11 Signs He Desperately Needs Sex Lessons

Eye Roll 24

One of the funniest -- and saddest -- break-up stories I ever heard was the friend who broke up with her boyfriend because he couldn't find her clitoris. I mean, it was there. But no matter how much my friend "guided" him to its whereabouts, he'd just as quickly "forget" where it was. Finally, my friend said she drew him a map. An actual map. Because guys like maps. But alas, this guy was not only bad at finding the clitoris, he was bad at reading maps. My friend ended up dumping him. She felt a little guilty, but she honestly couldn't wrap her head around a guy who claimed to care about her pleasure in bed, but couldn't seem to figure out the female anatomy -- and perhaps had no real desire to.

I'm not saying everyone should be perfect in the sack -- especially when a partner just getting to know what your likes. But then there's just being selfish, or stubbornly clueless, or just plain bad. Here are 11 signs he needs to redo Sex 101.

It's all about him. Sex is over in three minutes, he's satisfied, and then he looks at you like, "That was amazing!" while you're all, "Hello? What just happened? I'm still here!"

Ooooh vs. Owwww. He doesn't know the difference between an Oooohhh that means Keep Going and an Oooohhh that means Stop, that hurts!

He thinks your nipples are dials. And he must twist them. Perhaps he thinks he's tuning you to the right channel.

He thinks your nipples don't exist and ignores them completely.

He thinks that old high school term about "eating out" a girl is a literal term and proceeds to go at you like he's gnawing on a stick of gum.

He seems to have missed his calling as a sports announcer and has to give the play-by-play of everything he does. And now I'm kissing your neck! And now I'm sucking your toes! This is even more annoying if he actually IS a sports announcer.

He won't shut up and keeps asking you questions and grilling you through the entire thing. Do you like this, huh, huh, do ya? Well, do ya?!

He immediately flops over and goes to sleep the second he's done, without so much as a half-hearted snuggle or a peck on the cheek or even a pat on the head.

Foreplay is non-existent. He thinks the term has something to do with golf.

You need to see a chiropracter after sex because he bang bang bangs on you like a human hammer, leaving your neck and back in knots.

He has zero interest in asking what pleases you, and if you decide to tell him, he has zero interest in complying.

What other things does a guy do in bed that you wish he wouldn't?

 

 

love, turn-offs, sex