Follow The Stir

Love & Learn

6 Signs You're His 'Faux-Girlfriend'

by Kiri Blakeley on November 5, 2012 at 9:46 PM

I've noticed a startling trend in the dating world: Something I'll call the "faux-girlfriend" phenomenon. That's when a guy treats you like a girlfriend in a lot of ways -- you spend holidays together, you've met his parents, you have your own clothes drawer at his place. In fact, things are so girlfriend-y that it seems the next logical step would be fiancee-y and then wife-y. But something insidious and underhanded is going on. There are men out there (and women too, I imagine) who treat you like a girlfriend -- but not really. That's usually because while he wants the regularity and companionship of a real girlfriend, he doesn't want the responsibility, the downsides, or the idea of cutting off his options.

How do you know if you might be the faux-girlfriend? Here's 6 bigtime clues.

Facebook status. Yes, no matter that you spend six nights out of seven together, and he calls you crying whenever he needs a pep talk, he still has not changed his status from "single" to "In a relationship." I know this sounds cliche, but it's a big one -- if you ask him to do it and he comes up with reasons why he can't. He might say he's a "private" person and doesn't want anyone knowing his personal life. What he really means is that he doesn't want the various cute women he's friended knowing his personal life.

You don't know where he lives. While this seems laughable, it's actually pretty easy to fall into a routine of meeting strictly at one person's place -- especially if that person is closer to where the action is. Maybe he constantly comes up with brilliant excuses as to why you can't see his place, like his roommate is messy or a psycho. The real reason? He wants to be able to safely retreat there if you break up and have you not know how to find him!

He doesn't introduce you as his girlfriend. Whenever you're out with your man and run into someone he knows, he hems and haws, and finally mumbles, "Oh .... err ... and this is Amy." Yeah, no "this is my girlfriend, Amy." Or, "this is my girlfriend." Sometimes he may even rub salt in the wound by saying, "This is my friend, Amy."

His friends don't have a clue about you. He's perfectly willing to hang out with your group of friends, but when it comes to meeting his, he always has excuses. Maybe he even goes so far as to say that he prefers just being with you and your friends. Or maybe you've met his guy friends, but somehow the female ones remain ever-elusive. If he's got friends he sees -- even if it is just the occasional after-work drink -- he's not bringing you along, there's a reason. He's either embarrassed by you, or doesn't want to cut off the potential of meeting other women through his friends or turning one of his female friends into something more.

He never spends money on you. I'm not saying a guy has to pay your rent, buy you Louis Vuitton, and shell out for every single meal and event. But a guy who thinks of you as his girlfriend won't make you pay for your own slice of pizza. If you go to a club, he'll pick up your entrance fee. If you find yourself paying for HIM, he definitely doesn't think you're his girlfriend -- more like his free ride.

He never talks about the future. By the time you've been with a guy for awhile -- sometimes even just a few months -- he'll start mouthing future plans without even quite realizing it, saying something like, "Yeah, when we move in together it would be great to get an apartment with a gym," or even "Our kids are going to be so cute." If you never hear anything about you in his future, it's because he doesn't see you in it.

Have you ever felt like the "faux-girlfriend"? What signs were did you get?


Image via andronicusmax/Flickr

Filed Under: dating, commitment, love

Comments

10
  • Sara
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Sara

    November 6, 2012 at 12:46 PM
    He hung out with me all the time, but I was never his gf. He took me out for Valentine's Day, but I was never his gf. He introduced me to his closest friends, but I was never his gf. He hung out with me and my closest friends, but I was never his gf. He took me as his date to his company Christmas party, but I was never his gf. He talked about introducing me to his parents, but I was never his gf. He bought me (relatively) pricey birthday gifts, but I was never his gf. He gave me a key to his apartment, but I was never his gf. He did all these things yet insisted I was never or would never be his gf. Needless to say I dumped his sorry ass.
  • J
    -- Nonmember comment from

