10 Tips for Getting Over a Cheating Spouse That Really Do Work

Love & Learn 57

In going through my divorce (which, for the record, had nothing whatsoever to do with infidelity), I've met a number of other people who are in the process of divorcing. I guess it's the time of year for it or something.

A lot of my friends, well, they're dealing with infidelity, which brings about a whole new set of issues. Can you get over your partner cheating? Is there a way to have things be right again after the unimaginable has happened?

Here's how to work though infidelity (if you so desire).

1) First thing you must do when dealing with infidelity is to ensure that your partner ends all contact with the person he was cheating on you with. That means no calls, no contact, no Facebook notes, etc. Should your partner refuse, it's time to call it off.

2) Do not, whatever you do, try to carry on as though nothing has happened. Your partner had an affair and you can't have that as the white elephant in the room.

3) Talk to your partner about the affair. Why did he or she do it? What was missing from your relationship? What did he or she gain from cheating if anything?

4) Don't take the blame for the cheating - it's easy to look at ourselves and pick apart the flaws we see in our relationship, but you were not the one who decided to cheat, so resist the urge to change yourself. The relationship, yes, but you? No.

5) Begin to rebuild the trust that was broken when your partner cheated. One of those ways is to insist that he allow you to pry a bit into whatever he's doing. Accounting for his actions until you feel secure is one of the ways to gain back the trust.

6) Don't take it out on the person your partner cheated on you with. While it may be easier to be angry at "the other woman," that person is not the one who broke your trust.

7) Allow yourself to be open with your partner about your feelings about the relationship, the affair, and the aftermath. It may feel uncomfortable and like you're rehashing old topics, but it's vital to be honest.

8) Start slowly rebuilding your relationship and sex life, seeking the love and passion you once had. Do dates. See movies. Hold hands. Do dinner. Romance each other.

9) Don't expect to "get over this" easily. Infidelity hurts terribly, so allow yourself to grieve that loss of innocence, and be patient with your feelings. This was a major violation of trust.

10) Don't be afraid to say goodbye if you can't actually trust your partner or if he isn't bothering to work on your relationship. A relationship is based upon mutual respect and if your partner isn't willing to give you that, it's time to hit the road.

Have you ever had to deal with infidelity? What did you do?


Image via rosshuggett/Flickr

astronomy, breakups, cheating, commitment


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britn... britneykaren

My boyfriend of 3 years hasn't physically cheated on me but started "sexting" with an ex while I was pregnant and I haven't said anything yet because I'm scared to be a single mom so soon

Virginia Nordin

Get tested for diseases immediately! Make your partner get tested! Diseases kill! You must keep yourself clean and only have sex with clean person's.
Be an intelligent person.

Deann... Deanna2872

Britneykaren, I feel for you, and your situation. But it's something you should confront, now. If your boyfriend is sexting at this point, things can only go from bad to worse, without some kind of intervention.

The best approach may not be to start a fight about it, or accuse him of anything. Maybe you could simply let him know that you're aware of it, it hurts you, and ask if he feels as though something is missing or wrong in your relationship. He'll probably get defensive, and decide you're starting a fight, so it's imperative that you remain calm and let him know that you love him, and that your biggest concern is for your child. And then LET him be honest with you. He may say some really shitty things to/about you. Let it go. When we ask for honesty, we have to accept that it isn't always going to be pleasant. If what he has to say, cannot be fixed or even worked on...then let him go now. More importantly, allow yourself to be happy and without this pain, now-

Things will work out, the way they should. Maybe not the way that you want, today. But if you give yourself a chance to be happy, you can be-

ImaSo... ImaSoulMom

Agreed with the comments above. I was honestly hoping this was more about how to get closure. Can you write an article on that pretty please? :)

My ex left his family to be with the person he cheated on us with.

I'm getting there....little by little. I like this article though. It's nice to see some people realize the value of their family and do their best to preserve it.

nonmember avatar Bethany

I slept with his best friend then i moved out. Samantha of sex and the city said it best "i love you ri2hard but i love me more; goodbye!" (s)he

nonmember avatar Robin

I have been cheated on in the past which led to divorce and just this past summer by my boyfriend of three years.. I am having major issues getting over it still, I was going through a medical scare and he broke my heart temporarily but mostly he broke my trust and I am having some major issues getting over it.I have anxiety attacks, to the point of me crying at night in the morning in the car just sitting and bawling we got into many fights over it because I can not seem to drop it he doesn't seem to understand how hurt I still am even months later he figures he has no further contact and that should be enough but I am still devastated by it and get anxious when he is late coming home or doesn't respond to my messages I love him and we have known each other our whole lives and finding him made me realize I made a bad choice before and sometimes I fear I made another bad choice.

nonmember avatar Marrissa

I had lost hope until I found you. I had a relationship with a married man for 8 eight years and he wasn't getting a divorce because he didn't want to leave his children. After your played for me he changed completely. He couldn't live without me and was excited just to hear me on the phone. He forgot all his fears about his children. He couldn't even touch his EX-wife. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I LOVE YOU bishopjakesmore@gmail.com,

nonmember avatar Enad

This is kinda helpful. I have been married for 7 years. It's been a difficult marriage and we actually had plans of separating already, to have a break and really figure out if ultimately we will get a divorce or not. He went back to the Philippines for almost a month to attend a family reunion and just because he hasn't been back there in a while. To make this short, I found out that he was having an affair while he was down there and there's a big possibility that he's still with her right now. I couldn't believe it and words are not enough to express how I feel (this all happened very recently, like I just found out about "them" last week). He ended up moving out and we are in the process of getting the legalities of the separation squared away. We have beautiful twin boys together and if it weren't for these kids, I don't know how I can even wake up in the morning. Everything is so fresh but most definitely I am not blaming myself for his stupid decision. For the failed marriage yes but not for his affair. I will be okay, in time.

nonmember avatar No Name

I just found out about 4 days ago that my fiance has been cheating on me with two guys from her work at the same time. this completely broke me because we have been together for 5 years. I want to forgive her, i want to be strong for our little boy and make this relationship work, but at the moment I dont know if I will be able to get over what she did. I am seen a psychologist and asked her to see the same doctor separately and maybe when the doc thinks we ready we can be together on the same session. this is hard because she also loved one of them.

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