Is Getting Along Enough to Keep Your Marriage Together?

Love & Sex 12

Is getting along in your marriage enough to keep you together?I might have the Twilight Saga movies to blame for how I've been feeling over the last few days about my marriage. Well that and those darn raging hormones.

As much as I know that I don't live in a young adult novel, part of me wishes that my husband had the same level of lust, love, or "I can't live without you" feeling that is probably driving my recent Edward Cullen obsession. Sure, the fights have been on a steady decline, and we are actually laughing and enjoying each other's company.

But I have to wonder: Is getting along enough?

A long time ago, before I understood the responsibility of kids and family, I always hated the song Love the One You're With because I felt like it meant you were settling.

I thought that it was better to be alone then to be in a relationship when you're not in love.

But after marriage and kids, I'm not exactly sure what "in love" really means. I see lots of couples who hold hands when they're out, make romantic Facebook updates, or just express their love in a way that's visible to other people.

Does that mean they're "in love?"

Or is it when you feel like you couldn't go on without your partner, or you couldn't imagine life without him in your life?

I honestly don't know, which means I probably wouldn't know even if I decided to end my marriage and seek it out, unless it's this feeling or understanding that cannot be described in words.

And then the question is, am I willing to risk what's turning out to be a good life and my kids' happiness to figure out whether this is love? Am I even capable of that kind of love with anyone?

Probably not. But that doesn't mean I don't sometimes wonder if it could be different.

How do you know that you're "in love?"


Image via apparena/Flickr

marriage, divorce, commitment


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Jess Chaplain

i'm not sure you ever really know... on the edge of ending with my boyfriend cuz of that exact reason. but I'm also thinking of staying with him in case we ARE in love.  I feel like if the doubts become more than the not-doubts [...know what I mean?], you should end it. But even as I say that, I'm still not sure what to do. Sigh..... ugh ;(

SuzyB... SuzyBarno

I think that love is a verb and you have to treat it that way. Everyday you wake up you have to chose to love the person you are married to, and vice versa. Marriage is something you always have to work at. Once you stop trying it can all fall apart and fast! You also have to understand how your partner likes to be loved and he has to know the same about you. Communication is key. Tell your partner how you feel, it can really help. After 5 years of marriage I can definately think of times I wanted to quit and rewind 10 years(wouldn't that be easy? Lol!). Keep at it.

Caela... CaelanOceanamom

It is so hard, right? Remember those first few years and how one touch could make your heart race and make you short of breath? It's not the same 13 years and one crazy toddler later. No one can tell you how to feel. It is hard work, it is choosing to be an active participant in your marriage, every day. And it means making mistakes.

To make a long story short (too late!); good luck, to us all . . .

Matthew McCrady

I've been married 14 years, together with my wife for 16. It's easy to get hung up on feelings. The feelings aren't the same as when you first fell in love. But as someone above said, love is also a verb. I think as long as you still enjoy doing each things for each other, as well as with each other, the love is still there. It's just cooler, as it should be. Love ages, like wine (not to be too cliche about it). As long as I still want to cook her dinner, I know I'm still in love. As long as I still feel good about making her a thermos of coffee before work in the morning, I am still in love. That sounds like a very mundane kind of love, because of movies like Twilight, but I think especially as you grow older you appreciate these mundane things more and more. It's the unacknowledged acts of love that sustain us throughout our lives. So what about the passion you felt when you first met? Passion is like the flare of a match. It burns quickly, and usually burns your fingers unless you do something with it. Use the initial passion of love to light a candle. It will last longer.

nonmember avatar Shelby

Just exactly what Matthew McCrady said!

Stephanie Smirnov

Somebody please frame what Matthew said. Beautifully put. I'm married 13 years and frankly wouldn't want to revisit the hormone-drenched frenzy from our early time together -- too exhausting! ;) I am very clear I've mated for life, I may not be frenzied around this man as I was 13 years ago, but I do know there'd be a huge hole in my soul if he wasn't in my life. That's love, long and enduring.

Andy Blackman Hurwitz

I think you have to go back to SPIKE LEE and Radio Raheem's story of LOVE vs. HATE (right hand vs. left hand).

nonmember avatar Lexi jordan

First off, never compare real life to "love stories" that's not the way it truly is. That crazy, lust filled love from the first part of a relationship doesn't last. Love is always changing! It's cliche but when you are in love, you just know. I've been with my guy for 6 years, I remember how things were when we 1st got together, ya sometimes I wish we had that back, but I know I'm still in love with him cause every time I see him smile, I melt inside. When he's sick, I want to take care of him. Ya when he hugs me my 1st thoughts aren't always about sex (they used to be!)it varies between sex and the need for physical contact/comfort.

Society (through books, movies,celebs, etc) has created this unrealistic expectation of what true love really is. It's not sex, fireworks and 'electricity' all the time. Society basically says once that's gone, time for Divorce! Love takes work but when you want your partner to be happy, when they still make you smile, when you can't imagine sharing your life with anyone other than them, that's real love.

Lilit... Lilith825

Yes what Matthew said . . . 14 years of marriage and nearly 9 kids later. We've even survived affairs! But Matthew said it perfectly!

Teri Johnston

if you have to ask.... your not. can you get it back...yes. relationships take work. kids and family and sometimes jobs and careers get in the way. But people don't try anymore. they need to.

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