    J

    November 6, 2012 at 2:40 PM
    You can't dump someone who was never your "boyfriend" to begin with... Just saying
  • Dale
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Dale

    November 7, 2012 at 5:28 PM
    I guess she faux dumped him then. Just sayin'.
  • Olive...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Oliver Clozeoff

    March 14, 2013 at 9:41 AM
    after how long into a relationship does this start becoming a problem?...what is you've only been together for about a month and a half?..
  • noman...
    -- Nonmember comment from

    nomanymore

    April 2, 2013 at 3:36 PM
    Guess I finally found the definition of my relationship. lol I always thought we were FWB but now that I've read this article this sounds more like us. I've been with this man for over a year (!) he introduced me to his parents, took me on a vacation, took me to his relative's b-day party, always payed for my drinks...I spent days at his family house ...but he never called me his gf. Refused to add me on facebook, got mad every time I tried to take a photo with him, always had other girls around, never talked about the future, and always introduced me as his "friend". Broke my heart in so many ways...and why am I still with him? 'cause I'm an idiot and I love him, that's why. Go figure.
  • Dating
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Dating

    July 19, 2013 at 8:17 AM
    He introduces me as his girlfriend... Sometimes... Then he introduced me as his friend. I flipped. Now I know I handled it wrong. Monkey see monkey do. From now on he gets to be introduced as my friend also. I wonder what his reaction will be. Basically ladies he gets what he puts in. Leave your options open too. Don't let him feel he is "the one" because he isnt. he has no relationship status on FB. Neither do I. Im also "private" I love him, but my options are also open. Funny thing is since I started the monkey see monkey do thing he is slowly stepping up to the plate. Why would he try when you are showing him you need him to validate you and the relationship. You should be in control not him.
  • Kaitl...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Kaitlyn McWilliams Mua

    August 20, 2013 at 5:36 PM
    This happened to me with my child's father. He strung me along until I accidentally got pregnant than it was 'Oh well I thought you knew we are just friends". If your relationship sounds like this article- RUN.
  • Stacy
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Stacy

    January 24 at 9:52 PM
    Try being a friend, dating, friend again, FWB, dating, and now romantic partner so many stupid labels that clearly do not fit the mold..I can't understand why I haven't kicked his butt too the curb yet either, nomanymore. I get the monogamy, affection, the more than "just friends" cuddling, intimacy, holding hands, love making--yes love making, nights out of town, nice dinners, opening the doors for me, met his friends, and family, but I am not and will probably never be his girlfriend. Sucks because he knows how much I love him and can only tell me he cares about me after all we've been through in 3 years. Will give it one last shot at talking about it, but I'm sure it'll be the same words, "Why make such a big deal over a title when you know that I care about you?" After 3 years that care about you should be replaced with I love you. I'll be left hurting, while I think the no title thing is a easy way out bc it comes with so many expectations of what you are supposed to be. No label, no expectations, no guilt...easy way to break a girls heart without being bashed, after all you were never his girlfriend, right? BS
  • dating2
    -- Nonmember comment from

    dating2

    June 13 at 3:58 PM
    Hmmm...he always stated/stressed "Single" when we were together after dating/seeing each other again. It wasn't until he told me he wanted to date someone else after we'd been together 5 months; My response that I'd date too that made him realize how much he cared for me but unfortunately he's reverting back to old habits. I've met his parents, his friends, we've been on vacations together, he pampers to best of his ability as do I. He will kiss and cuddle in private but not in public, especially when close to area that is close to child and ex... It appears I've moved up from backup to Faux GF :(
  • von
    -- Nonmember comment from

    von

    July 26 at 5:29 PM
    wow i was a faux-gf for 5 months. It was the most uncomfortable bizarre relationship waiting to be introduced his family and seeing his place. It never happened. I wised up and dumped his sorry butt!
1-10 of 10 comments

To leave a comment, log in as a CafeMom member:

Log In

OR, use our non-member comment form: