We have all seen those clingy, hovering helicopter moms on the playground or at school drop-off. These are the moms who seem to spend every waking moment with their little ones. And every sleeping moment too, for that matter (i.e., sharing a "family bed"). There are so many of them these days, they've even coined a phrase to describe the phenomenon: attachment parenting. Well, looks as though that philosophy doesn't just apply to kids. There are plenty of clingy, hovering, ever-present spouses too. Welcome to the world of attachment marriages.
You've certainly spotted these pairs among your friends or neighbors. It's like they can't stand to be away from each other. Some people adoringly call them "inseparable", while those of us on the other end of the spectrum (the lovers of alone time) call it "annoying and needy." Well, there are some who believe that those married folks who subscribe to this never-ending couple time are more likely to stay married.
According to a study from Purdue University, people in attachment marriages express more marital satisfaction. These pairings were labeled "secure-secure" attachment combinations. The "avoidant-avoidant" marriages were far less likely to live happily ever after because both sides' attachment needs were not being met. I am sure these guys are incredibly smart, but I am gonna call b*llsh*t on their so-called scientific findings.
That kind of relationship does not work for everyone. In fact, for some of us, that kind of bond would more likely kill a marriage. I have always relished moments of solitude, and by that I mean having time away from everything and everyone. That is not to say I don't love hanging out with my spouse -- I do. He is one of my best friends. We have a lot of fun together. I love being around him, just not all the time. So when we tied the knot, I was clear that there were times that I may want to go on a yoga retreat or a girls' weekend without him. Admittedly, this was a bit odd to him at first. He had grown up in a house where this whole attachment marriage notion was the norm.
I was astounded when I first met his parents. They couldn't stand to be away from each other. They had to sit next to one another in the car or at dinner. It would take a family emergency for one of them to travel without the other. In their union, there was no such thing as his and hers. They were one -- in every way. To me, that was bizarre. But they had the strongest and most loving marriage I had ever seen. Still, that just wouldn't work for me. I couldn't bear having someone hovering around me all the time. The fact that my husband respects my need for me time helps make our marriage work. And it goes both ways. I am not one of those wives who whines when he wants to go golfing or hang out with his friends. Besides, it's good to miss your spouse once in awhile.
Do you think attachment marriages are stronger?
Image via kevin dooley/Flickr
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Comments 24
um, you clearly have no understanding of attachment styles or what attachment parents/marriages even means. helicopter parents are not attachment parents, in fact, they are most likely the opposite. attachment parenting promotes independence of both the child and the parents, not the other way around. couples who are constantly together and can't go anywhere separately do not demonstrate what this study calls the "secure-secure" relationship. in fact, this kind of behavior would suggest that one or both of the spouses attachment needs are actually NOT being met. do a little research before you write an article like this next time. or maybe read one of Harlow's studies about what the different attachment styles actually are.
i'm sure for some they work and for other's they don't. Hubby and I would not be one of those couples where an attachment marriage would work for us. We love each other to death, and we love to do things with each other, but we also value our independence and freedom at times too. If we spent every waking moment together we would probably drive each other bat shit crazy in a few years. I think the reason that our marriage thrives is because we each do things on our own and always therefore have some new adventure and experience and perspective to share with the other. To each their own though.
I am, for the first time, in an attachment relationship. Been with my current s/o just over 4 years, and this is the first time we've experienced this kind of relationship. He lost his job in september, won't be going back till january *layoffs*. So we had to readjust our lifestyle. I was used to being alone for 10-12 hours a day.
Since we've had this time, we have mutually agreed that we are stronger than ever, and there will be no more regular overtime at work, no more solo weekend fishing trips, nothing is going to interfere with US now. Sure, there will be guys' night out, and my girl time. Of course we aren't up eachothers asses 100% of the time. But we have learned how to prioritize, be better partners, share more, and we won't give it up for extra money, or extended family, for anything.
meh, whatever works for others. i hate labels and trying to pigeonhole my relationships (be it spouse, children, whatever) so i don't care for the terms. but i'll say i definitely am more on the 'attachment end of the spectrum' and hubby and i couldn't be happier. but not because we're attached - because we love each other dearly and are determined to make our marriage a happy and loving one.