I don’t think I ask for too much in a significant other. I’d say I’m pretty average when it comes to what I’d like to see in the opposite sex ... hilarious, successful, sweet, frequently does yard work with his shirt off, same old. But what I don’t want ... well, that’s a different story. Unfortunately, a lot of that story comes from personal experiences -- and some have made me seriously revise my checklist of what I look for in a guy. So I’ve decided to write an open letter to all the men who will eventually cross my path. Here it goes ...
Hey Future Date,
First of all, I’d like to say good luck. Dating me is no easy feat. In fact, a former beau once compared my complexity to a Rubik's cube, so you’re in for a real treat. But this isn't about me, it's about you. And since this is just round one, let’s start off with a few basic ground rules.
Please don’t be married. This is one of those things that should kind of go without saying. But sadly, it has to be mentioned. Now if you can't fight the uncontrollable urge to lie about your marital status, you should probably Google your own name to make sure your wedding registry isn't the first thing that pops up on the search. It's just not a good look for you. Or your marriage. Or men in general. God, I hate dating.
Now I know you’re a fan of the booze -- and sometimes vodka tends to get the best of you. But when this happens, please don’t bark at strangers on the street. Sometimes even vodka can’t excuse you for getting on all fours in the middle of Manhattan. It’s just -- no. I can’t divulge any further on this topic. Just don’t. Moving on.
Since you've successfully scored my number, I’m assuming we’ll be texting a bit before we decide to meet up again. Texting is a great way to keep in touch, we can totally do that. But please don’t accidentally send me a video of a random girl doing a striptease in your hotel room. Thanks for the gesture, but I’m totally good without it and don't need to know that ever existed.
While I appreciate your enthusiasm, please don't get ahead of yourself. We are not instantly married. Relationships take time to develop. Refrain from uttering brilliant one-liners like "we could have our last first kiss." Save the Noah from The Notebook act for later on. Too much too soon is creepy. It's overkill. And honestly, it makes me feel like I'm smothered in a corner. Nobody puts baby in the corner.
Aaaaaaand that about sums it up. Now, if by any means you think any of my requests are out of line, please feel free to turn the other way and never speak to me again. Otherwise, we should be in good shape. So tell me about yourself, do you frequently do yard work with your shirt off?
More from The Stir: