A Single Girl’s Open Letter to All Future Mr. Wrongs

LOL 23

I don’t think I ask for too much in a significant other. I’d say I’m pretty average when it comes to what I’d like to see in the opposite sex ... hilarious, successful, sweet, frequently does yard work with his shirt off, same old. But what I don’t want ... well, that’s a different story. Unfortunately, a lot of that story comes from personal experiences -- and some have made me seriously revise my checklist of what I look for in a guy. So I’ve decided to write an open letter to all the men who will eventually cross my path. Here it goes ...

Hey Future Date,

First of all, I’d like to say good luck. Dating me is no easy feat. In fact, a former beau once compared my complexity to a Rubik's cube, so you’re in for a real treat. But this isn't about me, it's about you. And since this is just round one, let’s start off with a few basic ground rules.

Please don’t be married. This is one of those things that should kind of go without saying. But sadly, it has to be mentioned. Now if you can't fight the uncontrollable urge to lie about your marital status, you should probably Google your own name to make sure your wedding registry isn't the first thing that pops up on the search. It's just not a good look for you. Or your marriage. Or men in general. God, I hate dating.

Now I know you’re a fan of the booze -- and sometimes vodka tends to get the best of you. But when this happens, please don’t bark at strangers on the street. Sometimes even vodka can’t excuse you for getting on all fours in the middle of Manhattan. It’s just -- no. I can’t divulge any further on this topic. Just don’t. Moving on.

Since you've successfully scored my number, I’m assuming we’ll be texting a bit before we decide to meet up again. Texting is a great way to keep in touch, we can totally do that. But please don’t accidentally send me a video of a random girl doing a striptease in your hotel room. Thanks for the gesture, but I’m totally good without it and don't need to know that ever existed.

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, please don't get ahead of yourself. We are not instantly married. Relationships take time to develop. Refrain from uttering brilliant one-liners like "we could have our last first kiss." Save the Noah from The Notebook act for later on. Too much too soon is creepy. It's overkill. And honestly, it makes me feel like I'm smothered in a corner. Nobody puts baby in the corner.

Aaaaaaand that about sums it up. Now, if by any means you think any of my requests are out of line, please feel free to turn the other way and never speak to me again. Otherwise, we should be in good shape. So tell me about yourself, do you frequently do yard work with your shirt off?

Love always,


More from The Stir:

10 Things Couples Do That Make Single People Crazy

These First Date Horror Stories Should Remind Us All What Not to Do

dating, turn-offs


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Non Ono

So, right off the top we can see your sights are set too high. Next, you admit to being a pain in the ass, but then try the "But this isn't about me, it's about you.". Incorrect, you are the one unhappy, I'm sure the married "jerks" you go after are getting what they want, or they drop you fast.

paren... parentalrights1

Lol you're right Non Ono. Expecting a guy to be successful and sweet is too high of an expectation. Most men are just assholes with no work ethic.

gigimae gigimae

here's my wish list that i will add to yours.. have you ever been in jail, going to jail, smoke, do drugs, lazy inconciderate, rude, mean, spiteful, thougthless, boring snobbish self centered, nasty dresser, (wearing your pants down under your butt) ( it is never attractive.. ever)  conceited and vain..  if these plus some that i may have left out like whiner or you fill in the blanks.... then please forget that you ever met me.. because the man that i am looking for cannot hang any of those items in his personality closet.

mc13 mc13



nonmember avatar Comang Wu

American women = Trash!

Tracey DeRamus

Just nice to see a woman NOT lower her expectations these days. All you have to do is sit on this site for a few and listen to the garabage desperate women tolerate. Single is not worse than being disrespected or mistreated.   Hell, I refer to it as an easy button.;)

 NOn Ono..Your sure from just the story? I bet... since I don't know you and this is just the internet, therefore, I can't be SURE, men run from your false sense of self confidence. lol Hopefully you can overcome that and consider yourself number 1.

nonmember avatar jenei

Haha, I thought this was a cute story! Sheis clearly being sarcastic, especially the parts about what she wants in a man, and anyone that can't see that really should not be commenting.

nonmember avatar JulieJules

@NonOno -- a woman's sights are set too high because they want a funny successful guy? You're right, we should just settle for any crap that comes our way. CLEARLY this girl doesn't want the men who barks at strangers on the street (LOL!!!)

Ellen D'Innocenzio

You sound easy to date compared to me. Plus I can add to the list of D-bag qualities from personal experience, but I'd be here all day (or week even).

Kinkster Mike

it's interesting that she goes to such great lengths to explain what she isn't looking for, when the reality is, that when you spend your time thinking about these things, you will bring them into your life. Also interesting is that she doesn't really say much about herself, other than she's like a rubik's cube. and you know about those puzzles right? once you've solved it, game over, it's boring OR you get bored trying to solve it and find another puzzle to play with. she really ought to be more careful about what she wants, she might just get it. lol

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