The other day a friend who shall remain nameless said the following: "I wish I could get divorced so I could get some time to myself." It isn't the first time I have heard something like that, but it's the first time I stopped and wondered: is it possible that some things really ARE easier after a divorce?
A few days later, an article from Huffington Post also caught my attention. The premise is basically that parenting after a divorce is easier because there is built-in down time and each parent has to pull their weight in a shared custody situation.
It's not just parenting, either. I have heard people envious of divorced people for other reasons, too.
People say they miss the excitement of dating or the freedom of not being tied to one person. They miss the ability to do something without asking permission or want to have their kids all to themselves.
Whatever the reason, the truth is there are many coupled women (and men) who envy divorced people. The grass is always greener, it seems.
Marriage is hard and there are many times it seems like just divorcing and being alone would be the easier option. But many who have been through divorce say otherwise.
Ending a marriage may be the right thing to do. It may even be the necessary thing to do. But for most people, it's hardly ever the "easy" thing to do. Divorce is almost always painful and hard. What might look "easy" and even "preferable" from the outside is almost never the whole story.
The writer at The Huffington Post is herself divorced and the fact is, if you are divorced, you likely think it's an easier state to be in because, duh, your marriage was bad. But a good marriage is always the goal. When it's good it's very good.
A good marriage means someone to put your head on every night and cry if you need to, someone to hold your hand when you are having a bad day, someone who brings you delicious cake on your birthday and takes you out to dinner. A good marriage is love and friendship and caring all rolled into one delicious person.
Sure, I -- like most parents of young children -- want more down time, but in a good marriage, that can always be arranged. The key here: in a good marriage. Ending a bad marriage is almost always better than staying in one. But saying you want to end a good marriage because getting alone time is hard is just nuts.
Don't throw the marriage under the bus because things are hard! The grass may look greener, but it's not.
Do you think divorce would ever be "easier"?
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Comments 25
I divorced my ex after 8 years of marriage.... 8 years of bullying, emotional and verbal abuse, mind games, and isolation. I stuck it out that long because I didn't want to be a failure. Many of my closest friends and relatives had no idea just how bad things were in my home. Thank God we never had kids (we never tried to). Even for as bad as things were, actually making that decision and then following through with it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I didn't want to give up and couldn't leave until I had a clear conscience that I did everything *I* could do to make it work.
Being out of a *bad marriage* is a relief, but I counter that being alone is never easy. Right before I met my now husband, I had an emotional breakdown - as an only child, newly divorced, no kids, and not close to my extended family, if anything happened to me, who would know? When mom and dad and grandma and grandpa are gone, I would be literally alone in this world.
The thought of that was just as bad as being in a bad marriage.
It pisses me off when people who do have a pretty decent marriage want to bitch. I just want to tell them to STFU!!! ... until you've had a BAD MARRIAGE, you've got no right whine and run off for a divorce (or have an affair, etc).
Easier than a marriage you no longer want to be in? Yes.
Leaving a marriage for any reason may just be the merciful thing to do. If you're not happy, even for self centered, superficial reasons, then why stay, and make the entire family miserable?
Not everyon views marriage in a "sacred" light. Some people view it as a relationship with a mutualy beneficial contract added to the list. A contract that can be lifted at any time, if no longer desirable to either party, for any reason.
well, the4mutts, I'd then say that this a contributing problem in today's society.
The majority of people don't value their vows and expect things to be easy....then run away when it isn't.
Surely says alot about the content of their character. I don't have any respect for a person who views marriage so lightly.
For once, I agree with the author. Anyone who thinks being a single parent is easy needs a smack upside the head. If it was bad enough to divorce, do you really think the other person you divorced is going to share the load and make your life as a divorced parent easy? I would love to know what kool aid some people are drinking...
And no, I don't think people should divorce just because they want to or things get rough. I agree with manders, too many people bail when things get a little rough or never even consider the real meaning of marriage and use divorce to fall back on if, "oh well, playing house wasn't as fun as I thought it would be."
Even in a "good" marriage I don't think things are always rosy, I think it was the movie the bucket list that said that marriages have their good years and their bad years, and while I wouldn't go quite as far as to say that, I think that they they do need continuous work (maybe attention is a better word?) to stay good.
I think too often people do view the grass as always greener on the other side, and that they think, if only if... and possibly, throw out the baby with the bath water. My fiance' and I have been together 5 years now, and I suppose we will get married someday, just wow, so many things keep happening to prevent that, always financial, we want a really nice wedding, and just feel it is worth the wait, we talk a lot though about our relationship, how we feel about things, family, friends, divorce, the world around us, and we both feel that so many people give up on love and relationships so easily, and that compromise seems to be a lost art these days.
Don't get me wrong, our lives are not perfect, we just really feel that there is us, and there is the rest of the world, and that together, with love, communication, trust, and respect, we can face anything the world throws at us.
I am married and for the most part, my husband and I have a pretty good marriage. But it doesn't come easy. It is incredibly difficult. There are times where we are having problems and I think that getting divorced would be easier. But then I remember how many rewards there are for the effort that my husband and I both put into our marriage. Sometimes I think that's why there are so many divorces: because people don't want to put forth the effort it takes to make a marriage work. Don't get me wrong: I understand there are some circumstances where the couple HAS dove everything they can do and divorce is the only answer. But when I see couples break up after only a year or two, I can't help but think that they just didn't want to do the work.
But you do have to see that not everyone believes in god, therefore won't have an inate sense of marriage being holy. And not everyone believes marriage is a forever thing.
IMO that doesn't make them bad people, just different.
I don't believe in marriage personally. I've been married and realize its not for me. Everyone has their own opinions.
I get your point, mutt, and I am right there with you on the marriage thing! Been there done, done that and really don't ever see myself doing it again. But in the case of marriages with kids, I do feel that those couples should work harder to stay together, if there aren't issues any more serious than, "Oh this is harder than I thought it would be."
I don't understand why people who don't care about marriage or believe it isn't something to be taken seriously even bother with the expense and the hassle...