Mothers, hug your daughters close for this one 'cause it's about to get really real up in here. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? If you haven't, I'm going to sum it up for you so we can move on: lucky (and I mean LUCKY) Ana Steele falls into the hands of dirty-dom Christian Grey and has the most amazing sex of her life every hour. Every day. Every week.
Oh and did I mention, Ana is a virgin at the start of the book -- so not only does she hit the hunky mega-millions, she also strikes orgasm gold. How's that for good fortune? OK, so now that we've got the gist of things, I'd like to tell you all a liiiiittle something else.
Ana's first time is a TOTAL LIE.
!&!$&$#%$#%%^%$^%^&"?!?!?!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, A LIE?!
Well, let me explain.
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When I had sex for the first time there were no sparks, no fireworks, no Holy sh*@! This is the best thing ever! And there was no orgasm for me, either. It was more like, "Oh my god. Get up. Go home. This is so awkward. Tell NO ONE. Ever." Not for little Miss Steele though. The first 24 hours that she and Christian spent together, Ana orgasmed six times. Daaaaamnnnn, girl!
I nearly cried when I got through that chapter -- for my virgin self and for the thousands of girls who read this book and think, "Yes! This is what awaits me behind the Pearly Promiscuous Gates." If I could go back and redo the first full day of my sexual career, I'd make sure it included six big O's and a suite in a CEO's chambers. Alas, I can't. And it's not fair!
What I really want from Fifty Shades author E.L. James is the validation that sex like this doesn't exist. It's not real. And it's definitely not a reality for first-timers -- or any-timers for that matter. Sex isn't always served mind-blowingly hot with a side of a satisfying, all encompassing orgasm. In fact, it rarely is. According to Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed though, sexy times always happens like that.
But oh, how I wish it did. Until sex does turn out like it says in the books, I'll just wait for 50 Shades of Unsatisfied Virgins Who Thought Their First Time Was Going to Be So Crazy But It Turns Out It Wasn't & Never Will Be to hit shelves. I'm predicting another best seller!
Do you think E.L. James' portrayal of Ana's first time was too over the top?
Image via scarycurlgirl_photos/ Flickr
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Comments 116
Of course it was over the top! But thats why we love it right?! Who wants to sit down and read a book about someones boring non-sastisfying sex life? It's escape from real life even for just a few minutes or few weeks. I love all 3 of the books and i'm not ashamed to admit it. In fact it's spiced up my own sex life because honestly i feel my own husband is as hot as Christan Grey and after reading who dosen't want to jump in bed with their man??! I can't wait for 50 Shades # 4 to come out.
Repeat after me, "It's a book, it's not real!" Having said that I won't let me 17 year old daughter read it because I don't want her to think that sex is normally like that, but it is fiction and shouldn't be analyzed to death the way it has been. I'm sure E L James is laughing at her critics all the way to the bank!
I agree with tbrucemom. What she said -- "it's a book, it's not real" ... Say it with us, folks. It's. a. book. A FICTION book. You would no more let a child or teenager read that book then you'd let them watch porn. Yes, it's a book and readily available to anyone. So is porn on the internet. The vampire series was wildly successful and it was no more real than this book. Yes, I've had mindblowing sex before but having it over and over and over like Christian and Ana. while completely unrealistic, s a fun fantasy! Geez people need to get over themselves. And I like Nonmember comment.... above tbrucemom's..... Love the sarcasm. hehe It's fiction, it's fun and we love it. If it's not your cuppa, oh well. Don't read it!
I know that a lot of peoples first time was not great. But mine was amazing and I wasn't married, in fact I was only 15, but I was in love with the guy and we took our time leading up to the actual act. I was completely comfortable and he never pushed me to go further than I wanted to. People who don't enjoy their first time should not spread lies that the first time is never good, because it's just not true. If you trust yourself and your partner then it can be great, if you are feeling pressured or like you're not ready but do it anyway then of course it's not going to be very good.