For a long time, my husband had a friend who we will call *Ben and Ben was a guy who liked to drink. Lucky for us, Ben is no longer in our lives, but one of Ben's worst qualities was when he was drunk, he became hugely inappropriate. He was a compulsive liar. He was also a serial sexual harasser.
At the time, I told my husband I wasn't sure if his boob grabs and brushes were accidental or on purpose. I was never sure whether his comments made out of ear shot of our spouses were jokes or not, and I was never sure what to do. A new article on CaptainAwkward.com kind of brought this back.
My husband dumped this friend for other reasons (thank God), and I no longer have to tell my husband he isn't welcome in our home. But it was awkward and weird and neither of us knew how to handle it.
Now, eight years later, I know exactly how I would handle it. I would confront him. I would be open about how gross he was and how I was on to him and his "accidental" boob brushes.
Women are socialized to not say anything when awkward things happen, especially with their man's friends. I can't count the number of times I have laughed off gross comments or innuendo from men who WEREN'T my husband's buddies.
It made me sad that he didn't know what to do either, though. Just like the woman in the article.
Now that I have a daughter and I am a good decade older, I know exactly what I should have done and what I would tell my daughter (and son-in-law) to do. You dump that friend. You call him out. You say, "Was that on purpose?" when his hand brushes across your breast or you say, "That's so inappropriate" when he tells you that you are hotter than his wife.
It's wrong. Objectifying women is gross and crude in the best of circumstances, but a friend's wife or girlfriend? It's wrong on SO many levels.
We women need to collectively stand up and say: "Dude, it's not OK." And our spouses also need to do the same. Because it's not OK. It's gross and wrong.
I wish I could go back in time and punch him. But it's over. I hope he learned from his mistakes. I know I did.
Did you ever have a situation like this?
Image via Linda N./Flickr
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Comments 15
ladies, i worked at a porn store for a year. i learned how to say THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE. especially in a facility like that, men and women! think its ok to be more lewd than they normally would. yes when your trying to find the right toy for your sex life, you have to be a little more descriptive on what you want, but dont share your crazy sex stories and ask me about mine. and men...i wont even go into half the stuff they said to me. and i said the same thing. thats not appropriate,
The direct approach you describe does not always work and actually causes thrill for some. Especially when the wife doesn't care or doesn't want to know or do anything about it. Believe me I tried the direct approach.
All I can do is not let my kids be alone with this sicko and try my best to stay in earshot of others while anywhere near him. PUKE!!!!
I have a friend whose husband is like this. He rubs all the wive's necks and tells them how they look beautiful, hot, etc. Does the occasional "wow", and always has to hug every girl when they show up and when they leave, for a long, drawn out hug. I have told him "no thanks" when he tries to rub my neck and look down my shirt, and i refuse to hug him as I think he is a pig. Some of my friends seem ok with the attention though, which is wierd. ( I know one girl gets no attention from her husband so that is easy to understand but the other two I don't get.) He gives exactly zero attention to his wife, no touching, no positive comments, no hugs, and pretty much ignores her at all the parties. I don't think she is okay with it, but since some of her "girlfriends" enjoy his attention, I think she feels she has nothing she can say. I wish the few that don't see it would speak up like the rest of us, so we could show a unified support for our friend. But in the mean time, I purposely stay away from events that he is at, as he is a creep. Worse, he has two pre teen boys who see his actions, and are learnign the wrong way to treat women.