For a long time, my husband had a friend who we will call *Ben and Ben was a guy who liked to drink. Lucky for us, Ben is no longer in our lives, but one of Ben's worst qualities was when he was drunk, he became hugely inappropriate. He was a compulsive liar. He was also a serial sexual harasser.
At the time, I told my husband I wasn't sure if his boob grabs and brushes were accidental or on purpose. I was never sure whether his comments made out of ear shot of our spouses were jokes or not, and I was never sure what to do. A new article on CaptainAwkward.com kind of brought this back.
My husband dumped this friend for other reasons (thank God), and I no longer have to tell my husband he isn't welcome in our home. But it was awkward and weird and neither of us knew how to handle it.
Now, eight years later, I know exactly how I would handle it. I would confront him. I would be open about how gross he was and how I was on to him and his "accidental" boob brushes.
Women are socialized to not say anything when awkward things happen, especially with their man's friends. I can't count the number of times I have laughed off gross comments or innuendo from men who WEREN'T my husband's buddies.
It made me sad that he didn't know what to do either, though. Just like the woman in the article.
Now that I have a daughter and I am a good decade older, I know exactly what I should have done and what I would tell my daughter (and son-in-law) to do. You dump that friend. You call him out. You say, "Was that on purpose?" when his hand brushes across your breast or you say, "That's so inappropriate" when he tells you that you are hotter than his wife.
It's wrong. Objectifying women is gross and crude in the best of circumstances, but a friend's wife or girlfriend? It's wrong on SO many levels.
We women need to collectively stand up and say: "Dude, it's not OK." And our spouses also need to do the same. Because it's not OK. It's gross and wrong.
I wish I could go back in time and punch him. But it's over. I hope he learned from his mistakes. I know I did.
Did you ever have a situation like this?
Image via Linda N./Flickr
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Comments 15
I was in a similiar situation with an ex boyfriend's best friend. He would come on to me everytime my ex left the room and even when my boyfriend was in the room he would do things by "accident." Unfortunately, the confronting him approach did not work out in my favor. I said something to my boyfriend about the situation and he told me I was overreacting and that he was just joking around with me. So I said something directly to his friend and it got turned around on me. He proceeded to tell not only my boyfriend but his wife that I was hitting on him every time that we were alone together and it turned into a very awkward situation for everyone involved. I'm happy to report that I'm with someone now who would always have my back in a situation like this.
I had a similar situation where one of my BF's best friends is rather misogynistic. It's not that he hit on me or touched me inappropriately, but in my prescence he would refer to women as "bitches" and used the c-word all the time. I get that he's "jsut trying to be funny b/c that's how his favorite professional comedians talk" but dude, YOU are not a professional comedian and it's disrespectful and rude. Ultimately I know I can't change the way he thinks or speaks, but I CAN control what goes on in my own house. I confronted him AND told my boyfriend that that kind of language was not allowed in my house. If he wants to call women by derogatory sexist names, he can do that on the sidewalk outside all he wants. But as SOON as he crosses the property line, he needs to stop - and if he doesn't he's not welcome over. I mostly see him at my BF's house however and that's where things get tricky. I can't force him not to use that language at my BF's house like I can with my house, but I've explained it makes me uncomfortable and asked my BF to back me up. I think the guys think I'm a bit of a stick in the mud, but I don't care. Gotta stand up for yourself!
Thankfully, I've never been in a situation like this, but I know that if I was, my husband would stand up for me and I would definitely stand up for myself.
What do you mean neither of us knew how to handle it - how about - hey, don't touch my fucking wife/girlfriend again - or hey, don't fucking touch me. And make sure you are NEVER alone w/that person again.
I agree w/ Venae!!
I have never had a problem telling someone off. If you touch me, or start using a certain kind of talk, i will rip you a new one. As women, we have been raised to be nice. well screw that! I dont have to be nice to anyone that tries to put me down or uses offensive launguage in my presence.
My story is a little different. One of my bffs husbands was very inappropriate, but ONLY when my friend was around! weird, huh? As soon as she would leave the room he is totally normal. Nicest guy you ever want to meet. I think they were trying to dabble in the swinger crowd, which we made abundantly clear we are not interested, but i think SHE got off on it. Anyway, I just ignore it. He's not really being shady, and if that's what it takes, whatever. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but its all a show, so I just make a joke of it. It IS kind of funny sometimes. I let him know if he takes it too far.