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Just Because I'm Divorced Doesn't Mean I'm Ready to Date

by Aunt Becky on November 18, 2012 at 11:02 AM

I've been fairly open and honest about the divorce I'm going through, which has been no easy feat. I've been separated from my husband for more than two years now, which means that all my well-meaning friends are bending over backwards to find me a new man in my life.

Problem is, I don't want one.

At least, not yet.

Just because I don't feel like dating yet doesn't mean that I've become a man-hater or am ready to live a life with 40 cats all named Mr. Sprinkles. Far from it. I'd love nothing more than to have a partner. I'm simply not ready for one.

After being with the same person for nine years, I've still got a ton of soul-searching and healing to do well before I can focus my attention on anyone else, which means I'd probably attract the wrong kind of guy if I even attempted dating.

Divorce isn't easy, not by a longshot, which means that I have a lot more recovering and discovering of myself to do before I can actually give myself to someone else.

I know the old saying about getting back on the horse and riding if the thing bucks you off, but it doesn't feel right for me. I have to overcome the losses of the dreams I'd had -- none of which involved the D Word -- and work my way through the grief. Bringing another person into this with me is simply not fair. Not to me, and especially not to him.

It's safe to say that I wouldn't make a very good partner right now, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. And when I'm ready to wade back into the dating pool, I'm sure that I'll know it. But I'm not prepared to rush things just so I can alleviate the discomfort of learning to live on my own and rediscover who I am.

That, to me, is far more important than having someone I can only half-heartedly devote myself to. I've settled for less than I deserve for a very long time, and I'm not ready to do that again.

So, I thank you, my friends, for being concerned that I might wither away alone in my apartment, but know that when the time is right, I'll be more than ready to jump back into relationship territory, shiny, fresh, and new.

Until then, it's time to devote myself to, well, myself. Why? Because I deserve it. And so does my potential (future) partner.

Did you date after divorce? When did you know it was time?

Filed Under: breakups, divorce, dating mom

Comments

10
  • jenn
    -- Nonmember comment from

    jenn

    November 18, 2012 at 12:02 PM
    I was widowed right before my 27th birthday. 4 years later I still do not feel ready to date. I think it's up to each individual as to when they are ready. Most people don't understand that. I mean I've even had MIL try to set me up on dates! I just don't feel ready yet
  • Miche...
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    Michelephant

    November 18, 2012 at 12:18 PM

    I think the most important thing after a Divorce, long term break up, or the death of a partner is to focus on non-romantic relationships.  A fun time with friends and family is way more appealing than a nervous first date where it takes a lot of effort to push a farmer partner out of your thoughts. The lack of a romantic relationship is also a great time to do exactly what you want to do, paint your living room pink, take a fun cooking or exercise class.  Romance will happen when you are ready for it.


  • pupuk...
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    pupukeawahine

    November 18, 2012 at 3:00 PM

    Ok, I'm going to say something really weird and totally off the subject at hand:  When I first glanced at this article and saw the picture I thought it was a picture of me.  Except for the light streak in the hair, it looks exactly like me.  I'm pretty freaked out.  I guess everyone has a doppelganger somewhere on this planet.


  • tuffy...
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    tuffymama

    November 18, 2012 at 6:40 PM
    Aww, jenn. Take your time! But don't close the door completely. You might be depriving someone of his "the one."
  • Bloom...
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    Bloomie79

    November 18, 2012 at 9:47 PM

    Good for you! Take your time and listen to your own heart.


  • Eliza...
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Elizabeth

    November 18, 2012 at 9:59 PM
    I've been divorced for 4 years now and I'm still not really dating. I have occasional crushes or fleeting hook-ups, but when it comes down to the truth, not only am I not ready to be a partner, I don't have time! I am a single mom, employed full-time, and go to grad school at night. Some day I'll be ready...I hope! Some day, you will be ready too!
  • IKnow...
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    IKnow0101

    November 18, 2012 at 11:03 PM

    I say take the time to be completely selfish.  Everything you wish to do but had to consider your partner's feelings do it now.  Have Fun.


  • jessi...
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    jessicasmom1

    November 19, 2012 at 8:44 AM

    that's right I became a single parent when my DH passed but I was no ready to date until I was ready


  • tbruc...
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    tbrucemom

    November 19, 2012 at 1:49 PM

    If the writer is only separated and not actually divorced I definitely think it's not right to date yet. I wonder though why she isn't divorced? Is she still in love with her future ex and that's the real reason she doesn't want to date? I was divorced after 28 years and a year later I was ready to date, but that year was very difficult. I used the time to concentrate on my work and my kids, losing weight, doing thinkgs "my way".  It would probably have taken longer if I was still in love with him.


  • TooCo...
    -- Nonmember comment from

    TooCoolForYou

    November 21, 2012 at 9:56 AM
    Wait....I thought you moved out of the home that you shared with your husband in October? Of this year? No one expects you to be dating a whole month after you separate.
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