As I've been in the middle of my own divorce, having moved out of the family home and into an apartment, I've been open about what I'm going through. Divorce is tricky, and if one person can read the words I write and feel less alone, than it's worth it.
The one thing I've been asked over and over again is this: "how did you know it was time to get a divorce?" It's a simple-sounding question, but the answers are far from simple and they are absolutely not one-size-fits-all.
So I've come up with a list of signs that it may be time to start considering the "D" word.
1) Forget the same page; you're not even on the same book. Most couples go through spells when they're disconnected and can't see eye to eye - it happens and it's nothing to worry about. But when you realize that's become the norm rather than the exception, it may be time to think about other options.
2) You compare your marriage to "the devil you know versus the devil you don't." Once you realize you're sticking it out because it's more comfortable than the alternative, your relationship is in serious danger.
3) You have lost any respect for the other person. Doesn't matter why or how it happened, but you realize that neither one of you respects the other anymore.
4) You begin to fantasize about how much you'd rather be alone - and it doesn't scare you to bits. In fact, the notion of being on your own is somewhat of a relief.
5) You realize that you're being treated in a manner that you do not deserve. Could be disrespect. Could be emotional abuse. Could be passive-aggressive behavior. But you know deep down that you deserve better.
6) All of those traits you once found endearing about your partner now make your teeth grind and your jaw clench.
7) You realize that your partner no longer fulfills any of your needs - emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual.
8) You've tried a separation to see if that changes matters and it doesn't. You find yourself more frustrated by the situation and your partner than ever.
9) You realize you're only staying together for the kids. Kids know when their parents are miserable, and while divorce is traumatizing, it's important for kids to understand that both Mom AND Dad deserve to be happy.
10) You've seen a marriage counselor to work through your issues and it didn't help. You still cannot see eye to eye, no matter how hard you try.
What are some other signs that it's time for a divorce?
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Comments 25
i agree with tuffy thats the only 2 reasons i would EVER leave if i was getting beat on or cheated on
I was not being abused. Neither was he. Neither of us cheated. And yet, we're still divorcing. Does that mean we treated our marriage in a cavalier manner? I don't know, we were together for 25 years, 19 of that as man and wife. We'd been through hell and back - a wreck that nearly killed him. After that long, sometimes things in life change a person, and you are no longer married to the same man or woman. We should stay together just because some tradition says that we should?
We are both miserable as husband and wife. Both of us were depressed, medicated, and plodding mechanically through life just waiting for the end. When we finally faced it, that we should divorce? Suddenly we are both optimistic. We are forging a new relationship between us. We have faced the fact that our marriage came to an end, and we are looking forward to the future as friends and parental partners to our son.
Life is too short to say, "we're married and that's it." If you've tried everything, and it's still not working, perhaps it IS time for it to end. Or, in our case, to try something new.
Tuffymama, I admire your dedication to marriage. That being said, I wonder about what you wrote regarding your second marriage--"I lost my house, my savings and my business because of him"---maybe if you had ended the marriage sooner, you wouldn't have had to essentially lose everything? Obviously I don't know what your situation was at the time, but in my case I have 2 young children, and if my husband were doing things that could devaste us financially and possibly cause my childen to be without a home or basic necessities, I would leave. Even if he weren't abusing me or cheating. I think that interpersonal relationships--especially marriages--are extremely complicated, and can't be put into strict black and white categeories of when it's OK to divorce and when it's not.
Ponychaser, I agree with everything you said. Particularly when you posed the question " We should stay together just because some tradition says that we should?". There seems to be extreme mind-sets on both sides of the divorce topic---those that indeed do take marriage entirely too lightly, and those who choose to remain in an unloving, unfulfilling union just because they don't want to get divorced. IMHO, neither of these mind-sets is healthy or reasonable.