'50 Shades of Grey' Lies About a Girl’s First Time

by Kylie McConville July 15, 2012 at 10:00 AM

50 shades of grey bedroom Mothers, hug your daughters close for this one 'cause it's about to get really real up in here. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? If you haven't, I'm going to sum it up for you so we can move on: lucky (and I mean LUCKY) Ana Steele falls into the hands of dirty-dom Christian Grey and has the most amazing sex of her life every hour. Every day. Every week.

Oh and did I mention, Ana is a virgin at the start of the book -- so not only does she hit the hunky mega-millions, she also strikes orgasm gold. How's that for good fortune? OK, so now that we've got the gist of things, I'd like to tell you all a liiiiittle something else.

Ana's first time is a TOTAL LIE.

!&!$&$#%$#%%^%$^%^&"?!?!?!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, A LIE?!

Well, let me explain.

More from The Stir: 10 Filthy '50 Shades of Grey' Sex Lies We're Not Buying

When I had sex for the first time there were no sparks, no fireworks, no Holy sh*@! This is the best thing ever! And there was no orgasm for me, either. It was more like, "Oh my god. Get up. Go home. This is so awkward. Tell NO ONE. Ever." Not for little Miss Steele though. The first 24 hours that she and Christian spent together, Ana orgasmed six times. Daaaaamnnnn, girl!

I nearly cried when I got through that chapter -- for my virgin self and for the thousands of girls who read this book and think, "Yes! This is what awaits me behind the Pearly Promiscuous Gates." If I could go back and redo the first full day of my sexual career, I'd make sure it included six big O's and a suite in a CEO's chambers. Alas, I can't. And it's not fair!

What I really want from Fifty Shades author E.L. James is the validation that sex like this doesn't exist. It's not real. And it's definitely not a reality for first-timers -- or any-timers for that matter. Sex isn't always served mind-blowingly hot with a side of a satisfying, all encompassing orgasm. In fact, it rarely is. According to Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed though, sexy times always happens like that.

But oh, how I wish it did. Until sex does turn out like it says in the books, I'll just wait for 50 Shades of Unsatisfied Virgins Who Thought Their First Time Was Going to Be So Crazy But It Turns Out It Wasn't & Never Will Be to hit shelves. I'm predicting another best seller!

Do you think E.L. James' portrayal of Ana's first time was too over the top?

Image via scarycurlgirl_photos/ Flickr

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kylie McConville

has seen every episode of Law and Order: SVU. Such talent cannot be found elsewhere.

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Comments 116

RoughGem

July 15, 2012 at 6:45 PM

My first time... Well, I wasn't ashamed of it, and it wasn't too painful, and I wanted it, loved the guy and am now married to him.

But was it physically gratifying? Hell no! That part took a LONG TIME and a LOT of practice!

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Nonmember comment from A

July 15, 2012 at 6:53 PM

WOW. This is not a nonfiction book, it is not meant to be a form of sex ed. OF COURSE it was over the top. If it wasn't the book wouldn't be as popular.50 shades is NOT a biography of Chistian Gray OR Anna Steele, It is not an instruction manual for BDSM, it is not a sex ed pamphlet, or an accurate description of ANYTHING at all.

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Nonmember comment from Rico

July 15, 2012 at 6:53 PM

The first time is better for women who take the time to learn how to do it right, and also make sure the man knows too. I have "deflowered" two virgins, and they both enjoyed it. My first V was with my 16 y/o gf; I also got my V card punched. She had four orgasm series, each of which was several orgasms in a sequential, continuous flow. But she was a "super-freak" and had been masturbating since grade school. Good for her! (And me.) A several years later, I was the first for a woman who was younger and less experienced. A couple of days before she asked me to be #1, I gave her her first orgasm. I knew how to make it as easy as possible (she wasn't a heavy lubricator and needed a KY assist) and she enjoyed the experience. I also made sure to tell her that it was an honor to be chosen as her first. It was an honor, and telling her that kept her from feeling dirty or used. I'm sorry to hear about the women here who didn't have good experiences the first time. I think it is important for women to know the important things, and to make sure her man knows as well. Adequate lubrication prevents pain and bleeding in the vast, overwhelming majority of cases. Foreplay that gives her an orgasm usually takes care of that, and KY does it if her body isn't good at it. In addition to preparing the vagina for a penis, an orgasm is relaxing and it just plain feels good!

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Facebook comment from Todd Vrancic

July 15, 2012 at 7:12 PM

Fiction books depend upon something called "the suspension of disbelief" people. Or do you really think that Luke Skywalker rescued his long-lost sister from his long-lost father, went to study under his mentor's teacher and skipped out on that to again rescue his sister from his father only to have to be rescued from his father, etc., etc.

Put that way, the plots of Star Wars: A New Hope and Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back sound a little far-fetched, don't they? :)

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lga1965

July 15, 2012 at 7:27 PM

Yeah, my first time was really quite sweet because it was with my fiance whom I married 4 months later and I was very pleased, not ashamed.

But, that said, I thought the bok was ridiculous. The writing was really bad---infantile and shallow and there was no reality, at all. I couldn't stand the guy and I thought the girl ( the former virgin) was stupid.I am at a loss as to why it is so popular? And now they are planning a movie---which I probably won't see. Too dumb.

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Facebook comment from Tracey Cheesman

July 15, 2012 at 7:34 PM

Have you read ANY romance books, EVER? If you have, you'll know this is classic romance novel stuff, and EL James isn't the first person to ever make virgins into orgasm queens straight out of the gate. All first times in Romance Novel Land are just AMAZING.

I am pretty sure that of all the stupid things i hear about this book, ths isn't the one that blows my mind.

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marla.lacer

July 15, 2012 at 8:26 PM

The first time wasn't great but once you start knowing your body and the things you like it grows substantially more enjoyable...and if he isn't giving you more than one...or six...a night...trade him in lol

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marla.lacer

July 15, 2012 at 8:26 PM

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Nonmember comment from Reiland

July 15, 2012 at 8:38 PM

My problem with it is that I thought Christian behaved rather badly in the way he went about it. Rather crass to just slam into her. Guess I'm one of those over the top, unrealistic gals whose first time was fantastic. No pain...had an orgasm almost immediately upon penetration...and yes, I went on to have more shortly after that one. No soreness. I could hardly keep my hands off him for days afterward.

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johnnys_mom6605

July 15, 2012 at 8:43 PM

I always orgasm ;) but I understand what ur getting at. My first time sucked (and the next 4 years of sex) but because my ex SUCKED at sex. My df, however, is a sex god! I usually orgasm 6 times. That's our norm. But I also think I'm more sensitive than normal too.

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