man on phoneMen don't like to talk. Period. End of discussion.

I was seriously going to end the article right there. Like I really want to "talk" about not wanting to talk. But, well ... my editor has this way of shooting daggers with her eyes that can cut the wings off a fly clear across the room. Uh, I mean she's incredibly sweet. And super nice. And hi, Catherine!

So talking about talking it is. It's really hard to explain why men hate to talk, though, mainly because women love to talk so much. It'd be like explaining to a chocoholic that you just don't eat candy. Ever.

Here's a typical scenario. I'm at work crunching numbers on my computer when my wife calls. I of course answer, only to spend the next 20 minutes with the receiver stuck to my ear as my wife goes on and on about how Jason's 4th grade teacher Mrs. Small deducted one extra point from his spelling test so she must really hate him and then there was that incredible sale at the grocery store today where you could buy one box of mac and cheese and get a second box for 50 cents off and... well, I don't recall the rest because by this point, my ear canals have closed in on themselves and my eyes have glazed over twice now.

The phone is pure evil as far as we guys are concerned. When you're on the phone, there just is no escape. There is nothing to do BUT talk. That's why the guy who invented texting deserves a Nobel Prize. Now men can have quick conversations with their wives, at their own pace.

If only people came with a text function. Your wife can ask you a question to your face, and you can keep playing Xbox or watching the ball game. Next time you get up to go to the bathroom, sure, then you can answer.

See, women think men are hiding things. Or mad at them. Or plotting something sinister. But I'll let you in on a little secret, ladies ... it's none of the above. When you talk to guys and pass our listening threshold, our brain goes into survival mode and literally stops functioning. There's nothing going on up there other than wondering when your mouth will stop moving so we can get back to sitting on the couch and watching beach volleyball.

Hey, don't take it personally. Guys don't even like talking with other guys. That's why we're always hanging out at a bar watching some game or another. It's certainly not for the company. It's so we can stuff our faces with nachos and booze. After all, you can't talk if your mouth's full.

Why do you think men hate talking so much?


Image via Elvert Barnes/Flickr