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Having a Secretly Gay Fiance Made Me a Better Person

by Kiri Blakeley on November 19, 2012 at 4:51 PM

It was about five years ago that I found out the man I had been living with for 10 years was gay. And I don't mean he was my roommate and I had inexplicably not noticed his gentle touch with household ferns or his uncanny ability to pick out a cute outfit for me. I keed, I keed. I know all gay men aren't fashionable green thumbs. Not all of them know the difference between hummus and Baba ghanoush or can make a mean quiche. No, I mean this was the man I was supposed to marry. We were engaged and had just started to make some wedding plans when he dropped the gay bomb on me. 

There is simply no underestimating the devastation of finding out the man you'd spent most of your adulthood with was gay and had been seeing men on the side for quite awhile. But ... I'm glad it happened. Here's why.

Before I found out about my fiancé, I had some pretty solid ideas about relationships. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and watched my mother make a lot of bad choices in men. That's the key word: Choices. I figured this whole man-woman thing was simple enough. You just had to choose the right person.

It was the same with my friends: When they complained about their boyfriends or husbands, I was usually ready with some kind of pithy response like, "Well, didn't you know this about him?" Didn't matter if he was an alcoholic, overspent, cheated, or (a real example) turned out to be in the Mafia. I'd be all, Ohhhh, didn't you know? Yeah, I was judgmental. It was inconceivable to me that you wouldn't be able to tell, pretty much right off the bat, what kind of man you were getting involved with. It didn't occur to me that people change -- or that people can be pretty damn good at hiding things.

So when this happened to me, a lightbulb flashed on. Ohhhh, you mean bad things can happen to smart people? You mean people don't necessarily walk around with signs saying, "I'll cheat on you" or "My social drinking is going to become a real problem down the line" or "Maybe I'm great with the dog, but I'm going to be a lousy dad"? Now I was the one getting the ol' Ohhhhh, didn't you know? eyebrow raise. Karma is a bitch.

Now when I see judgmental comments online, or I hear them in real life, I just laugh. You wait, I think. In fact, I think most of the time when women are being judgmental about other women's relationships, they just haven't found out something about their husbands yet. If you haven't, and never do, then you should still be nice to those not as lucky as yourself -- because you didn't necessarily choose correctly. Luck played a role too.

My gay fiancé made me a better person. A better friend. A better listener. In short, he wisened me up. I'm not saying everyone will be betrayed in a relationship -- but at some point, almost everyone finds themselves looking at their significant other and thinking, Who are you? How did I get here?

That said, at first, you're a victim. Then you're a volunteer. Being non-judgmental doesn't mean I'm not going to tell you that you're being delusional if you are. But I'll do it nicely.

Has a breakup ever made you a better person?


Image via Vinni23/Flickr

Filed Under: breakups, divorce, cheating, sexuality


  • tuffy...


    November 19, 2012 at 4:56 PM
    I hope to hell it made you a better person, becuse there is more room for improvement than normal, IMO. Unless the person you show yourself to be on The Stir is a made-up character. Seriously. You shit all over suicide and depression. You make light of the heaviest situations in a completely unfunny way. I'm glad this happened to you. You deserve it. Take the pain and the shock and wear it all while you take a good, long, HARD look in the mirror. Don't keep being a jerk.
  • Cass
    -- Nonmember comment from


    November 19, 2012 at 5:04 PM
    Ouch, tuffymama. Nobody deserves discovering that someone they thought was the love of their life was cheating on them with people of the same sex. Besides, I've seen you make comments more egregious than Kiri's inappropriately light-hearted approach to suicide issues.
  • bills...


    November 19, 2012 at 5:06 PM
    Damn Tuffy. That was harsh. She has been cruel making light of suicide, but she doesnt deserve to be hurt.
  • bills...


    November 19, 2012 at 5:10 PM
    Cass,Kiri has been more than light-hearted approach to suicide. She has been down right cruel.
  • bills...


    November 19, 2012 at 5:21 PM
    With all that being said. You fiance was a wuss and a whimp. TEN years and then he decided he wanted to live life as a gay man? Did he cheat on you?
  • Emily
    -- Nonmember comment from


    November 19, 2012 at 5:26 PM
    I don't know what Kiri has said about suicide - apparently it wasn't very nice though. That said someone show me an example where wishing ill on someone and sinking to their level is ever a wise way to behave? Tuffy - think about that. Maybe if you don't like something she said, set an example.
  • ciao
    -- Nonmember comment from


    November 19, 2012 at 6:10 PM
    With all due respect i have linked here and have read so many blogs full of relentless male-bashing.Does the fact that this is a "woman's website" justify that? Im all for freedom of speech but many of the articles here are full on slander...and why? for what? Are some of the writers here so unhappy that doing this makes them feel better about themselves? Ive read Kiri's blogs and can't speak for the suicide thing(didn't read that) but there are alot worse here.Posting articles just to hurt someone seems to be FUN,FUN,FUN and part and parcel of this place.
  • Autum...


    November 19, 2012 at 6:18 PM
    "Tuffy" never ceases to amaze me with her hateful and judgemental comments.

    Apparently, posting rude things on Cafemom makes you really "tuff"..... Not.
  • linzemae


    November 19, 2012 at 8:16 PM

    Tuffy and Billsfan... always rude comments. 

  • bills...


    November 19, 2012 at 8:18 PM
    Linze, do not say anything to me. I did not say one thing rude.
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