Sex Confession: My Husband Doesn't Initiate Sex Anymore

Say What!? 19

couple holding hands"Sex Confessions" is a series featuring your naughtiest bedroom secrets and fantasies. Some will sound familiar, others may give you ideas, some will turn you on, and some are dark and twisted. You might want to sit down for this.

Today's sex confession comes from Monica* who has been married to Aaron* for about seven years. They have one child and lead a seemingly happy life ... except Monica doesn't think they are happy. Mostly, Monica thinks Aaron is unhappy with their sex life -- their essentially non-existent sex life. Aaron never initiates. He doesn't display any interest in getting it on with his wife. He doesn't kiss her, rub her leg, or try to get her in the mood like he used to. Monica was the only one keeping their sex life alive by initiating but she's tired of it. So she stopped. And now there's no sex being had at all. Read on to hear more of Monica's story.

I love my husband. I love having sex with my husband. But it seems like he doesn't like having sex with me. I know I gained some weight after having our baby, but it's not a lot of weight. I fear that is what's keeping Aaron from wanting me, sexually. But when I've asked him about it, he tells me that he didn't even notice the extra pounds. And that's precisely the problem. I feel like he doesn't notice me at all.

He used to initiate sex all the time. We used to have sex almost every day. Then I got pregnant and it slowed down. Then I had the baby and bam! No more sex. I'm afraid he sees me as a mother now and so sex is out of the question. Did our child kill his desires for me? Will this lead to cheating or divorce? That's what I fear the most. I love him. I love our family. I don't want a divorce. I just want to have sex every now and then. And even when I ask him about why we aren't having sex, he brushes it off that he's tired and tells me he loves me. But I don't feel like he does. I just don't know what to do. Should I put on the lingerie and try more? Or are we doomed? I feel like I can't talk to anyone I know about this. 

What advice would you give this confessor?

 

*Names have been changed.

Image via thurlbut/Flickr

marriage, sex confession

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nonmember avatar Kyla

Assuming Monica has ruled out cheating, the husband should head to the doctor. There are myriad physical reasons for decreased sex drive (possibly he just got off antidepressants?). If the doctor clears him, couple's therapy is the next step.

pupuk... pupukeawahine

He might be depressed.  Even men often don't want sex when they're depressed.

nonmember avatar sameboat

I'm experiencing the same thing. I have not had sex with my husband since the birth of my now 2 year old. He does not initiate and he has turned me down countless times in over 2 years. I feel nonexistent to him. I have gone to counseling, he will not go. I think I'm at the point now that if he were to initiate sex I would probably turn him down. After being rejected countless times I no longer feel a connection to him. I have spied on him and know he is not cheating. I have tried talking to him about our relationship and I get nowhere. I have even broken down in tears in front of him and I get no compassion. I can only come to the conclusion that he no longer loves me (if he ever did). And yet I cannot leave because I cannot afford to.

tbruc... tbrucemom

There is a reason for the lack of sexual desire, it just needs to be figured out.  Some possible reasons: 1. Medications or medical condition 2. He does see her differently now that she's a mother and they need counseling to overcome it  3. He's resentful of something she's doing (i..e, spending too much time with the baby, staying home while he has to work, etc. and it's affecting him this way 4. He's having his needs met elsewhere 5. It's taken him this long to figure out he's gay. There's a difference between a decrease in sex which is common after having a baby and NO sex, something's wrong and they need to find out what.

nacho... nacholibre

oh, I dunno, TALK TO HIM about it?? ask him how he feels, why he thinks he feels that way. then tell him how you feel. then work out a plan where you both make a few changes. it's really not hard.

iluv2... iluv2read

My husband did this, too, and when I finally sat down and talked to him about it, he confessed that he'd been having some erectile dysfunction and was too ashamed to tell me about it. His was the result of medication he was taking and once he confessed to me, he went to the doctor and had his meds adjusted which fixed the problem. Now we're still not having sex as often as I'd like, but once a week is better than once every 3 months, by far. I'm sure the meds still play some part, but they're essential to his health (high blood pressure), so I'll take what I can get.


 

nonmember avatar justathought71

Listen up if you'd like to hear from a guy that was that guy and lost his marriage over it. And...i can tell you it wasn't any of the reasons anyone here has listed so far. For me, it wasn't weight gain after the babies, or meds, or cheating...anything like that. It was a combination of a couple things that killed the want to have sex with her despite the love and attraction still being there. One was, the more she brought it up, the more it made it seem like I was some guy that didn't like sex. Trust me, far from it. Loved it and would have liked to have it every day, so it's insulting being treated like some frigid freak. I did always feel a lack of respect from my wife, very inconsiderate towards my feelings. Never felt like she had my back, so the trust needed there to be able to share with her what i wanted in bed didn't exist. Always felt if i would initiate something new or kinky or whatever it would not only get shot down, but may get me laughed at, criticized, or kicked to the curb. Well as it turns out, not speaking up had the same effect. If you want to save your sex life and likely your marriage, you have to be straight with your man that you are in this together, you know that he's missing out on having great sex just like you are, and that he's safe with you to tell you what he wants and you're on board. It's that simple.

Jennifer Ives O'Meara

Wow, justathout71, let me get this straight, you felt insulted because your wife wanted affection, and everytime you rejected her, it only made her want it more, she never had your back, and if you iniated something new she decined you. So you loved sex, wanted it everyday, but just not with the one person who you swore to love, the one person who you had a child with ???? YOU make no damn sense. Either you want to fuck your wife or you don't. It is that simple. Whatever crap you tell yourself, and try to sell to everyone else, good luck with that. Marriage needs to have good communication, clearly that was lacking, had it been better between the two of you, the no sex would have never been an issue.

sofia... sofia0587

Sometimes guys want the women to initiate sex, my boyfriend tells me he wants me to initiate it once in a while and sometimes I shoot him down so much he stops trying. So in my case it's my fault

nonmember avatar A Guy

Because:

1) It's work ladies. Your just laying there doesn't help. Try doing pushups or butt lifts constantly for 15-45 minutes straight. Bet you can't

2) You've become routine, and are not interested in variety

3) We still love you but it's just not interesting to us any more

4) We are not cheating just not interested in the effort with you

5) If we want release the shower is much lower overhead

6) You aren't easy to talk to anymore regarding sex as you take it too personally or beam up if the subject comes up. It is much less of an issue to let this be the 800 lb gorilla in the room than talk to you about it

7) If you can't take hints with your husband we are not interested in paying for a therapist

8) We would rather have a fantasy about (some hot movie star) than go to the effort with you

These are pretty common data points you would hear as a fly on the wall of a mancave or bar. Just a few compiled observations as a long time married guy who hears lots of stories.



So what can you do to turn it around?

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