If men truly are from Mars and women from Venus, that really does explain a lot. In particular, the language barrier. Clearly each gender has its own dialect and our translators are all broken.

How many times has a guy told his wife one thing in a casual, meaningless way, only to have it explode into a full-fledged argument? I'll let you in on a little secret, though. I recently came across a "Gender Translation Guide" that explains everything. It tells you what women "think they hear" versus what guys really mean when they say common things. Take a peek:

He says: I love you.
She thinks: Uh oh. What did he do now? I'm so going to kill him.
He means: You make my heart go pitter patter.

He says: Is dinner ready yet?
She thinks: What, does he think I do nothing all day? I just sit around watching TV and stuffing my face? I can't believe he's checking up on me, the pig!
He means: I'm hungry.

He says: Good morning!
She thinks: Yes, I'm bringing your shirts to the dry cleaners, doing your laundry, and going grocery shopping today. Stop hounding me!
He means: I just woke up and it's so nice to see your smiling face.

He says: Calm down.
She thinks: Oh, so you think I'm a crazy, lunatic nut job now? I can't think straight? I'm irrational? Well you're an asshole!
He means: I have absolutely no idea what to say or do right now.

He says: I need a drink.
She thinks: He's sick of me. He's sick of the kids. He can't stand living with us for one more second. 
He means: I can't believe my team blew it in the last 30 seconds of the game.

He says: What's the matter?
She thinks: Great, he thinks I'm always complaining about something or other and that I can never just be happy or let things go.
He means: Is this going to be a 10-minute talk or am I done for the night?

He says: Are you mad at me?
She thinks: He's totally mad at me. I wonder if it's because of last night or maybe he found out about this morning's fiasco. He's trying to get me to admit what I did ...
He means: You're acting really funny so I must've done something wrong.

He says: Do you want to taste my meatball parm?
She thinks: He's testing me. He thinks I'm a fat cow and should only be eating salad, but he won't say that so he'll trick me by trying to get me to taste his fattening hero.
He thinks: This is the best sandwich ever!

Do you speak a different language from your husband?


Image via greeblie/Flickr