Mothers, hug your daughters close for this one 'cause it's about to get really real up in here. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? If you haven't, I'm going to sum it up for you so we can move on: lucky (and I mean LUCKY) Ana Steele falls into the hands of dirty-dom Christian Grey and has the most amazing sex of her life every hour. Every day. Every week.
Oh and did I mention, Ana is a virgin at the start of the book -- so not only does she hit the hunky mega-millions, she also strikes orgasm gold. How's that for good fortune? OK, so now that we've got the gist of things, I'd like to tell you all a liiiiittle something else.
Ana's first time is a TOTAL LIE.
!&!$&$#%$#%%^%$^%^&"?!?!?!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, A LIE?!
Well, let me explain.
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When I had sex for the first time there were no sparks, no fireworks, no Holy sh*@! This is the best thing ever! And there was no orgasm for me, either. It was more like, "Oh my god. Get up. Go home. This is so awkward. Tell NO ONE. Ever." Not for little Miss Steele though. The first 24 hours that she and Christian spent together, Ana orgasmed six times. Daaaaamnnnn, girl!
I nearly cried when I got through that chapter -- for my virgin self and for the thousands of girls who read this book and think, "Yes! This is what awaits me behind the Pearly Promiscuous Gates." If I could go back and redo the first full day of my sexual career, I'd make sure it included six big O's and a suite in a CEO's chambers. Alas, I can't. And it's not fair!
What I really want from Fifty Shades author E.L. James is the validation that sex like this doesn't exist. It's not real. And it's definitely not a reality for first-timers -- or any-timers for that matter. Sex isn't always served mind-blowingly hot with a side of a satisfying, all encompassing orgasm. In fact, it rarely is. According to Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed though, sexy times always happens like that.
But oh, how I wish it did. Until sex does turn out like it says in the books, I'll just wait for 50 Shades of Unsatisfied Virgins Who Thought Their First Time Was Going to Be So Crazy But It Turns Out It Wasn't & Never Will Be to hit shelves. I'm predicting another best seller!
Do you think E.L. James' portrayal of Ana's first time was too over the top?
Image via scarycurlgirl_photos/ Flickr
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Comments 116
The author doesn't need to validate anything, it says on the back of the book erotic novel!! If I wanted a book on facts I would have chosen differently as should you.
It's porn, it's not supposed to be realistic. Unfortunately, since teenagers are getting their hands on it, they are going to have unrealistic expectations.
I agree with a lot of the posts on here about the fact that this is just a book. If you do not like the erotic stuff, then just don't read the damn thing, but don't condemn those of us who read the book. So many sit and talk crap about it when they haven't even read it?? How messed up is that?! If you want to talk about how it's completely fake and it's so poorly written and absolutele absurd, maybe you should read it first, THEN you can complain about it. And let us each decide for ourselves, as parents, whether we would like our daughters to read this or not. If you wouldn't let your daughter read it FINE, keep it to yourself. I damn sure don't need you people telling me what I should or shouldn't do with my daughter. As for the sex in the book being out of this world...well why can't we have out of this world, mind blowing sex??? If you wanted a great sex life, or an amazing one, you could have it. The sex that Ana has in the book can happen to real women, and it does happen if you want it to, I know first hand. Just because you yourself don't have multiple orgasms with your partner or just because your sex life SUCKS...doesn't mean that everyone else's is that way too. Mine is completely out of this world, alot like Ana in the book, and it has been since I found my husband, and from some of the posts I have read, there's plenty of us women out there that are rockin it with NO complaints at all!
It's not just adults reading these books, it's kids too. They are getting a warped sense of love and sex from a series of popular books (and movies, thanks to Twilight). Ok, so it's up to the parents to talk to them about it, but I do see where the writer is coming from.