Help! My Husband Doesn't Like Sex and I Do!

Say What!? 35

Typically, men are seen as having a high libido, stopping at nothing to get some, and a lot of times, it's actually true. Many men I know are often ready to get down and dirty at a moment's notice.

But what happens when the tables turn? What happens when your husband or partner doesn't like sex ... and you do? How do you handle this crushing blow?

The first thing to remember, ladies, is that no one comes in a one-size-fits-all package, no matter how nifty it would be. Part of this is what makes us who we are. Having a low libido doesn't make you a freak, just like having a high sex drive doesn't. It's only a problem when both partners can't meet on the same (sexual) page, and I don't mean instances of a physical inability to be intimate.

But it's almost impossible to not feel a hit to the self-esteem when your husband doesn't want to have sex with you when you're raring to go. Once or twice -- that's a different ball game entirely. But when you're getting rejected more than you're getting action, it's time for some (other) type of action.

One of the first things you can do is to take a step back and think -- really think -- about whether or not this is a deal-breaker for you. For some of you, this sounds awfully petty, but sex is an important part of intimacy. Put that way, it sounds less petty, and it's important to consider if this is the way you can live for the rest of your life.

Then, you're going to have to have an open and frank talk with your partner about intimacy -- both in and out of the bedroom. No hostility allowed. Take that hurt ego and check it at the door. This talk will be a hard one, but important for both of you. Rather than accusing, "You never want to have sex with me," try, "I notice that we're not physically intimate. What's going on?"

The answer can be something as simple as a medication change (there are a large number of medications that can decrease sex drive) or spending more time connecting outside the bedroom!

But perhaps the answer is something more difficult to stomach -- maybe he's always had a low libido and that's part of who he is. Maybe he's experienced a trauma and is unable to be intimate without flashbacks. The reason can be anything.

The next step is to find a therapist who specializes in sexuality and see if that person can help you two reach a common ground sexually. If the first therapist you visit annoys one or both of you, find a new one. It's important to get this right!

Have you ever dealt with a partner who didn't enjoy sex? How did you handle it?

 

Image via bixentro/Flickr

sex, sex confession, sex drive