Well there's a lot of apologizing and wanna-meeting going on with this Kristen Stewart/Rupert Sanders affair! First Kristen apologizes to Robert. Then she supposedly writes an apology to Liberty. We hear Robert wanted to have a gentlemanly word with Rupert. And now he reportedly wants to get the truth from Liberty. Has Liberty truly forgiven Rupert? Or was that just wishful thinking?
Everyone, everyone! I think I know what you all need. Right now Robert is rumored to be hiding out at his Water for Elephants co-star Reese Witherspoon's ranch in Ojai, California. I think all four of you need to gather at Camp Ojai for an intensive group counseling session with Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil, Robert, Kristen, Liberty, and Rupert all sit on cushions in a circle next to a duck pond on the ranch.
Dr. Phil: Thanks, all four of you, for coming in today. I think if we're all honest and open with each other, we'll get to a place where you can all move forward productively with your lives. Now Robert, would you like to start?
Robert: How much do you know, Liberty? How long has this been going on?!?
Liberty: (Draws on cigarette, blows smoke in his face.) How should I know, darling? I haven't seen my husband in months.
Liberty: Shut up, ostrich head.
Dr. Phil: Kristen, I know you have something you want to say.
Kristen: I'm sorry. Robert, I'm so sorry for this momentary indiscretion--
Liberty: Okay, fine. It went on for months. I found his cellphone and counted. Exactly 1,458,923 text messages from Ruru to KStew over the course of three months. There. Happy?
Kristen: (Pulls a spliff out of her back pocket and lights it up. Hums to herself nervously.)
Dr. Phil: Hey! Hey now! That's not going to solve anyone's problems here. Drugs are NOT the answer.
Liberty: Hey little Miss Harlot, pass that over. It's the least you can do. (Kristen passes, Liberty inhales, exhales slowly.) Oh my, Hollywood. I do love it here for this very reason. (With her other hand she puts out her cigarette on Rupert's shoulder.)
Rupert: OUCH! You said you'd stop!
Liberty: You said you'd stop shagging every wench who passes under your nose, and how's that working out for us?
Dr. Phil: Now hold on!
Robert: My turn. (Liberty passes.)
Rupert: Well look here, I get some, too, then!
Everyone: Nope, not you. Sorry. No.
There is silence as three of the participants in the counseling session take in the lavender, the ducks, the sun, the smoke. Dr. Phil mops his brow and looks at his watch.
Liberty: Well I think we've had a very productive session here. Robert, what do you say you and I finish this conversation somewhere more, ah, private.
Robert: I was just going to suggest that! (They wander off, arm in arm.)
Kristen is now sprawled out the grass, snoring. Rupert weeps softly into his hands. Dr. Phil takes off all his clothes and walks into the duck pond.
What do you think a counselling session with Kristen, Robert, Rupert, and Liberty would be like?
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