partners can't meet on the same (sexual) page, and I don't mean instances of a physical inability to be intimate.

But it's almost impossible to not feel a hit to the self-esteem when your husband doesn't want to have sex with you when you're raring to go. Once or twice -- that's a different ball game entirely. But when you're getting rejected more than you're getting action, it's time for some (other) type of action.

One of the first things you can do is to take a step back and think -- really think -- about whether or not this is a deal-breaker for you. For some of you, this sounds awfully petty, but sex is an important part of intimacy. Put that way, it sounds less petty, and it's important to consider if this is the way you can live for the rest of your life.

Then, you're going to have to have an open and frank talk with your partner about intimacy -- both in and out of the bedroom. No hostility allowed. Take that hurt ego and check it at the door. This talk will be a hard one, but important for both of you. Rather than accusing, "You never want to have sex with me," try, "I notice that we're not physically intimate. What's going on?"

The answer can be something as simple as a medication change (there are a large number of medications that can decrease sex drive) or spending more time connecting outside the bedroom!

But perhaps the answer is something more difficult to stomach -- maybe he's always had a low libido and that's part of who he is. Maybe he's experienced a trauma and is unable to be intimate without flashbacks. The reason can be anything.

The next step is to find a therapist who specializes in sexuality and see if that person can help you two reach a common ground sexually. If the first therapist you visit annoys one or both of you, find a new one. It's important to get this right!

Have you ever dealt with a partner who didn't enjoy sex? How did you handle it?


Image via bixentro/Flickr

sex, sex confession, sex drive


To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

Cel7777 Cel7777

From my experience, notable differences in libido are almost never resolved compromising, one person, whether that be the husband or wife, generally feels resentful. Just MHO.

fleur... fleurdelys3110

Agree with Cel. Luckily my boyfriend and I have very similar sex drives. I think we would probably go at it all day every day if we didn't have actual responsibilities haha!

PonyC... PonyChaser

I know a couple that divorced for this very reason. Deal with it early, people, just like you would any other problem in your marriage.

Flori... Floridamom96

I heard something once that said when your sex life is good its 20% of your marriage, but when it's bad, it's 80%.

Estel... EstellaHavisham

No one has brought up asexuality. Scientific research is still pretty new on this subject, but it's getting more press, which is a good thing for people who may be confusing their low libido with just not liking sex. I know people disagree, but take it for a test drive before you buy. Some things can't be "fixed."

Tracy Pendrey

Well for me it turned out after 24 years of marriage that he was gay! I thought it was due to the trauma of his childhood! So it may not be low libido or a trauma!! I would be looking and asking more questions.. I would have if I realised gay men often marry and have a family without disclosing to their spouse their true sexuality.

Ruth Kwitko Lym

I had the same experience as Tracy. I tried everything to interest my husband in sex. When we did have sex, it was more rote than intimate. I couldn't figure out what I was doing "wrong" since I love sex. Then finally after 35 years of marriage, he finally admitted to himself and to me, that he was gay. I was devastated!. He now has a steady male sex partner. And since dating straight men, I have found out what I was missing all those years. I will never get back all those years I lost. Face this issue early in your relationship! It may be something much more than a little difference in libido.

nonmember avatar Amy

I am surprised the author didn't mention sexual preference. My husband never wanted to have sex with me. We were married for almost 14 years when he finally admitted that he was gay and had a steady boyfriend who he now has lived with for over a year (we have been divorced for a year). I am sorry but it is generally NOT typical for a straight man to not enjoy sex. If you feel in your heart that something is wrong, it probably is. I should have left my ex years before I did because I knew in my heart what the issue was. Don't lose out on years of your life because it or you will come to regret it.

firedog firedog

While sex drive varies, I have yet to meet a straight man who didn't want to have sex at the drop of a hat. The complaints I have heard from straight men have never been that their wives/girlfriends wanted it too's always the other way around!

Looking into the possibility of this spouse being gay may not be a bad idea.

1-10 of 35 comments 1234 Last